The Beginners Guide to Taking Over the World – Getting Started

Getting Started
Baby Steps

Taking over the world, like everything else, requires careful planning. It is also important that you proverbially walk before you run, take baby steps, etc. The point is, that as your goal is quite big it’s important to get used to the conquest process on a smaller scale. Ideally this process should start in pre-school. If you’re the kind of child who took over the playground fort as often as you could you’re well on your way to taking over the world. If you weren’t that type of child then don’t worry, it’s not too late to start the process, it just may take some time getting used to it.

Practice, as they say, makes perfect. You should practice the conquest process as often as possible, in the work place, in the family, at play. If you aren’t usurping other people’s rightful authority over yourself then you just aren’t taking every opportunity available. Start today. When your boss next tells you to do something you have a couple of paths that you can choose that could help you on your way. You can do the job so well that your boss feels insecure resigns and hands you the reigns, you can delegate the job back to him, creating confusion about the power dynamic in your workplace or you can choose the violent conquest option and physically remove him from his office, I wouldn’t recommend this at such an early stage in the process, there’s a lot to be said for having the respect of a large group of people before you engage in any bloodshed, a large army also helps. There’s also the easy option of just complying with their wishes, but that’s not going to get you anywhere fast.

Taking the plunge

Anyway, when you feel that you are ready to move on to bigger and better conquests it is time to start looking for an area of land to lay claim to. If you’d been around more than 200 years ago this would have been a lot easier as there was a lot more “unclaimed” land around then. As most of today’s land is “claimed” you may have to resort to conquest. I would suggest, in the interest of not bringing any other already established super powers into the fray to early, that you start somewhere small and insignificant. Somewhere that no one really cares about, possibly an island state with a relatively small contribution to their nation’s day to day life.

If you’re an Australian, I suggest Tasmania. It’s small, it’s cold, it’s full of Tasmanians and nobody really cares that much about it. In terms of Australian culture the only thing it offers is a chance to see penguins, and lets face it, if you’ve seen one penguin, you’ve seen them all. If you’re not an Australian I’ve included a world map at appendix A, check your local region for an area that no one really likes. I’ve included a list of possible targets at Appendix B.

There are two traditional methods of conquest, conquests of arms, and conquests of alms. For your first endeavour I suggest the latter method. It’s less likely to raise the ire of larger, more powerful nations.

In the case of Tasmania, it shouldn’t cost you more than a couple of dollars anyway, so it’s well worth the investment.

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.