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But here’s something to add to your survival kit. Or to add your survival kit to. A customised shotgun containing a survival kit. It’s almost a one-stop-shot. Aha. Ahaha. Lets see how people laugh when you’re saving them by blowing the heads of zombies, or teenagers in hoodies (accidents happen), with this bad boy.
This shotgun customisation comes with built in compartments for all your basic needs, and a mounted torch/compass/knife combo that will keep you mangling zombies in the dark.
And what survivalist shot gun wouldn’t be complete without a Bible verse.
Zombies get a bad wrap. They’re just misunderstood. It’s hard wandering around craving brains. Society gives vampires like Edward Cullen, and our politicians, a pass on blood sucking behaviour, and it should be no different when it comes to the undead.
They say meat (particularly beef) is less tough if the animal isn’t stressed when it’s killed – and what could be less stressed than a brain-dead undead? That’s right. Zombie Jerky. A new high in the post zompocalypse culinary landscape.
You might not be worried about the Zompocalypse – but not being worried is not an excuse for not being prepared. One of the services we offer here at st-eutychus.com is keeping you and yours abreast with the latest in zombie fighting science, methods and technology.
You can check out some of what we’ve had to say previously here, here, and here.
Today I have collated some hints, tips, resources and how-tos from around the interwebs to aid you in your preparations should the unlikely event of a zombie outbreak occur.
“…scout out all the big box retailers that carry ammo and food. Not too many eh? Tough luck, blue-stater. Someplace like WalMart is ideal, especially with the Garden Center for seed and stuff for longterm survival. A big bonus would be a nearby Home Depot or some such place so you can get plenty of lumber and quick-mix concrete for fortification.
While you’re preparing, always keep in mind locations where people congregate – you’re likely to find lots of zombies there when things turn ugly. Highways, malls, and schools are especially bad. You also might want to mention to your friends and family in passing how well your hiding place could be defended, etc. That way, when the zombies come, they’ll remember you said that and come help you. I don’t recommend telling them you’re preparing for a zombie invasion. “
“Choose Your Weapons Wisely: Not all weapons work for all people, and the trendiest zombie-fighting armaments aren’t always the best. When in doubt, melee weapons are a fine tool against the undead, but think twice before picking up that giant hammer. As satisfying as squishing zombie skull may be, swinging the hammer creates a sizable arc that gives zombies plenty of time to nibble at your armpits. GLAZS advises that you invest in a machete, which is cheap, lightweight, and neatly separates a zombie’s head from its bodies. As for ranged weapons, you may want to reconsider that sawed-off shotgun you’re so fond of. Bolt action rifles are both powerful and accurate, without the ammunition restrictions of the close-range shotgun.”
When I was living in North Queensland people used to madly rush to the shops whenever there was a cyclone warning. This caused untold stress on cashiers and often meant rudimentary items were suddenly highly prized – bringing the laws of supply and demand into play and causing price hikes on staple items. So when it comes to getting ready for the no doubt imminent zombie apocalypse it pays to be prepared. Here’s a handy list of items you should put together and keep somewhere safe – and accessible – you don’t want this in the garden shed when there are zombies banging on your door.
Cordless Electric Chainsaw
Well you might not NEED a chainsaw to survive a zombie attack, but you will if you plan to have any fun! We suggest a cordless electric chain saw since you’re going to have to minimize on weight and extra objects like gasoline and maximize on mobility. The Black & Decker CCS818 18-Volt Cordless Electric Chain Saw will cut through up to 10 or 15 zombies on a single charge! At only 6.2 lbs, you can hang on to it and only use it when things get really hairy. $110
ATAC Storm Boots
Well protected feet will help you run farther; making a decent pair of combat boots your best friend in a zombie survival situation. And we couldn’t think of a better paid than the ATAC Storm boots since they are not only waterproof but blood borne pathogen resistant—they were practically designed with a zombie attack in mind! $130
Life Gear Survival Backpack (Bug Out Bag)
The Life Gear Survival Backpack offers 3 days of supplies, which we imagine is plenty of time either since the rescue helicopter will arrive before then or everyone will be eaten alive by zombies. The backpack includes a first aid kit, drinking system food and water storage, a respirator mask in case the infection is airborne and other items. To save space, we think you can toss the hygiene kit since no one will notice what you smell like amidst all the rotting flesh.
To celebrate the Brisbane Zombie Walk (which happened today) I thought I’d post eleven great zombie things from around the interwebs. But before I begin – the ABC is releasing all its footage and photos of the Zombie Walk into the open source ether through a service called pool.org.au which looks pretty cool.
“ABC is building an online ‘town square’ for all Australians. Pool is a collaborative space where audiences become ‘co-creators’. It’s a place to share and talk about creative work – music, photos, videos, documentaries, interviews, animations and more.”
If zombies do take over the world then you’re going to have to learn how to get ahead in life. Your career in the new zombie world is going to depend on your man-eat-man approach to life. Which is where this book comes in…
Churches won’t really be safe in a zompocalypse. Gatherings of people will be too much like a buffet. Decapolis has you sorted with a nice approach to your devotional life…
“During a zombie attack, it’s really easy to be anxious. Zombies want your brain, and you probably would like to keep it for yourself. Yes, you have to think about physical stuff like, “Where’s the shotgun,” and “aim for the head,” but beneath all situations is a spiritual level.
You have to be able to point to something God has actually said if you are to have a real peace.
RO 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Ah! There’s a promise God made. I can point to that verse and go, “Hey, I believe that promise.”
Now think of the things that make you anxious and replace “in all things” with your situation…
And we know that during zombie attacks God works for the good of those who love him.”
Zombies are going to get you. One day. Possibly. So it pays to be prepared. Luckily hard earned government research dollars are funding important studies at universities to help us cope with our impending, zombie fueled, doom.
An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. While aggressive quarantine may eradicate the infection, this is unlikely to happen in practice. A cure would only result in some humans surviving the outbreak, although they will still coexist with zombies. Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the
available resources can be mustered in time.
Scary stuff. I’d suggest buying the “In Case of Zombies” shirt from Threadless for instructional purposes.
And then perhaps checking out this instructional video (starring Robyn’s little sister) for further tips for dealing with the zombie apocalypse.
Eutychus was a young man who fell to his death because the Apostle Paul preached for too long (Acts 20). He's now the patron saint of non-boring Internet.
Nathan is a Christian. A husband. A father. A student. A writer. A PR Consultant. A coffee drinker. A fan of staccato lists in profiles.
He is currently a student minister at Creek Road Presbyterian Church, Carina (South Brisbane) and the opinions expressed on this page are his own and not representative of Creek Road, or the denomination.
Some of his PR/web marketing clients include: