Self fulfilling business strategy

I’ve often thought that the ideal business “strategy” (though highly illegal) would be buying the only panel beating workshop in a small town and paying a could of delinquents to go on a latenight rampage with baseball bats, or even getting somebody in the town’s transport department to keep issuing grannies their drivers license.

But I’ve got nothing on this Brazillian TV host, and former cop, whose crime show was lacking interesting murders. The solution is not to delve into the historical archives, or to cover the myriad kidnappings and violent crimes throughout South America… no. The answer is to start hiring hit men and then sending camera crews along to the scene.

He got caught because his crews kept arriving before the police. Brilliant idiot. He made the news in Australia because he just died in hospital while awaiting trial.

Chew on this

I love a good get rich quick scheme. Dieting fads are a surefire way to turn a quick dollar – so I give to you my new dietconcept – not really coming to a book store near you…

The Chew Diet.

Now this diet is not a new concept – its antecedent is an Edwardian concept called the “32 Chew Diet”. Those subscribing to that program were called upon to chew each morsel 32 times before swallowing.

Interestingly, on Fletcher’s [32 chew] diet you can eat anything – and as much of it as you like – but chewing takes so long, the desire to eat diminishes and you eat less.

Advances in medical research and food production have opened this diet up to a new level of efficacy.

Dieters subscribing to the “Chew Diet” must chew each mouthful the number of times required to burn the calories they are consuming, or to burn enough to meet their weight loss target. For foods that disintegrate too quickly I will no doubt produce a “weight loss gum”* that will be sold at a reasonable rate. This will also allow people to catch up on calories they may not have bruned for a variety of reasons.

Modern science suggests the act of chewing gum is good for your metabolism and can lead to a reduced appetite. Forcing oneself to chew the appropriate number of times will also mean fat people fit less food into their allocated timeslot for dining.

“When the volunteers chewed gum for an hour in the morning (three 20-minute sessions), they ate 67 fewer calories at lunch than they did on their chew-less days, and they did not compensate by eating more later in the day. Melanson also found that when her subjects chewed gum before and after eating, they expended about five percent more energy than when they didn’t chew.”

According to the Internet, 1 chew burns 3/100 of one calorie. The number of chews required to burn off a Mars Bar (or other unhealthy foods) is an incentive to stick to healthy foods. One 58g Mars Bar (259 calories) requires 8,330 chews.

Internet Experts further reveal that constant chewing of gum for an entire year would burn close to 100,000 calories. This does not even take into account the weight lost through gum induced diarrhea.

Any takers?
*May have laxative effect.