I received a response today for my let­ter to the Prime Min­is­ter regard­ing Pygmy Hedgehogs.

It seems that in order to get the silly leg­is­la­tion that bans their import over­turned I must present a com­pelling sci­en­tific case.

Han­k­in­son, Kerrie

Dear Nathan

Thank you for your email to the Prime Min­is­ter regard­ing impor­ta­tion of the Pygmy Hedge­hog as a pet into Aus­tralia. The species is cur­rently pro­hib­ited for import as it is not on the list of spec­i­mens taken as suit­able for import into Aus­tralia, or the live import list, under the Envi­ron­ment Pro­tec­tion and Bio­di­ver­sity Con­ser­va­tion Act (1999). Fol­low­ing are links to rel­e­vant infor­ma­tion about the live import list:

http://www.environment.gov.au/biodiversity/trade-use/lists/index.html

http://www.environment.gov.au/biodiversity/trade-use/lists/import/index.html

Any­one may apply to amend the live import list. Please refer to the fol­low­ing pages for information:

http://www.environment.gov.au/biodiversity/trade-use/lists/import/amend/index.html

How­ever it should be noted that this is a very rig­or­ous process, and requires a full envi­ron­men­tal assess­ment of a species, based on spe­cific Terms of Ref­er­ence at a min­i­mum. The report is to be writ­ten in a sci­en­tific style. An envi­ron­men­tal con­sul­tant may be employed to do this, though the appli­cant must pay for this, and the Depart­ment can­not rec­om­mend con­sul­tants. Fur­ther­more, lodg­ing an appli­ca­tion does not guar­an­tee that a species will be added to the live import list.

Please read the infor­ma­tion on the above web pages, par­tic­u­larly the guide­lines to what is required in the report. If you have any fur­ther ques­tions relat­ing to this mat­ter please con­tact me.

Kind Regards

Ker­rie

Now. I know at least one reader who is prob­a­bly qual­i­fied to write such a mis­sive. Yes, I’m look­ing at you Miss Ecologist/zoologist turned edi­tor… and Ben could put together some com­pelling pictures…

In the mean­time I sent this response to Peter Garrett.

Dear Peter,

Hi. You don’t know me, but I am one of the legions of fans who think you make a bet­ter politi­cian than rock star.

While Mid­night Oil are a national icon, they were just not my cup of tea (white with no sugar, my mum always said if you need to add sugar to your tea you’re not mature enough to drink it — do you take sugar in your tea? Do you even drink tea? You look more like an energy drink drinker)…

I write to you to com­mend to you a mem­ber of staff in your depart­ment. I have attached an email I received from Ker­rie Han­k­in­son below.

I wrote a let­ter (it was an email actu­ally) a week ago com­mend­ing the notion of import­ing pygmy hedge­hogs to Aus­tralia. My wife wants one for a pet.

Ker­rie has pro­vided very help­ful infor­ma­tion and advice and I look for­ward to sub­mit­ting my sub­mis­sion to your office for consideration.

My fam­ily has a long and suc­cess­ful track record of import­ing ani­mals into Aus­tralia. Ani­mals that have metaphor­i­cally changed the land­scape of Aus­tralian farm­ing. My great-great-grandfather, or pos­si­bly great-great-great-grandfather, was one of the men who brought Brah­man cows into the coun­try. This is my family’s legacy, our claim to fame, per­haps one day peo­ple will look back at your bold and coura­geous deci­sion to allow the impor­ta­tion of pygmy hedge­hogs as a sim­i­lar moment.

I have a dream that one day the Pygmy Hedge­hog will replace the domes­tic cat in house­holds around Aus­tralia. I hate cats. Cats kill birds and other native Aus­tralian ani­mals. The replace­ment of cats with hedge­hogs can only be a good thing for the environment.

I took a sur­vey of cat own­ers in my office, and amongst my friends (sam­ple size 16), and most said they would destroy their cats in order to own a hedgehog.

Hedge­hogs are a suit­able replace­ment because they have a smaller envi­ron­men­tal foot­print than cats. They have a smaller phys­i­cal foot­print too, and are much less likely to hunt our ani­mals as prey. They also eat cat food so there will only be a min­i­mal eco­nomic impact on cat food manufacturers.

I won­der if, on the basis of this research and my family’s his­tory as ani­mal importers, you might wave the need for my appli­ca­tion to be “sci­en­tific” in nature. I am pur­su­ing this avenue as a pri­vate cit­i­zen who wants to give his wife a present rather than as some­one with com­mer­cial imper­a­tives. I don’t like the idea of pay­ing a sci­en­tist to do this research.

My wife likes pets. We have two pet tur­tles. There names are Franklin and Roo­sevelt. We have prop­erly issued EPA per­mits for these pets, and I think a sim­i­larly seam­less per­mit process would eas­ily allow the keep­ing of these hedge­hogs as pets with­out any neg­a­tive impli­ca­tions for the environment.

I think there’s also an imper­a­tive from your “Arts” port­fo­lio to allow these hedge­hogs to be imported. Every artist needs a muse, and these hedge­hogs would be per­fect. I’ve read that Spike Jonze takes his inspi­ra­tion from a hedge­hog, but that was on a blog so it’s prob­a­bly not true. At the very least, Sonic the Hedge­hog is a hedge­hog, though he’s blue and not a pygmy…

It’s worth think­ing about.

To con­clude I write you this verse… I hope it’s not a breach of your copyright…

The time has come
a fact’s a fact
Echid­nas are cool,
hedge­hogs the new black

How can we dance when our birds keep squirm­ing
how do we sleep while our cats keep murd’ring

Cats keep killing the cock­a­toos
from Kin­tore East to Yuen­demu
While pygmy hedge­hogs live and breathes
they’re cute and don’t have fleas

I’m clearly not a song­writer, and the metre of this is out a beat or two — but you get my point. I think music can be a pow­er­ful tool to change people’s minds and the pol­icy of gov­ern­ments. Wouldn’t you agree?

Best Regards

Nathan Camp­bell

Author: Nathan Campbell

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He is currently a student at the Queensland Theological College. In a previous professional life he worked in public relations for an economic development and tourism marketing organisation. He is married to Robyn. He likes coffee and the internet.

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