Rules for operating a motor vehicle…

Joel suggested I’d attract more interaction on my blog by courting controversy. Well, like the Townsville Bulletin, I’m sick of the crap drivers in Queensland. 28 lives have been lost to bad driving in North Queensland this year. That’s 28 times my press releases have been bumped from the newspaper by speeding, drinking, and stupid truck drivers who are too impatient to realise that 10km/hr over the speed limit will only get them to their destination at a marginally earlier time than obeying the speed limit and not tailgating my poor little purple excel. Or the other poor little people they routinely run off the road. The problem is not endemic to North Queensland. There are bad drivers all over the “Smart State”. My basic rule when I get behind the wheel of my deathbox is to assume that all the other drivers on the road are idiots. That assumption is pretty consistent with my experience. Here are some simple rules for you idiot Queenslanders to follow:

  1. Indicate when changing lanes – it’s simple, it’s courteous, it stops people running into your car.
  2. Don’t change lanes while turning on a roundabout – finish going round the roundabout then change lanes.
  3. Shoulder check before merging – that way I don’t have to brake to avoid hitting your stupid souped up commodore.
  4. Don’t under any circumstances honk your horn at me when I obey the road rules.
  5. Give way at give way signs, give way to pedestrians when they have right of way.
  6. Don’t overtake me on the highway when I’m already going slightly over the speed limit – the moral to this story is that if you’re an idiot and you overtake me, you’ll probably get busted by the police like that red Mitsubishi the other day.
  7. On the other hand, if you drive a slow car, or drive a fast car slowly – use the left hand lane.

Here are some unwritten principles that I think should be introduced to discourage bad driving:

  1. When you’re being overtaken on the highway by an impatient idiot – speed up so they can’t pass you.
  2. When a truck is tailgating you on the highway turn on your hazard lights and/or softly apply the brakes so that your brake lights come on.
  3. If a little car is tailgating you in the suburban streets remember your handbrake doesn’t have brake lights and the person at the back is always deemed responsible for a collision.
  4. If you’re being tailgated at night let the other car pass you then high beam it. Alternatively, remember the speed limit is an optional maximum – if there’s no overtaking lane feel free to slow down to a speed you feel is “safe”.
  5. When someone does something a little bit silly on the road give them a patronising round of applause rather than the traditional “up yours” hand signal.

I read an article somewhere on a proposed police crackdown on flashing your lights to warn other drivers about upcoming speed traps. I may have mentioned this before but I think that if police were serious about reducing speeding and not revenue raising they’d drive around in unmarked cars flashing their headlights. I was saved by a friendly fellow road user the other they and felt so grateful that I drove the next 5 minutes courtesy flashing everyone who came my way. What’s the socially acceptable distance from a speed camera to flash your lights? Do you have to be in the immediate vicinity of said speed trap or can you continue flashing as long as you’re on an unbroken stretch of road?

Sadly this tirade was brought on because my press release didn’t get picked up by the local paper because they spent too many pages covering our unsafe roads and the road toll.    

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.

8 thoughts on “Rules for operating a motor vehicle…”

  1. Ah, this is better blog content. Something I can comment on. I’ve still been (skim) reading the blogs though.

    You were taught to drive in Queensland, you hold a qld licence, you’ve driving most of your driving ‘career’ in Qld, I think you qualify as one of those “stupid Qld drivers”. Perhaps without the stupid bit.

    Another technique my sister & I have designed to “teach” others on the road is called the “block in” manouver. When you are in a street with 2 lanes & an idiot can be seen in the rear view mirror, lane changing to get ahead. It only works if I am in one car & jill is in hers. We like to form a block across 2 lanes (one in each), side by side. One person goes a little faster, so the idiot changes lanes behind to get ahead, but then that person drops back, so he changes back. And so on. It’s a fantastic lesson. I highly recommend you try it.
    This is why I think your blog was great… Near & dear to my little road-raging heart. (not really. only a tiny bit of a road rager, more like a “road patroller” – keeping the idiots in line.) I should right slogans for politicians.

  2. Idiot drivers annoy me. In fact idiots in general annoy me. I almost got cleaned up by a woman trying to do a U turn at the lights outside aitkinvale maccas a few days ago…it would have been nice if she had of looked in the direction of on-coming traffic before she made this near-fatal decision (fatal for me, that is. I probably would have ploughed into the back left hand side of her car if I hadn’t have slammed the brakes on. She would have a broken car but of course she would not have been injured).

    Good blog. Sorry about your press release going unnoticed.

  3. Great,

    …first take the log out…
    …without sin cast the first…
    …forgive 70 times 7…
    …turn the other cheek…
    …vengeance is mine…

    Unless you’re in a car.

  4. It is a shame that so many positive things (I’m assuming Nathan’s press releases are included in the positive – I’m open to correction), get overshadowed by the negatives.

  5. haha. I’m glad it’s not only students’ media releases that don’t get picked up by the Bully. Not that the Bully knows news anyway. There’s a girl in my class who, in conjunction with our lecturer, has done a bit of investigative journalism on the security and training of staff in the mental ward at the hospital (which are both crap). What did the Bully do with it? Put it in the “students” file and didn’t look at it. Until my lecturer had a chat with one of the editors (who hadn’t even been told about it) and he said he’d make sure something got done about it.

  6. Well down ol’ chap. I have to say, after having driven in NSW, QLD and Victoria, Victorian drivers fare worse than QLD ones. INFURIATING!!!!

    Another tactic rather than the round of applause that you suggested is to blow a kiss or give a friendly wave – drives them insane.

  7. Thanks for some light entertainment in the middle of a boring hour. :) Got here by way of Crazy Lady Rach.

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