Return to Sender: Space monkeys and transitive verbs

Long term readers will know that I surprisingly regularly receive emails that aren’t meant for me. I’m not talking Nigerian Scams either. I know plenty about them. Previously this has brought us such stories as the Washington University Essay Project and the Make Me A Mexican challenge.

It happened again today.

Good afternoon Mr Campbell

Thank you for your telephone call concerning your intereset in obtaining a pre-owned Ford Transit 17 seat minibus.

I have attached our latest list of pre-owned minibuses for your information.

If you require any further help or assistance then please feel free to contact me.

Kind regards

Steve Newby

This email came with an attached catalogue. Now, unless I was talking on the phone to a UK car dealer in my sleep, this wasn’t me.

Here’s my response.

Hi Steve,

Great to hear from you!

Though I don’t recall our telephone call. I’m very interested in obtaining a fleet of Ford Transits. But I’m actually after the 24 seat version because they will convert more easily into the spaceship I would like to build. I think if I weld together 18 Ford Transits with 24 seats each I’ll be able to take 431 monkeys into space with me (I’d be the driver, so that would be the 432 total passengers).

I may need to get a couple of extra transits to carry supplies. I imagine I need lots of bananas to feed that many monkeys, if they turned to cannibalism they’d doubtless get mad monkey disease and the consequences, in space, would be catastrophic. Or perhaps monkeystrophic. I don’t like cats.

So if you could draw me up a quote on 22 x 24 Ford Transits that would be much appreciated. They’d have to be the rocket fuel versions, I plan to pipe together the fuel tanks in sequence to power my trip to space. I don’t mind what year they are – so long as they are all the same.

I’m wondering if actions performed in space in a Ford Transit would be an intransitive verb? or a transitive verb? Do you know anything about the niceties of grammar?

Perhaps if you have the phone number for the guy who gave you this email address you could call him, and tell him to stop giving out the wrong address. Even if this email does get me a step closer to going into space (serendipitous, what?) it’s a little annoying having to take time out of my busy, world conquering, schedule to answer random emails from random people on the other side of the world.

I’m from Australia. Do you know what side of the road people drive on in space? I’d prefer right hand drive transits if you have them.

I really like the clip art “sold” sign graphics. Could you send me the clip art file you used? I’d love to use it on seat allocations so that when the monkeys book their historic spots on my maiden voyage there is no confusion.

If you can find me the vans I’m after, I would like to offer you a spot on my maiden voyage in lieu of payment.

Regards,

Nathan Campbell
(not whoever you thought this was)

Here’s my spaceship design. With two of the pilots.

I’ll send it to him if he replies.

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.