Produce the goods

Well it has been a while since I last posted anything of value (some people would argue that I’ve never posted anything of value). I have been busy. Really. I have. I’m working hard – although you might disagree when you’ve finished reading this post. On Wednesday night I picked up the cast and crew of Fresh – the channel 9 (I’ll get to channel 9 later) cooking show from the airport. They are the best film crew I’ve worked with so far, and were a lot of fun to host.

On Thursday night I attended a black tie, $200 a head, 6 course banquet dinner. I’d post the menu but you’d all be jealous, I’ve now tried rabbit, crocodile, tuna loins (but where are their legs), duck and other interesting stuff… with wine to match. The dinner was the opening of the Australian Festival of Chamber Music. My mother will be happy to know that I now just eat whatever is put in front of me – provided it’s been prepared by a 5 star chef… I’m being very sophisticated.

Here’s three things I learned while on the road with Fresh
1. The reason you never see flies on the set of cooking shows is because they spray the food with fly spray to keep bugs off… (I wanted to make a “bugger off” pun there but couldn’t think of a suitable way to frame it – and we all know the key to art these days is the frame).
2. The Nine network need to work harder to ensure their staff are confident about job security (I’d suggest that rather than spending millions of dollars flying the Footy Show to Germany, or having senior management catch a cab from the Blue Mountains to Sydney, they should keep their lower level staff employed.)
3. You should never begin a list with an arbitary number of things to achieve – instead you should edit in retrospect. Which I will not do now… So that you can learn from my mistakes.

People keep rewarding me for my work (which I get paid for) with produce (as in fruit and vegetables) – first it was the crazy fashion bash man with the eggplant (which I donated to a good cause), avocadoes (which i’m going to have to turn into a dip) and pumpkin – which became a pumpkin pie, enjoyed by all at work (but not prepared by me)… and now I’ve been further remunerated with items of home grown goodness. I took Fresh to a pineapple farm. The pineapple farmers were cool – they’re this four generation farming family – the farm was started by Mr Pace Sr, he had three sons, Messers Pace Jr, these sons had sons, Messers Pace Jr Jr, and these sons married and had sons, and daughters (the oldest of that generation is 15, the second oldest 14 – he drives trucks and stuff around the farm, and knows more about pineapples than anyone should at his age). All but the oldest Mr Pace still live on the farm. There’s 20 Paces in total, which sounds a bit like a duel… anyway, the Paces were lovely, and they gave me a huge watermelon, and some pineapples.

So this week I’ve had more free food than I could poke a stick at… well I could have poked a stick at it, but that would have been odd. Really, really, odd. I wonder where that expression came from.

I know I said I’d talk about Channel 9. But I’ll do that in a later post. Maybe the same one that I talk about the benefits of eloping (for Caitie’s benefit, or by her request (I’m not sure I know anything about eloping. I must be the world’s worst source of advice for any relationship issues)).

19 thoughts on “Produce the goods”

  1. Now that was an entertaining post. Your job sounds like fun. I’ll be up thewre in ten days time if you need some relationship advice, Love Mum

  2. Your job sounds fantastic!

    Re: Poking sticks at fruit. Maybe the proverbial stick is a skinny, snappable stick which would break if you poked lots of vegetable items with it? Particularly pumpkins, which are one of the hardest vegetables to cut, or so my wife tells me. Or perhaps, it’s a really heavy stick, and your arm just gets really tired from poking all those vegetables?

    Q. What’s brown and sticky?

    A. Peanut butter!! ah ha ha ha… hmmm..

  3. WHAT A WASTE OF FOOD. Surely there are homeless people that could benefit from food cooked outside even if a couple of flies had flown by. BUt instead of cooking edible food (slightly flied) for people in need, they waste quality food for tv. Not only does the tv show waste the food, they don’t give viewers a true representation on the state of a household kitchen, nor a sensible or practical way to deal with flies. I AM ANGRY.

  4. I have a question you may be able to answer, Nathan:

    I was reading a feature on the current state of the Nine Network in the Weekend Australian, and the kept talking about ratings, and how 2.8m people tuned in the Beaconsfield tell all show and how x number of people watched the Japan – Australia match etc. How do they know how many people are watching each show? Is there some kind of Big Brother (in the Orwellian sense)tracking device in our televisions? Will the authorities discover that we accidentally flicked over to Big Brother while channel surfing last night? And can I get a lighter sentence for confessing?

  5. Andrew,

    I can answer your question – but the answer will be incredibly boring and complex… so I’ll summarise.

    It’s statistics. They have a number of TV viewers from different demographics whose viewing patterns are surveyed – once upon a time they kept paper diaries which were submitted weekly – now there are electronic box things that monitor patterns. To count as a viewer you have to watch for more than 15 minutes. They then extrapolate their statistics to give a total number of viewers – there are lots of potential inaccuracies in the process. Some people have multiple sets – some people leave their TVs on and do other stuff. 76% of statistics are made up on the spot, and the other 50% are useless anyway.

  6. Nathan, I have another question for you… What happened to your phone this weekend?

  7. Andrew (weather nut)

    ooh ooh ooh!!! I know – a brown stick!!!!!!!! *walks away smiling to self)

  8. I left my phone in the work car… two days in a row.

    Is that supposed to be embarrassing?

  9. This blog was better. More reader friendly – like “The courier mail”, compared to “The Australian”. I am a courier mail reader. I especially like the sunday mail – yay for comics!

    I hope CB, that your eye is ok! I’m sure you knew what to do. STAT! Do you actually get to say “Stat” as a doctor… or just on TV? And why STAT? why not “NOW” or “FAST”?

  10. Re: Is that supposed to be embarrassing?

    No, not really. I just thought I’d give you the opportunity to show us that you are human and you do dumb things on the odd occasion.

    And then, I can’t even reach it standing on a CHAIR to smash it or take the battery out or do anything.

  12. why were you asleep for no reason?

    Are you a dragon who subconsciously breathes fire while you’re asleep?

  13. thatd be a nice invention, a highly flammable smoke detector.

    The disposable smoke detector.

  14. Hi cb,

    If the smoke detector is one of those ones with a button to press to turn it off, could you reach it by standing on a chair and use a broom or mop to press the button?

  15. And if the handle is too wide, put a piece of blue-tac on the handle with some paper on top so it doesn’t stick.

  16. Thanks Guys, you are both much more helpful than Nathan’s ‘advice’… I will try that tonight if it does it again.

    Oh and Nathan, it started beeping again just after you sent me that text message (for other readers, all it said was “Beep”.) I have decided that it possibly a conspiracy. Or that could be all the time I have spent around paranoid people recently…

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