The football (soccer for you children of the US Empire) season has started again. And today, pre-game, I had the opportunity to pitch a few, well, two, new tactics to my team mates. They were reluctant to try them, but should you attempt these, and film them – I guarantee viral success.
The Flying O
- The goalkeeper catches the ball.
- The ten field players from your team gather in a tight circle (O shape) in their own goal box.
- The goalkeeper drops the ball into the O shape.
- Each player in the O touches the ball in quick succession to prevent obstruction rulings while the O flies, or perambulates, down field, and over the goal line.
This is, of course, an alphabetical adaptation of this famous Mighty Ducks move…
So is basically foolproof.
The Stationary I
On an attacking corner six players from the attacking team forms a wall (an I) on the near post. Players from the defending team may try to join this wall or stand in front of it. If this happens, distract the referee and administer a wedgie. The corner kick should be aimed at the feet of the wall. As the ball is kicked the wall must all step back together and tap the ball into the net. GOAL.
No. Seriously. That’s all I’ve got. But I figure it’s time for me to write something.