Carol Miller

The great debate

With Miss Carol Miller refusing to answer my emails and RSVP’s RSVP to my offer still pending – I’ve had to look elsewhere for kicks… and so, I give you “The Great Debate” a longstanding and popular water cooler conversation in the hallowed halls of Townsville Enterprise. Who would win in an inter-species battle of the death between a crocodile and a tiger shark. In search of an authoritative answer I contacted one of the world’s leading croc experts.

Dear Doctor Britton,

As a world leader in estuarine crocodile research
I’m hoping you’ll be able to shed some light on a long standing discussion
occuring within my circle of friends. We are debating the superioriy – or
ascendancy of the Estuarine Crocodile and the Tiger Shark. If these two natural
born killing machines were to engage in mortal combat which animal do you
believe would survive?

Assuming the animals in question were roughly the
same length – equal weight would involve a marked difference in size – and in a
location where both are found with some regularity – Townsville’s Cleveland Bay
for example, which creature do you think would come out on top in this clash of
the titans and why?

I thank you in advance for taking the time to answer
this query and reassure you that in no circumstances will I be seeking to
replicate, or actually create a set of circumstances whereby these animals duke
it out. Although suitable circumstances could possibly be created in an aquarium
facility with food being witheld from each animal to the point of desparate
hunger, I do not believe in playing God when it comes to the fate of such
magnificent animals. Still, it is an interesting question and one that no doubt
someone of your stature within the zoological community should be able to
expertly shed some light on…

Nathan Campbell

He replied…

Nathan,
These questions are always a bit hard to answer because, really, it all
depends on circumstances. A baby krait is quite capable of killing a
tigerif it happens to get a lucky bite in, but clearly a tiger is by far
thestronger and more likely winner of a contest between the two.Crocs and sharks
are two species that hunt in quite different manners, andso pitting one against
the other is difficult in terms of making the contestfair. There’s no
doubt that sharks are a lot more manoeuvrable in water,and if you put a croc and
a shark in the open ocean together my money wouldbe on the shark every time.
But crocs hunt by ambush and stealth, and ifyou put a shark into a muddy
river with a stealthy croc which got the firstbite and roll in then my money is
on the croc. In a limited spaceespecially the croc definitely has the
upper hand.So if you can imagine a balanced scenario where neither species would
be atany great advantage over the other then let me know, because otherwise
Idon’t think there’s a “right” answer to this question really.
I’vecertainly heard reports of tiger sharks killing crocs along the coast,
butI’ve also heard reports of crocs with bits of shark in their stomach, soeven
based on direct evidence it’s hard to pick a winner.I really think you’d be
better off tossing a coin because there are so manyvariables involved, but if I
had to put money on it I’d probably put it onthe shark if the contest was in
open water, and on the croc if the contestwas in a muddy tidal creek.
Best wishes,
Adam
–Dr Adam Britton, Crocodilian Specialist Senior Partner, Big
Geckohttp://crocodilian.com PO Box
925, Sanderson, NT 0813, Australia

Introducing Miss Carol Miller

I haven’t responded to any African scam emails for a while – but this one was too good to resist:

From Miss carol miller.
Abidjan. Cote D’Ivoire
West Africa

Hi

I am the only Daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs.michael D, miller. My father was a highly reputable busnness magnet who operated in the capital of
Ivory coast during his days.

It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on the 12th September 2003. Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6yrs old, and since then my father took me so special.

Before his death on September 2003, he called me and informed me that he has the sum of Five Million, Seven Hundred thousand United State Dollars.(USD$5,700,000.00)left in fixed deposit account in one of the leading banks in Africa. He further told me that he deposited the money in my name, and also gave me all the necessary but legal documents to this fund with the bank.

I am just 21 years old and a university undergraduate and really don’t know what to do. Now I want an account overseas where I can transfer this funds and after the transaction I will come and reside permanently in your country till such a time that it will be convenient for me to return back home if I so desire. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I also want to invest the fund under your care because I am ignorant of business world.

I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:

1. Can you honestly help me from your heart?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your account?

Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as possible. Immediately I confirm your willingness, I will send to you my Picture and also inform you more details involved in this matter.

Kind Regards,
Miss carol miller.

Here’s my response from a purpose built gmail account…

Dear Miss Miller,

I am interested in this opportunity and forwarded it to my personal account to continue correspondence. I am about to change careers and do not want my current employer to know. I will be starting my own business as a venture capitalist and investment consultant. I will be looking closely at Ivory Coast as a proposed investment destination so your offer is intriguing.

I am deeply sorry to hear that your parents are late – luckily punctuality is hereditary and I trust you will always endeavour to be timely in your responses throughout the course of this deal.

My father was also a magnet – sadly he met his demise when unable to avoid flying metallic objects.

1. Can you honestly help me from your heart?
Yes I will do all within my capabilities to assist you. My heart is yours – well not literally because were I to give it to you there would be nothing to pump the blood through my veins.

2. Can I completely trust you?
Of course, I am a very trustworthy businessman and am looking to form a longstanding relationship with you after this business is completed. With your Ivory Coast contacts and my business acumen we will be a force to reckon with.

3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your account?
I would think perhaps 15% would be appropriate.

If you would like to proceed with this transaction please forward me your photo with today’s date so I know that you are who you claim to be. I am careful when conducting transactions over the internet.

As a lifelong fan of the “choose your own adventure” genre – I offer you, the humble reader, the chance to influence my relationship with Miss Miller – should I follow up this email with a marriage proposal, should I raise the aforementioned, preagreed percentage for my services? What other mischief is possible? That is entirely up to you.

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