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Chuck’ed up

by: Robyn

You might have read Nathan’s liveblogging of Invasion USA – the Chuck Norris classic. Here’s my take.

This masterpiece opens with a boat of Cuban asylum seekers/drug runners. They’re killed by some nasty boat police. The nasty policemen are wearing aviator sunglasses. It’s funny how aviators went from being an accessory for evil people to something cool people wear. My dad has a pair of aviator sunglasses. I think he found them. Or maybe they found him.

Enter Chuck. I wonder if that’s his intentional name or if it was an accident by his parents at birth. He’s riding a hovercraft. I kind of think that hovercrafts are cool, but a little impractical and don’t have total driving precision.

The movie was interrupted by sleep.

Now there’s a lady with an 80s perm hanging out of a car window. She’s wearing a pink vest and high-rise pink jeans. With fashion like that I think she deserves to die. A second lady obviously thinks her sense of fashion can be redeemed and rescues her. Chuck is driving the car. So far he’s driven a hovercraft and a car. My hero.

The movie was interrupted by sleep again.

Chuck is now driving a car and wearing black gloves.

The movie was interrupted by sleep.

I awoke to the sound of children calmly singing “Row, row, row your boat” on a bus. They’re all sitting nicely and seem well behaved. Only in the movies would something like this happen. Chuck is driving a car again. The car gets blown up.

Chuck managed to get out of the car somehow and is now walking through a show ground. Not sure if he really deserves to travel in a car anymore after what happened to the last one.

The movie was interrupted by a very important game of LineUp. I scored 4682.

Back to Chuckie. He’s now walking through an office carrying a very big gun. I think he’s looking for somebody. He’s about to walk through a door but there’s two baddies on the other side. He shot them both. He’s my hero.

He checks his gun and then throws it away. Too bad because now another guy with a big gun is chasing him. There’s more shooting. I’m quite sick of the shooting noise now. I’ve decided that the movie only contains four different types of gun noises. The big machine gun type, single shot ones, the two bangs from a big gun and general all out shooting by everyone. Aside from that there’s explosions but explosions all sound the same.

Back to the action.  Chuckie and his friend are playing chasies in the office. There’s more shooting outside. That’s where all the action seems to be.  Chuckie’s friend has found a rocket launcher. There are army tanks outside in the street. I think they’re declared the winners because they’re the biggest. Now the contest is between Chuckie and his friend. Chuckie sneaks up behind his friend and shoots him. His blood and guts fly out the window. Slight overkill if you ask me.

And that’s the end of the movie… all in all I think Chuck is a lot like the driver from “Driving Miss Daisy” who carries a big gun. Total hero.

Invasion USA: Part 4

The children sing “row, row, row, your boat…” the bus approaches a road work induced traffic jam. Someone in another car is arming a bomb. They mow down the lollipop man. And all the witches hats. They plant the bomb on the bus. It beeps. The timer says 182. Chuck is in the traffic jam. He takes the same route as the bad guys. Missing the lollipop men. The timer says 90. The timer says 75. The timer says 29. Chuck grabs it. No. He misses it. He grabs it. It’s beeping in his cab. He drives up beside the bad guy’s car. He says “did you lose this?” The car explodes.

Chuck is walking through an abandoned sideshow alley. We see a destroyed merry-go-round. He looks sad. The upturned carriages (it’s not a horse one) are a stark reminder of the trouble gripping the nation. The not very sneaky government offical comes up to Chuck for a dialogue. They argue. Chuck gives him a mission. He wants to refuse.

We’re now at a military base. The news anchor mentions martial law. Both Chuck and Blondie are in their hotel rooms watching space ships crash into buildings in some d-grade movie. Chuck wears jeans, army boots and a denim vest to bed. Special agents are running towards one of the rooms with the spaceships on television. We’re not sure which one. The spaceship crashes into the White House. It’s Chuck’s room. The police arrive. They tell Chuck that nobody is beyond the law.

Critics are on television denying that the coverage of terrorism is having an impact. Blondie watches the news – Chuck’s arrest for “vigilante behaviour” is in the bulletin.

There are lots of army men. It’s day time. Chuck is paraded – buttons open – through a mob of journalists. At least one calls out “would you like to make a statement” – I would have thought wearing an unbuttoned denim shirt to court was statement enough.

The pesky journalist is reading a pamphlet – dropped by helicopters – about a new curfew. She runs up to a cordon of soldiers – who block her path until she shows her press credentials. She’s in the court room. Chuck says “see you round” after they engage in some flirting. Churck addresses the media. He speaks directly to Blondie. “I’d like you to close your eyes, when they open, I’ll be there. And it will be time to die”. Blondie calls in all his troops for a final showdown with Chuck.

Incompetent security personnel are taken by surprise by a marauding army of Russians – who jump back into their fleet of armoured cars and trucks. The bad guys drive towards Chuck. They take pot shots at army men as they go. Blondie takes a helicopter. He arrives at his destination just before his infantry. They fire their weapons in random directions. Now some tanks are on the move. We can’t tell if they’re good guys or bad guys. Chuck appears next to Blondie’s (now vacant) helicopter. The pilot tries to take off but Chuck shoots the chopper with a rocket launcher.

The horde of bad guys enter an office building – they shoot lots of empty desks. They move up to the management level. There are nice paintings on the walls. The people driving the tanks were good guys. They set up outside. The bad guys shoot up the executive offices – incliuding a fish tank. They are looking for Chuck. There is no Chuck to be found. They realise it’s a trap and try to escape. They run outside and are confronted with lots of tanks and guns. Chuck is upstairs where Blondie tries to escape. One bad guy tries to shoot down an army helicopter and the assembled soldiers open fire. It’s hard to tell who’s winning.

Chuck is walking through the offices. He’s in middle management. He shoots one bad guy.

The tanks are crushing the armoured cars outside. Chuck kicks another bad guy in the head then shoots him – he was wearing a beret so he deserved it.

There is more fighting outside. Chuck shoots four more men in the office. Some hide in cubicles. Chuck goes to reload. He realises he’s out of ammo. He ditches his machine pistols (which are joined together by a leather holster) and picks up a much larger weapon from his fallen prey. He enters a very dark room. There’s a suit hanging on a coat rack. He keeps walking. There’s a closed door. He approaches. Quietly. He raises his gun and steps inside. It’s empty. He approaches another closed door. He has a knife in his belt. There are two men behind the door – their ears are pressed against the wood. Chuck steps back and uses the grenade launcher to blow two holes – one either side of the door. One of the bad guys stirs. Reaching towards his gun. Chuck drops his machine gun and the bad guy reaches for his pistol. Chuck throws the knife at him. And kills him. Now it’s just Chuck and Blondie. Chuck is unarmed. Chuck runs around the office calling Blondie’s name. The walls of the office look like those peg board things you put up in your tool shed to hang your tools from. Blondie enters a dark room. Chuck waits for a few moments. Then pounces. Like a panther. Blondie squares up like a boxer. Chuck kicks him in both knees and then the head. This isn’t one of those fights wear the bad guy gets to take a swing. Chuck kicks him in the head again – and then disappears. Blondie runs into the room with the two big holes. He picks up a rocket launcher. We see more gunfighting outside. The tide has turned in favour of the US army. The bad guys have brought their pistols to a tank fight.

Blondie is walking the hallways with his rocket launcher. Very slowly.

There’s a cease fire called outside. The evil army lay down their weapons. The army men cheer.

Blondie is still walking the corridor very slowly. Chuck appears behing him, out of focus at first, he has his own rocket launcher. He locks and loads it. He says “it’s time”… and we have a rocket launcer duel. Blondie grunts and swings his rocket launcher around to shoot Chuck – but he’s too slow. Blondie wears Chuck’s rocket and goes flying out the window.

Credits roll. The end. Stay tuned for Robyn’s review. Here’s the final scene.

And some sort of trailer.

Invasion USA: Part 3

Two very muscly men are polishing their car in a backstreet. One can’t touch his sides with his elbows. They are disturbed by a bunch of passers by. They look angry. The two car washing guys follow the bad guys into the high class establishment. The bad guy has a sore hand. Chuck pins his hand to a bedside table with a knife. Now he has two sore hands. The knife is serated. He pulls it out – now he has a saw hand.

Someone tries to intervene, Chuck says “if you come back in here I’m going to hit you with so many rights you beg for a left.” The tough car washers arrive. Chuck says “you’re beginning to irritate me. He pulls the pin from a grenade and puts it in the bad guy’s sore hand. He gives the man holding the grenade a warning to pass on to Blondie. As he escapes the man throws the grenade out the window – onto the car that was being polished below.

A child throws bubble gum onto a shopping centre display. He is chased by security. A bad guy carrying a beeping package disguised as Christmas presents walks into a department store. He leaves the bag and walks away – a helpful shopper picks up the bag. The bad man runs away as the helpful man tries to return it. The bad guy doesn’t want to die. Bad men carrying guns appear from nowhere. The bomb goes off. Chuck arrives, to much fanfare. Driving his truck through the shopping centre doors. There are six men with machine guns. His truck is bulletproof.

The writer of this show doesn’t like children. Every scene a child appears in is followed by an act of unrelenting and unmitigated chaos.

The bad guys knees aren’t Chuck proof. Chuck is carrying two machine pistols. The bomber is trying to hotwire a car that has been on display in the shopping centre. Grenades are hurled. Chuck plays chicken with the bad guy’s truck. He jumps on the back. The punch sound effects in this movie are just like the punch sound effects in a boxing game. Chuck hangs on to the truck until it drives through the shopping centre doors. The bad guys grab a hostage and carry her along – outside the truck. The pesky journalist appears on the scene and jumps into the convertible that Chuck steals. Chuck’s hair and beard blow in the breeze. He rams the truck – a Nissan – with his convertible. The truck passenger shoots. The journalist rescues the bad guy’s hostage. After a few attempts to grab on to her fail.

They drive past a baseball game shots are fired. The bad guys drop a grenade inside their car. Chuck runs them off the road. They explode, crashing into a row of parked cars as they do for maximum effect. The director isn’t a fan of subtlety.

Blondie really likes shooting people down the front of their trousers. Blondie is scared of Chuck. His loyal offsider (the guy who shot the couple on the beach) convinces him not to go after Chuck by himself.

The police inspect the damage at the shopping centre – they mention in passing that the pickup truck they had recovered from the shopping centre has been stolen from the depot. We cut to Chuck, driving said pick up truck. He wears black gloves. Chuck is waylaid by men wearing army clothes. They block the road at the exit and at the rear. Chuck shoots them all. Except one, well, he shoots him, but he leaves him allive. A fellow ranga. He gets information from the ranga. These rangas stick together.

It is night time. Choppers are flying around telling citizens to stay off the street. A family with a child are caught running around after curfew. They escape into a church.

Bad guys are hiding in trucks. The minister in the church starts his prayer with “protect our children”… the bad guys descend on the church. They rig the church with explosives. Blondie is told his team of crack assassins has been terminated by Chuck. The congregation sings an unrecognisable hymn. The bomb beeps, helpfully, so that we know it’s a bomb.

We hear the words to the hymn now – “In my hands, oh Christ I bring”… anybody recognise it?

The bad guys try to blow up the church. Chuck has their bomb. It’s no longer beeping. Chuck drops the bomb (in a suitcase) on them. He says “didn’t work huh? Now it will.” They blow up.

A butcher is out of meat. A rabble forms. The military arrive. They set up a perimeter around the rabble. They are about to mow down the innocents when Chuck appears. He takes them down. Mostly. The bald henchman grabs the pesky journalist – who happened to be at the butchers. The bad guy calls Chuck’s name. Chuck appears beside him and grabs his gun, he makes him shoot himself in the head, rescuing the journalist – who employs the “treat em mean, keep em keen” ploy and calls Chuck a creep.

A bus load of children are getting ready to flee to the country. Their parents wave goodbye. The children look sad. Clearly something bad is about to happen to the bus. This is the director’s theory regarding pathos.

Invasion USA: Part 2

Meanwhile, the bad guys are celebrating removing their one obstacle by heading to a beachside pub – it looks like the pub from that Keanu Reeves surfing movie I’ve never seen.

They plot the downfall of America. A young couple frolic at the beach – wearing tropically themed speedos. They have a little portable television. Some flares go off on the beach. The main bad guy’s loyal offsider approaches the couple as they canoodle on the beach. He looks sad. He walks up and shoots the couple And laughs at a joke about Liberace’s underwear on the television. Boats approach. The invasion has begun. Hundreds of henchmen wearing dark clothes and speaking in foreign languages run up the beach. Treading on the dead couple and their television. They are all carrying guns. Most of the guys are wearing muscle shirts. They pile into an armada of waiting trucks. The main bad guy – blondie – says that in 18 hours “America will be a different place”…

The not very sneaky government official (who earlier broke into Chuck’s house) spots Chuck at a hotdog stand. Chuck agrees to take the assignment on the proviso he works alone. The government official informs him that he is a deniable operator.

A pesky journalist and possible love interest hassles the police as they investigate the beach shooting. She calls Chuck “Cowboy”…

Two children squabble over who gets to put up the Christmas decorations. Blondie’s pickup pulls up. The little girl runs outside to put up the Christmas decoration. The Bad guys put on goggles. And then blow up the children’s house. And another house. And another house. And another house. And another house. And another house. The poor suburban street is obliterated. The houses in the street have clearly subscribed to K-Rudd’s pink bat scheme – they all burn far too easily. The street is appropriately called “First Avenue”…

The pesky journalist lady takes a photo of people dancing outside a Community Center. Two men talk about meeting women. We’re in Miami now. They approach the young ladies. A police car arrives on the scene. The Spanish Lothario approaches the police. They look more like the stripograms from Arrested Development. They pull out shotguns and start shooting the crowd. They stop shooting because one policeman says to the other “stop, he wants witnesses”… The real police arrive and a riot starts.

Chuck is driving the back streets. He passes a black Elvis impersonator and some angry street workers. Some bikies hit his car with chains. He keeps driving. Chuck Norris is not phased by bikies with chains.

He walks into a dingy bar filled with nefarious looking characters. A drunk guy stops Chuck, looking to make trouble. Chuck grabs his hand and breaks the bottle he is holding. Chuck sits at the bar. He speaks to his informant. He’s looking for Blondie. These two have history – in South America. The informant has seen some bad guys in another bar. He says “see you in Hell” to Chuck, Chuch says “send me a postcard”…

Invasion USA: Part One

This movie is so good I’m going to have to watch it in a couple of sittings. Here is my summary of the first half hour or so – with a particular focus on scenes involving Chuck Norris.

Opening scene – a boatload of Cuban refugees are paddling towards American soil. Their engines aren’t working. They spot a boat with a USA flag. The boat pulls up. It looks like the Coast Guard. Oh No. The captain of the boat says “welcome to America”, the refugees cheer. The guys on the US boat seem too well armed to be the Coast Guard. They open fire on the little refugee boat. Killing all on board. They climb aboard the refugee boat and remove a false floor. It’s full of drugs. Cut scene to Chuck.

Chuck Norris is driving a swamp boat. Looking stern (facial expression, not to the front of the boat). Wearing denim.

Chuck Norris Fact #1: Chuck Norris always looks stern when driving a boat.

Chuck Norris Fact #2: Chuck Norris doesn’t look cool in denim, denim looks cool on Chuck Norris.
Time passes. The bad guys do something to set up some sort of narrative tension. Cut to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is in a swamp wrestling a crocodile.
Chuck Norris Fact #3: Chuck Norris was wrestling reptiles when Steve Irwin was a toddler.

The bad guy just shot another bad guy down the front of his trousers.

Chuck Norris is offered a dinner date with an elderly native American. He wants him to eat frogs, from a jar. Chuck Norris says “I’m sick of frogs”…
Chuck Norris Fact #4: Chuck Norris doesn’t like French people either.

A guy in a suit tries to enter Chuck Norris’ house in the dark without knocking. He disturbs an armadillo. Chuck disturbs him. Chuck says “I’m not interested” in the guy’s ear before he’s had a chance to offer him work. Chuck walks out of his own house leaving the guy there.

Chuck Norris Fact #5: Chuck Norris does not need a “do not disturb” sign – Chuck Norris is never disturbed.

The bad guy just tried to assassinate a senior government official with a rocket launcher. Chuck Norris caught him, pointing a pistol at his head. Chuck Norris said “it’s time to die” and then didn’t kill him. But kicked him in the head. The bad guy woke up. It was only a dream.

Chuck Norris Fact #6: Chuck Norris hurts bad guys in their dreams.

Chuck Norris is using a chainsaw. Four swamp boats worth of bad guys approach. There are three guys per boat. Their approach is obscured by the sound of the chainsaw. The armadillo is scared. Armadillos look a bit like their name. Like if I wrote the word “armadillo” and asked you to draw what came to mind you’d draw what they look like.

The bad guys are disturbed by the approach of Chuck’s old Native American friend. He shoots one with a shotgun. The Bad guys blow up Chuck’s shack with about eight rockets and a few shots from a grenade launcher. The armadillo survives. Hurt. So does Chuck. The bad guys leave on their swamp boats. Chuck carries his native American friend (John Eagle) into the charred remains of his swamp shack (which is the kind of beach shack you live in if you’re really tough). Chuck lights a lamp – a kerosene type hurricane lamp thing – and throws it into the shack – giving his Native American friend a fitting farewell. He rides off on his swamp boat. Arriving in town with vengeance on his mind.

Chuck Norris Fact #7: It takes more than 12 explosive rounds to kill Chuck Norris. But only one explosive round with Chuck Norris for him to kill you.


Chuck Norris Fact #8: Chuck Norris is culturally sensitive and knows the burial rites of obscure Native American tribes and is not afraid to use them given the correct context in which to do so.

The town square has a billboard advertising frogs legs. Chuck gets into his beaten up pickup truck and drives away. The billboard is next to a building called “Eagle John’s Restaurant”…

To be continued…

I don’t think I’ve ever live blogged a movie before. Tim (as in Tim and Amy, as in the Adventures of Amy and Tim) watched this movie and offered it to the first person to claim it via his blog. That was me.

How can a movie with a poster that looks like this be anything but awesome.