Category: Culture

Heroific

Remember the Real Life Superheroes? No, probably not. I wrote about them back when I had about six readers. They get a write up in today’s SMH.

They have such lame names. But that’s pretty standard for Superheroes. I do wonder – with reference to the title – if a person’s title is called an honorific whether one’s superhero name is a heroific? After watching Wolverine yesterday – aka X-Men Origins, I read through the Wikipedia entries on the characters just out of curiosity (starting here) – I wanted to see how faithful the movie storyline was to the actual comics. Turns out the answer to that question is “not very” – but that’s ok, I enjoyed the movie and I’m not a comic book fanboy – or a Mark Driscoll fanboy – though I only use that phrase to ensure my ongoing google pensupremacy* for that phrase.

*I assume given that penultimate is the thing before the ultimate that pensupremacy is the entry before the top entry. Who knows. Correct me if I’m wrong. Actually, don’t. It was merely a bit of wordplay. I take it all back. Except that I leave it all there.

Don’t buy this book: WWJE

I had a fun chat with Robyn, Keagan, Phoebe and Tim today about whether or not it would be a bad thing if Koorong went out of business.

It prompted an idea. I’m going to run a semi-regular (however often I get around to it) feature of the worse books on offer from Koorong.

I thought I’d start with an old favourite (of mine – in principle rather than in actuality) – What Would Jesus Eat and the matching cookbook. They actually exist. Funnily enough the detox diet offered by the cookbook includes “fasting” – I would have thought that too obvious to print.

Here’s a look at the blurb – written by the publisher – because that’s all I’ve read.

The Ultimate Program for Eating Well, Feeling Great, and Living Longer

Though there are many diet programs claiming to be “God’s way” to healthy living, and while some of them are based on biblical principles, and even have proven effective for weight loss, WHAT WOULD JESUS EAT? is the first to note the obvious health benefits of what Jesus ate. In this comprehensive program, Dr. Don Colbert reveals the sensible approach to healthy eating laid out by the ultimate role model.

Wait, what? There are other diet programs based on biblical principles. Why have I not been told?

Seems there’s a lot of substance to this diet…

Readers will discover:
* Why foods forbidden in the Old Testament are unhealthy
* Jesus’ favourite foods, including “fast foods” and dessert
* The health benefits of foods Jesus ate, and the health risks of foods He avoided

Also included are Dr. Colbert’s tools to effectively follow the plan: recipes, nutritional information, and practical advice, including how to follow Jesus’ model of eating with foods readily available today.

Jesus favourite fast food? Obviously not figs. They’re never ready on time. Dessert? Wine vinegar perhaps? Frankincense cakes? Or just bread. And obviously the blanket full of animals dropped in front of Peter in his vision are available in the sequel – “What would Peter eat”… A cursory reading of the Gospels would suggest Jesus ate fish, bread, and figs – and that he drank wine. I’m not sure you can build a diet plan on that information.

What would Moses eat is no doubt a book full of Quail dishes, but no recipes featuring milk or honey.

Sticky idea

Arty fact

I was once convinced (and probably still am) that that which divides art from the everyday is the frame an artist puts around something. The declaration that it is, in fact, art. Without a declaration the thing is just a thing.

Turn your fruit into art with this revolutionary still life fruit bowl. I would buy one of these. If K-Rudd had given me my money.

Anonenmity

Anonymous comments aren’t much fun for anyone. Unless they’re loaded with unintentionally funny vitriol. I can almost imagine how much fun this comment on Simone’s blog would have been to write. It’s from an old post of hers critiquing a Christian rewrite of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah (which for those of you who are culturally arrogant is the same as Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah and the one on the Shrek Soundtrack). You can hear the Christian rewrite here. You can read the comment in its original context here. And you can indulge in a little bit of voyeurism by checking out Simone’s husband Andrew’s public but thoughtful disagreement with his wife on whether lacking cultural sophistication is sinful here.

Here’s the anonymous comment. Beautiful.

Ok, first of all, you do not know the first thing of what ‘christian’ means if you ever put it in quotes. so dont do it again.
second of all, if someone says “i just want,” you have no idea if that is true or not; just because you are selfish does not mean that everyone is.
lastly, there is no right or wrong in how you listen to music. i mean, that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard! why would there be music if poems would do? i am a recording artist and song composer, so i should know.

Green debate humming along

The Green Debate continues. This fail blog post seemed too serendipitous to ignore. Join in. If you dare. I’d be particularly interested if anybody has time to actually read all the Bible verses Amy’s friend the pastor has submitted for consideration.

Poll lol

Turns out the Time Magazine poll was “pwned” by the 4Chan.org people. That’s as funny as Colbert getting his name on a Nasa spaceship…

K-Ruddy rating

K-Rudd has scored 114th place in an online Time Magazine “World’s Most Influential Person” survey. The guy who won was “Moot” – the founder of 4chan.org (the creators of LolCats).

For the ladies…

Well, mostly just for Stuss… She might like to see an article in the SMH that made the same case as her letter to the government.

Women, and in particular mothers, are harshly treated by Australia’s system. They are damned if they return to work after childbirth, and damned if they don’t.

Those who do, face high tax rates because of income tax incurred and welfare benefits withdrawn. Working just a few hours a week and earning $11,000 a year can mean mothers lose 56.5 cents in every dollar in tax and benefits.

But the longer women do not work, the longer they miss out on employer contributions to superannuation. Women’s super balances are woefully inadequate. Those aged 60 to 65 have saved a tiny average of $45,000, compared with men of the same age who have $130,000 stashed away. While mothers face punitive tax penalties for working, rich men receive generous tax concessions on their super payouts.

It’s a good article looking at one issue facing stay at home mums.

All quiet on the blog front

I’m busy today. Doing my job. So not much time for posting – plus I have no real idea what to post.

I have been discussing things in a few comment threads that maybe you should check out.

Like this one on drugs, and this one on Mark Driscoll’s desire to take over the world.

Self Help Books for Dummies – Getting published

Getting a self-help book published is also fairly easy. Because of the size of the self-help market selling your book to publishers is like shooting fish in a barrel. The smaller the niche your book fits into is the smaller the barrel, or conversely the larger the fish. It’s important to pick the right publisher for your book. If you’re an aspiring novelist it may be worth holding on to your manuscript till one of the larger publishing companies shows interest. When this happens try to structure your deal to include a guarantee that the company will also publish your novel. Don’t be afraid to strike a hard bargain with the publisher, all they see when they’re dealing with you is the dollar signs. They can often be blinded by their greed.

A publishing company executive signing a multiple book deal with a self help book writer

Self Help Books for Dummies – The Cover

The old saying holds true, you can judge a book by its cover, especially a self-help book. When it comes to designing the cover for a self-help book it’s helpful to throw any artistic taste out the window. Bright colours and lots of lines at different angles are important when it comes to making your book stand out on the shelves of the bookshop. You don’t want your book to be buried in a sea of boring book covers, you want it to stand out like a pink neon sign in a black and white movie. Self-help book covers are one place where sticking out like a sore thumb or being a sunflower in a field of lavender is a good thing. It’s also important that your name feature prominently on the front cover.
The back cover of a self-help book is just as important. Readers of self-help books like to check who has been helped by either the book or its author in the past. It’s a good idea to have some positive quotes from well-known people or something quotable from a review your book received in the press. This doesn’t have to be the real press as it’s almost unverifiable. You could just send a letter to the editor of a really small newspaper that publishes everything and use your own quote, but only do this if you get really desperate.


An artist’s impression of the ideal book cover…

Self Help Books for Dummies – Writing the book

The key to success in the self-help market is to understand that you don’t actually need to provide any merit to your readers. They get enough benefit from simply adding your book to their self-help library to impress visitors. However, there are several tools that the successful self-help writer should have in their toolbox.

1. Statistics
2. Diagrams
3. Illustrations
4. Clichés
5. Repetition
6. Repetition
Statistics

The truth is 90% of self help books are never read, at least past the first chapter. Once your first chapter is finished you can pretty much write whatever you want to fill in the next nine chapters. This is both a valid lesson for the self-help writer to learn and an example of how statistics can be misused or just plain made up.

Diagrams

The old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words holds true in the self-help market. Because any given sample of 1000 words of a self-help book are unlikely to make any sense, you as the writer have a bit of freedom when it comes to diagrams. In fact the more complicated the diagram appears the more impressive it seems.

The idea cycle – another pointless diagram.

The most important part of a diagram is to have an appropriate caption so that people know what they are looking at. A really good caption will say a lot but mean very little to the reader.

Illustrations

One tool that the prospective self-help writer will have to develop if they want to increase their word limit in a hurry is to be able to use pointless, long-winded illustrations. Here’s an example of an illustration that will leave the reader looking for a point or moral:

“It’s like a boat, sailing on a really choppy sea, the sailors are getting sick, throwing up all over the place. In a situation like this the last person you want to be on the boat is the ships boy who has to clean up everyone’s mess, including their own.”

Often the reader’s interpretation of a story like that one will be much more beneficial to them than anything you could come up with yourself. While there are obviously many meanings that could be taken from this illustration its ambiguity is important if people are to gain any “real” meaning from your writing.

Clichés

Clichés are another important key to success. Especially when misused, they allow the real meaning of sentences to flow like water off a ducks back, where the duck is the reader. The more clichés you can pack into a paragraph the more confused the reader will get. It’s important when using clichés that you really give 110% to your writing.

Repetition

It’s a sad truth that people these days rely on repetition to enforce truth. Well sad unless you’re a self-help writer with a lot of space to fill and not much to say. The importance of repetition means that you can pretty much just say the same thing over and over again in new and innovative ways for the whole book if you want.

It’s vital that you repeat yourself so that the reader will recognise the importance of your message. Unless you repeat yourself several times your message won’t be enforced. This isn’t such a bad thing. It means that you will be able to fill up the empty pages of your book very quickly.

Always remember the golden rule for self-help writing – confusing the reader is the ultimate goal. You’ll eventually be able to release a sequel to your first book further explaining the concepts of the first. You can even use “for dummies” or “idiots guide to” in the title of the new book.

Ode to Bach

Johann Sebastian Bach was pretty awesome. Awesome enough for me to own this shirt.

While I’ve always appreciated Bach for his robust theology and amazing musical ability – it was not until the weekend that I learned that Bach was a coffee snob. He wrote a cantata describing his love for the bean. The Coffee Cantata. Here’s a rough English translation of some of the lyrics:

Recitative Schlendrian
You wicked child, you disobedient girl, h! when will I get my way; give up coffee!

Lieschen
Father, don’t be so severe! f I can’t drink my bowl of coffee three times daily, then in my torment I will shrivel up like a piece of roast goat.

Aria Lieschen
Mm! how sweet the coffee tastes, more delicious than a thousand kisses, mellower than muscatel wine. Coffee, coffee I must have, and if someone wishes to give me a treat, ah, then pour me out some coffee!

The piece was a moral treatise on the place of coffee in daily life. The protagonists were a father and a recalcitrant coffee addicted daughter who would not forgo her daily java. The father demanded she do so lest she forfeit the right to marry and she relents… seemingly. Although in a sub clause of sorts she indicates she’ll only marry a fellow coffee snob – sage advice indeed.

The uplifting final movement brings the father, daughter and narrator together to sing a song expounding on the benefits of coffee and proclaiming it “natural”. Hurrah.

Here’s a performance from YouTube:

Self Help Books for Dummies – The Title and establishing credibility

Now that we have picked our topic, the next, equally important, step is to pick a catchy title for the book. There are several self-help brand names, and unless you have been specifically employed by those brands, it’s a good idea to steer clear of titles that end with the words “for dummies” or start with the words “an idiot’s guide to”. However, it may be a good idea to cater for the section of the market that these books ignore and launch your own “for geniuses” brand. Because lets face it, nobody really likes being called a dummy do they? And you don’t want to be a nobody now do you? Like any good title a little pun never goes astray. Catchiness is also important, but believe it or not, this doesn’t mean your title needs to be short and punchy. Think of the books you’ve seen at bookshops in the last year. Which books had the longest titles? That’s right, the self-help books. Titles need to grab attention. They need to speak to the potential reader on more than a superficial level. They need to make a connection with the average bookshop browser, a connection that says, “you really want to buy me.”

The three big rules for writing a successful title are:
1. Don’t insult your reader
2. Be as catchy as possible
3. Less is not necessarily more

So a good title for our book about getting into the fresh fruit juice industry might be – “The big squeeze – a genii’s guide to creating your very own fruit juice franchise”

Establishing Credibility
It’s important that a self-help author establishes their credentials early on in the piece. Self-help writing is one of the few times in life where having lots of letters after your name is actually an advantage. If you have no really fancy qualifications, don’t worry. There are a few really easy solutions. There are several online “universities” offering diplomas for just 12 easy payments of $39. If that is beyond your financial means or you just don’t have the four weeks to wait for them to mail your certificate there is still hope. Simply legally change your name from ‘Joe Smith’ to ‘Joe Smith (B. Fruit Juice Studies, hons, Dip Bus Man, OBE)’. It’s always nice to award yourself a couple of prestigious awards. While a knighthood may seem a little pretentious, an order of Australia or other fancy award looks impressive and nobody will really question its legitimacy. Now that you have your new identity and your credibility is established, it’s time to start writing.