The Beginners Guide to Taking Over the World – Where to next?

Overcoming opposition
Sooner or later, as your empire expands, and your threats of global extinction begin to reach the wrong ears, you will face some form of opposition to your vision statement. This opposition is likely to come up at the most inopportune moment so it is a good idea to prepare for it early.

The universally recognised quick-fix method for combating opposition is to blackmail your opponent. If blackmail fails you should blackmail your opponents enemies into attacking your mutual adversary.

The problem with blackmail is that you need to have something over your opponent. The best way to get dirt on your opponent is to throw mud at them. You would naturally think that I’m speaking figuratively, not literally. But no, in this case, literally might actually work. A leader with dirt on their clothes is obviously not fit to be governing a country. The best way to achieve this sullying of your foe’s image, figuratively and literally, is to invite all the world leaders to a barbeque at your new palace. At some point during the barbeque you should have your clown goons interrupt proceedings with some apparently spontaneous mudslinging. Have a cameraman on hand to capture the foreign dignitaries with mud all over their best suits. You now have the dirt on all your potential opposition. This should prevent anything other than a token effort on your future opponents behalf.

Where to next?
The ball is truly in your court, your opponents are subdued, your army is trained up, and your people love you. What is your next move going to be? You need to expand the only way upwards is outwards. If you want to become the next global authority you need to increase your grip on the globe.

The key to successful expansion is to do it incrementally. There’s an old fable about a farmer who very slowly increases the size of his paddock by moving the fence posts, no one notices, and eventually the kings castle is inside the farmers paddock and he now owns the kingdom. The moral to that story should be quite clear. The application should also be clear. You don’t want to conquest in leaps and bounds, that creates ripples and the other international parties like everything to sail very smoothly.

I’m also reminded about that story about frogs on the stove, when you put a frog in a saucepan of room temperature water on a stovetop and turn the stove on the frog doesn’t notice the water heating up and eventually expires because it is too hot.* If however you put a frog in hot water he tries to make his escape and at that point if you want cooked frog you have to hit him with your wooden spoon, at least that’s what I imagine you do, I’d never do that to a poor frog. Unless it was a Freddo and for some reason I wanted melted chocolate.

Anyway the meaning to be found amidst all that rambling is that your best bet is to take small steps, slowly moving up in the world. If you started with Tasmania, your next move might be to take New Zealand. Then Samoa, Fiji, the list goes on, there are plenty of small island nations to take over before you move onto the continental mainland. Sooner or later, everyone who wants to take over the world has to invade Poland, it’s like a rule, or a tradition, it’s not worth breaking traditions over trifling matters like logistics so you should include Poland in your schedule somewhere.
*One wonders what would happen if room temperature was the temperature at which water boils, if the frog instinctively jumps out of the water, does he still die – is it a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire? Who knows.

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