Invasion USA: Part 3

Two very muscly men are polishing their car in a backstreet. One can’t touch his sides with his elbows. They are disturbed by a bunch of passers by. They look angry. The two car washing guys follow the bad guys into the high class establishment. The bad guy has a sore hand. Chuck pins his hand to a bedside table with a knife. Now he has two sore hands. The knife is serated. He pulls it out – now he has a saw hand.

Someone tries to intervene, Chuck says “if you come back in here I’m going to hit you with so many rights you beg for a left.” The tough car washers arrive. Chuck says “you’re beginning to irritate me. He pulls the pin from a grenade and puts it in the bad guy’s sore hand. He gives the man holding the grenade a warning to pass on to Blondie. As he escapes the man throws the grenade out the window – onto the car that was being polished below.

A child throws bubble gum onto a shopping centre display. He is chased by security. A bad guy carrying a beeping package disguised as Christmas presents walks into a department store. He leaves the bag and walks away – a helpful shopper picks up the bag. The bad man runs away as the helpful man tries to return it. The bad guy doesn’t want to die. Bad men carrying guns appear from nowhere. The bomb goes off. Chuck arrives, to much fanfare. Driving his truck through the shopping centre doors. There are six men with machine guns. His truck is bulletproof.

The writer of this show doesn’t like children. Every scene a child appears in is followed by an act of unrelenting and unmitigated chaos.

The bad guys knees aren’t Chuck proof. Chuck is carrying two machine pistols. The bomber is trying to hotwire a car that has been on display in the shopping centre. Grenades are hurled. Chuck plays chicken with the bad guy’s truck. He jumps on the back. The punch sound effects in this movie are just like the punch sound effects in a boxing game. Chuck hangs on to the truck until it drives through the shopping centre doors. The bad guys grab a hostage and carry her along – outside the truck. The pesky journalist appears on the scene and jumps into the convertible that Chuck steals. Chuck’s hair and beard blow in the breeze. He rams the truck – a Nissan – with his convertible. The truck passenger shoots. The journalist rescues the bad guy’s hostage. After a few attempts to grab on to her fail.

They drive past a baseball game shots are fired. The bad guys drop a grenade inside their car. Chuck runs them off the road. They explode, crashing into a row of parked cars as they do for maximum effect. The director isn’t a fan of subtlety.

Blondie really likes shooting people down the front of their trousers. Blondie is scared of Chuck. His loyal offsider (the guy who shot the couple on the beach) convinces him not to go after Chuck by himself.

The police inspect the damage at the shopping centre – they mention in passing that the pickup truck they had recovered from the shopping centre has been stolen from the depot. We cut to Chuck, driving said pick up truck. He wears black gloves. Chuck is waylaid by men wearing army clothes. They block the road at the exit and at the rear. Chuck shoots them all. Except one, well, he shoots him, but he leaves him allive. A fellow ranga. He gets information from the ranga. These rangas stick together.

It is night time. Choppers are flying around telling citizens to stay off the street. A family with a child are caught running around after curfew. They escape into a church.

Bad guys are hiding in trucks. The minister in the church starts his prayer with “protect our children”… the bad guys descend on the church. They rig the church with explosives. Blondie is told his team of crack assassins has been terminated by Chuck. The congregation sings an unrecognisable hymn. The bomb beeps, helpfully, so that we know it’s a bomb.

We hear the words to the hymn now – “In my hands, oh Christ I bring”… anybody recognise it?

The bad guys try to blow up the church. Chuck has their bomb. It’s no longer beeping. Chuck drops the bomb (in a suitcase) on them. He says “didn’t work huh? Now it will.” They blow up.

A butcher is out of meat. A rabble forms. The military arrive. They set up a perimeter around the rabble. They are about to mow down the innocents when Chuck appears. He takes them down. Mostly. The bald henchman grabs the pesky journalist – who happened to be at the butchers. The bad guy calls Chuck’s name. Chuck appears beside him and grabs his gun, he makes him shoot himself in the head, rescuing the journalist – who employs the “treat em mean, keep em keen” ploy and calls Chuck a creep.

A bus load of children are getting ready to flee to the country. Their parents wave goodbye. The children look sad. Clearly something bad is about to happen to the bus. This is the director’s theory regarding pathos.