Chuck Norris reads his own facts

I still think Chuck Norris, Bear Grylls, and Mr T would make an awesome line up at a Christian men’s convention.

Thanks to Tim.

Invasion USA: Part One

This movie is so good I’m going to have to watch it in a couple of sittings. Here is my summary of the first half hour or so – with a particular focus on scenes involving Chuck Norris.

Opening scene – a boatload of Cuban refugees are paddling towards American soil. Their engines aren’t working. They spot a boat with a USA flag. The boat pulls up. It looks like the Coast Guard. Oh No. The captain of the boat says “welcome to America”, the refugees cheer. The guys on the US boat seem too well armed to be the Coast Guard. They open fire on the little refugee boat. Killing all on board. They climb aboard the refugee boat and remove a false floor. It’s full of drugs. Cut scene to Chuck.

Chuck Norris is driving a swamp boat. Looking stern (facial expression, not to the front of the boat). Wearing denim.

Chuck Norris Fact #1: Chuck Norris always looks stern when driving a boat.

Chuck Norris Fact #2: Chuck Norris doesn’t look cool in denim, denim looks cool on Chuck Norris.
Time passes. The bad guys do something to set up some sort of narrative tension. Cut to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is in a swamp wrestling a crocodile.
Chuck Norris Fact #3: Chuck Norris was wrestling reptiles when Steve Irwin was a toddler.

The bad guy just shot another bad guy down the front of his trousers.

Chuck Norris is offered a dinner date with an elderly native American. He wants him to eat frogs, from a jar. Chuck Norris says “I’m sick of frogs”…
Chuck Norris Fact #4: Chuck Norris doesn’t like French people either.

A guy in a suit tries to enter Chuck Norris’ house in the dark without knocking. He disturbs an armadillo. Chuck disturbs him. Chuck says “I’m not interested” in the guy’s ear before he’s had a chance to offer him work. Chuck walks out of his own house leaving the guy there.

Chuck Norris Fact #5: Chuck Norris does not need a “do not disturb” sign – Chuck Norris is never disturbed.

The bad guy just tried to assassinate a senior government official with a rocket launcher. Chuck Norris caught him, pointing a pistol at his head. Chuck Norris said “it’s time to die” and then didn’t kill him. But kicked him in the head. The bad guy woke up. It was only a dream.

Chuck Norris Fact #6: Chuck Norris hurts bad guys in their dreams.

Chuck Norris is using a chainsaw. Four swamp boats worth of bad guys approach. There are three guys per boat. Their approach is obscured by the sound of the chainsaw. The armadillo is scared. Armadillos look a bit like their name. Like if I wrote the word “armadillo” and asked you to draw what came to mind you’d draw what they look like.

The bad guys are disturbed by the approach of Chuck’s old Native American friend. He shoots one with a shotgun. The Bad guys blow up Chuck’s shack with about eight rockets and a few shots from a grenade launcher. The armadillo survives. Hurt. So does Chuck. The bad guys leave on their swamp boats. Chuck carries his native American friend (John Eagle) into the charred remains of his swamp shack (which is the kind of beach shack you live in if you’re really tough). Chuck lights a lamp – a kerosene type hurricane lamp thing – and throws it into the shack – giving his Native American friend a fitting farewell. He rides off on his swamp boat. Arriving in town with vengeance on his mind.

Chuck Norris Fact #7: It takes more than 12 explosive rounds to kill Chuck Norris. But only one explosive round with Chuck Norris for him to kill you.


Chuck Norris Fact #8: Chuck Norris is culturally sensitive and knows the burial rites of obscure Native American tribes and is not afraid to use them given the correct context in which to do so.

The town square has a billboard advertising frogs legs. Chuck gets into his beaten up pickup truck and drives away. The billboard is next to a building called “Eagle John’s Restaurant”…

To be continued…