David Thorne, you’ve heard of him right? The guy who tried to pay his debts with a picture of a spider. Amongst other things (hit the David Thorne tag below for all his hijinks that I’ve previously featured).
You’d think, if you worked with such a renowned internet prankster, he’d be the last person you’d turn to for design help. Which is what his colleague did after her cat went missing. She asked for a “lost cat” poster – here are some of the suggested designs (read the email thread here).
All games actually come from the same place. Did you know that? Don’t believe me? Here’s the shirt to prove it.
You’ve seen the imagery – and now it’s time for the substance. If you’re carrying a few extra kilos (and trust me, I can relate) then this book should spur you on to greater physical fitness. Because we all know that when it comes to God’s love it’s not what’s inside that counts – it’s how good you look.
Chapter One of “Help Lord – The Devil Wants Me Fat: a spiritual approach to a trim and attractive body” is entitled “The Satanic Food Conspiracy!”…
Let me quote to you from the opening paragraphs.
“I don’t see how a really fat person can be a true Christian!”
Normally I ignore such remarks. We all know that being fat or skinny has nothing to do with being saved. But the brother making the statement was so sincere, I thought I’d better hear him out.
“Oh, I replied, “How come?”
See what he’s done here. He’s disassociated himself from the heresy but then given it credence, and indeed, produce a whole book on the basis that you need to be skinny.
“Well, in Philippians 3:19, the apostle Paul speaks of those whose god is their belly. When a person is overweight it seems to me that food is his real master, not the Lord Jesus. Those extra pounds are proof he puts his stomach ahead of the Lord.”
This prompted some soul searching. Our author used to be “large.”
“Then I looked down at the rolls around my waistline. One thing was obvious – I was eating more food than I needed… Is it possible the Devil was using food to weaken the Lord’s rule over my life? Ugh, I didn’t like that idea. Probably because the answer I was getting back was a “yes.”
From what I knew of the devil, food was something he would definitely use. He’s skillful in turning good things to evil purposes… we could consider sex. Here is a beautiful thing God has given us, a drive of the organism to remind us how incomplete we are in ourselves. Just as we need a mate to make us complete in the flesh, so do we need the Lord Jesus to be complete in the Spirit… If Satan has the ability to turn God given drives and turn them to evil, why would he ignore something as vital as eating.”
Here’s the clincher for his argument (and if you read this conclusion with his sex analogy in mind you can understand why he thinks a glass of water is a satisfying start to the day).
“When we’re eating, do we think in terms of what our bodies need? No, we think of how good it tastes or how satisfying it is to stuff ourselves. That’s got to be the work of Satan. He gets us to shift our focus from eating what we NEED to eating what we WANT… Beyond that there seems to be a FOOD CONSPIRACY in our land. Fast food stands are springing up like gas stations. Household magazines are filled with colour photos of delicious pastries and desserts. Everywhere you look it’s food-food-FOOD…
“Most Christians seem to think it [their body] belongs to them; that they can do with it as they please. As a result they pollute it and defile it. We’re familiar with the usual things that defile the body: drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex sins… But most subtle is the way the devil gets us to defile our bodies with food. Many who profess to put Christ first in their lives, deny His lordship with a knife and fork.”
No doubt Keller would enjoy this bit…
“Thus we have Christians who wouldn’t think of lying or stealing or committing adultery, unashamedly going around with bulging bellies. By this they are announcing to the world, “I’ve got another god in my life!” This is in direct violation of the First Commandment.”
The problem though, is Television. If this book were written today the problem would no doubt be all the food ads – but back in 1982 it was the breaks for “station identification”… this was an opportunity to get up to mischief.
“You’re watching TV. There’s a break for station identification. Do you just sit there? No. You ease out of your chair and head for the kitchen. The refrigerator door swings open. You peer inside. Are you hungry? No. does your body need food right now? No. Do you know why you’re standing there staring like that? No…
If nothing is available from the refrigerator you may open a cupboard or two. Some more staring. If you spy something that can be eaten conveniently, you reach for it. If not, you close the door… “I don’t need it anyway” but that’s a victory of the moment. You’ll be back shortly. You win sometimes and you lose sometimes, but the final score is totaled up on the bathroom scale. If you’ve gained weight you are clearly losing the war.”
If you haven’t been offended by this pastoral method before, you probably will be now…
“The devil doesn’t care about fat. He’s concerned with what happens to Christians when they’re fat… in spite of the common notion that fat people are more jolly, the real truth is they’re often more lonely. They make good pals, but not sweethearts. As a result, fat people do a lot of pretending.”
Basically, if you know a happy fat person they’re just faking it. And Satan spends his time helping them weave a fantasy web of self-satisfied delusion…
Except, of course, for those who are fat because of glandular conditions. There’s a disclaimer at the end of this chapter. I would have put this at the front personally… the disclaimer points out that fewer than 1% of the population have this problem and that these people are not the target of this book.
Here are the reasons Satan wants us fat.
Lest you be thinking that this issue is simply limited to your own stomach (and no doubt gluttony does lead to being overweight, as do other factors like poor nutritional education… and the types of processed foods that are part of modern diets…)…
“As far as I can determine we are in those days of “eating and drinking” of which the Lord spoke (Matt 24:37-39). It is one of the signs of the last days.”
The chapter finishes by assuring us that being overweight is just as bad as being an adulterous pastor…
“Some years ago a well known evangelist on the West Coast was shot and killed in a motel room by an enraged husband. The preacher was caught in bed with the man’s wife… But let me ask this: “is it any worse for the Lord to find you in bed with someone else’s wife or husband? Or to have him find you 20-50 pounds overweight?
I Write Like is a cool little online tool that compares your writing style to famous people.
Knowing how you write like is only half the fun, what about how other people write like…
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
His farewell speech was more like a tech blogger:
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Who do you write like?
Milk can make or break your coffee. Good milk gives your coffee that velvety texture and takes the edge off any residual bitterness. Bad milk makes the coffee appear thermonuclear – have you ever had one of those takeaway coffees that seems to get hotter rather than colder in your hand?
The key to a great milk based coffee (and to latte art) is steaming the milk properly, or if you’re heating milk for your plunger coffee or stovetop – not overheating it.
When you’re steaming milk using an espresso machine there are a couple of things to watch out for. Firstly, you don’t want to boil or overheat your milk. Milk is best at somewhere between 55 and 65 degrees. After 65 degrees the sugars and proteins in the milk start to break down and you end up with sour, burnt tasting flavours. A good rule of thumb (literally) is to put your thumb against the side of the jug as you steam the milk. When it gets too hot to hold your hand against for more than a second or two (and this obviously depends on how tough your hands are – so you might need to experiment) it’s just right. You can buy a milk thermometer, which is a worthwhile investment until you get a feel for what temperature you’re after. It’s also worth remembering that your milk will actually continue to heat up for a little while after you stop frothing it (before it begins to cool down). So stop a little bit below your target if you’re using a thermometer.
The other factor in good milk is texture. Good milk is like silk. It moves as a cohesive unit and has a nice glossy finish. Silky milk, also called microfoam, is what separates good coffee from bad. To get microfoam you need to manage the way air is injected into your milk by your steam wand. Your goal is to merge the milk and the air seamlessly. If you stick the wand too deep or two shallow it’ll blow air into your milk in a disruptive way – giving big bubbles. What you want is a whirlpool effect in your jug (some home machines can’t get a whirlpool – you might need a smaller jug, or just to focus on motion in the jug not just stagnant milk with bubbles forming). Tipping the jug on an angle towards the steam wand and holding the tip of the wand just below the surface of the milk is a good way to get a whirlpool happening. If your milk screams like you’re killing it you probably are.
Mastering milk will dramatically improve your coffee.
Some tips for getting your milk right:
Well, the big day arrived (last Thursday actually – I’ve been remiss in posting this). I finally converted coffee cherries into a drinkable cup of coffee.
It was a long, slow, process, so I figured it deserved a long, slow pour (I tend to prefer thick coffee produced with a slow extraction).
Check it out in video form:
I thought I’d share with you some tidbits from the newest edition/addition in my library. These are photos from my iPhone.
It’s brilliant. It opens with a statement I can paraphrase as: if you/r friend are/is overweight, not only is it the devil’s fault but you should question your salvation.
I’ll deal with the substance of the argument in a future post – but now I’m going to share with you some of what I think makes this book special – its style.
Some of its illustrations look like Chance cards from Monopoly:
With a bit of high art (which may suggest that the original sin was gluttony not disobedience).
The problem is your sub-conscious. It’s the Devil’s playground.
It’s this sort of advice that will set you on the path to skinniness:
It says: “A glass of water will do you for breakfast. It’s surprising how satisfying a glass of water can be.”
The Devil is an imp in a top hat.
He ends up in web of positive thinking and healthy eating advice:
I’ve only posted less than half the post-worthy illustrations here (and they’re photos from my iPhone). I’m hoping to post the rest in coming days/weeks in better quality and with the kind of analysis you’ve come to expect from St. Eutychus.
I trust you’ll enjoy this journey of self discovery thoroughly.
You’ve got your coffee ready to go after following steps one, two and three – and now it’s time to complete the science of extracting the coffee flavour and caffeine you’re looking for from your cuppa. Here we’ll provide a few tips on espresso extraction, plunger preparation and a guide to stovetop espresso.
Espresso
Espresso is to coffee what nectar is to fruit juice. It’s thick. It’s undiluted. And it’s the basis of most coffee drinks you’ll buy out and about in Australian cafes.
There are, as in every step of the preparation process, a number of variables to be aware of when it comes to extracting your espresso. Essentially, the temperature of the water, the time taken, and the pressure applied to the coffee are the big three.
Water temperature
One of the biggest (and most common) crimes in coffee preparation is using water that is too hot. A lot of machines will overheat if left on too long. Water will sit in the boiler or thermoblock and heat past 96 degrees (about spot on for espresso). The easiest way to overcome this is to flush hot water from the system before pulling your shot (coffee jargon for pushing the button, espresso machines historically used levers for the process of extracting coffee).
If the water is too cold it won’t cause the coffee oils to separate from the granules, if it’s too hot it’ll get too much oil on the way through. Leaving your coffee bitter. If you like bitter coffee use water that is too hot and extract for too long – it’s all about personal taste.
Shot time
The time taken for a shot is important – if the water is in contact with the coffee for too long it absorbs too much coffee oil and becomes bitter, if the water is in contact with the coffee for too short a time (if the coffee shoots through the coffee quickly) it won’t pick up any of these oils and will taste like brown water.
The Specialty Coffee Association of America, a leading authority, suggests ideal shot times of 20 seconds, the generally accepted principle is that between 20 and 30 seconds is ideal.
Pressure
Until recently playing around with pressure during the shot has been largely impossible (this is changing with the latest and greatest commercial machines). When it comes to home machines it’s a matter of finding a machine that will pump water through your coffee at about 9 bar of pressure (15 bar machines are a little misleading).
Plunger tips
Stovetop tips
This should produce thick and rich stovetop coffee with a layer of crema.
Once you’ve got your supply of fresh beans and your grind sorted it’s time to make your coffee – the next step where coffee often fails is in the “dose” – in espresso preparation this is the amount of coffee ground and tamped into your portafiller basket. The portafiller is the fancy name for “the handle that goes into the machine.”
The amount of coffee used per cup is also important in all other methods of coffee preparation, but it is one of the most controllable variables in your coffee preparation routine. Some baristas seeking to control every variable to the nearest micro detail will even weigh the ground coffee before making their drinks. Others will develop a consistent routine to ensure they get the same result every time.
When it comes to espresso getting the dose wrong can have profound impacts on your extraction, too much and the coffee will stall or pour too slowly. The ideal for espresso is for about 30mL in 25-30 seconds, a shot that takes longer, called a ristretto, is thicker, oilier, and becoming increasingly popular in specialty cafes. Ristrettos can be achieved by increasing your dose.
The basic routine for espresso dosing is to grind your coffee into the portafiller basket until it is heaped over the top. A good tip at this point is to use the double shot basket even when you’re only going to use a single shot. It tastes better.
Bang it against a flat surface a few times (aim for the same number every time) to settle the coffee – you don’t want big gaps or different densities in the puck your coffee will form in the basket – having uniform density means the water has to travel through the coffee evenly.
Next, level off the coffee with a flat surface (use the same thing each time – most baristas use their fingers, but you can use the back of a bread knife or buy expensive dosing tools). Volume is more important than weight – different beans have different densities and it’s important to have the same volume of coffee in the basket each time rather than the same weight, but a ball park is 14gm for a double shot.
Then tamp (push down on) the coffee firmly – some people suggest tamping with 15kg of force (you can practice on bathroom scales, practice pushing down on them with your tamper/flat round surface until it reads 15kg or thereabouts). When the coffee is tamped properly you should be able to flip the portafiller upside down without getting coffee all over your bench, once you’ve got the coffee in the basket it’s time to extract your shot.
When it comes to dosing for your plunger coffee or filtered/percolated coffee there are ideal ratios of coffee to water – that are also best calculated using volume. For a plunger, also called a “French Press” or a presspot, the ratio is one heaped tablespoon per cup of coffee. Brewed coffee (percolaters, drip filters, etc) needs about two tablespoons for one and a half cups.
Everybody’s least favourite protest church is getting contempervant. First up, they’re targeting a comic convention. Because God apparently hates nerds, and super heroes are idols.
Picture credit: Kotaku’s coverage
“It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”
The proof text on that sign, Romans 9:13, is a little bit odd. Apparently Esau was a nerd.
“Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.”
This just shows a bizarre disregard for any description of Jacob (a mummy’s boy) and Esau from the Bible (Genesis 25).
Here’s a description of the two from Genesis:
“27 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. 28 Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.”
Esau is an anti-nerd. It seems more likely that God loves nerds who stay at home quietly with their mothers. I’d go a step further and suggest that the Westboro Baptist crew, in their militant and confrontational approach to spreading the gospel, have embrace an Esau like approach to life. And thus they are damned by their own proof text.
I sent Westboro a letter to let them know. I’d hate for them to fall foul of accusations that they don’t know their Bibles very well…
“Hi guys,
I noticed your protest of the Comic Convention featured a sign “God Hates Nerds” citing Romans 9:13 as a text.
Romans 9:13 “Jacob I loved, Esau I hated” doesn’t really work when applied to nerds.
Esau was the least nerdy of the pair – in fact, Genesis’ description of the brothers (25:27-28) suggests that it was, in fact, Jacob who was the nerd. Jacob stays at home with mum (typical nerd behaviour) while Esau goes outside and hunts like a man.
“27 And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.
28 And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.”
If you’re going to use scripture to back up your arguments at least do it properly.
Regards,
Nathan Campbell”
Other events that Westboro Baptist will be protesting in the near future include a Baseball game (God hates sport), and a Lady Gaga concert (God hates gender ambiguous costumed pop stars).
There schedule comes complete with this little parody of Hallelujah, perhaps Westboro’s attempt at contextualisation:
“Your God has seen what you have done. There’s nothing new beneath the sun. He’s sent a lying spirit down to fool you. We’ve seen your flags on your crumbling arch. Your filth is not a victory march. God hates your feasts and faithless Hallelujahs.”
On Gaga…
“Now what type of wicked hypocrites would we be if we did not warn this little false prophetess and all of her over-indulged sycophants that they are each one, individually heading straight to hell in a gender-confused, self-loathing, tone-deaf hand basket and that a gift from the God they hate?”
Thanks to my friend Mika for the tip.
So, with step one complete, you’ll have the best beans for the job. The next step in any preparation of coffee is turning the beans into coffee ready for your machine, pot, or plunger.
The fundamental principle of coffee preparation is reproducability. The one commandment of coffee making is though shalt control your variables. We’ll move on to aiming to consistently reproduce the same routine in the next step – but getting the grind is fundamental.
Grinding immediately before use will dramatically enhance your coffee. But not all grinders are created equal. There are two “families” of grinder – burr and blade. Blade grinders aren’t ideal. They’re slightly better than nothing. But unless you do exactly the same thing every time with the same number of beans at the same weight being bashed by the blade the same number of times, you’re not going to get consistency. You’ll never get uniform sized particles and you’ll probably overheat the coffee particles due to friction. If you grind too fine you’ll overwhelm yourself with coffee that has too much oil and is too bitter.
They are a good stepping stone to improving your coffee at home – and if you want to start off with a blade grinder here are some tips:
Burr grinders are more expensive. But with reason. They are more mechanically complex and they produce a better result. The burrs lock together like cogs crushing the coffee into evenly sized particles. You can control the size of the particles by moving the burrs closer or further apart. You need a different sized particle for every machine and for every different brewing method (extra-fine for Turkish, fine for espresso, medium for drip filter and large for plunger).
Tips for choosing a burr grinder
A good guide to burr grinders available in Australia can be found here.
Scent branding is taken to a whole new level with this billboard advertising a steakhouse – during peak hour it pumps the smell of delicious steak into the streets…
Coffee was discovered almost by accident, when a young African goat herder noticed his goats’ increased energy after they had chowed down on some funny looking berries. After much experimenting and many years of experimenting, turning the seeds of these berries into a drink became the preferred method of consumption.
Good coffee at home is just five easy steps away from reality. If you’ve wondered what the difference between the coffee you get in your favourite cafe and the stuff you produce at home is, and why yours doesn’t taste the same, then there are some simple factors that can go a long way towards making your coffee dreams a reality.
Good coffee is a science – but an accessible science. All coffee, be it espresso based, plunger (or French Press), pour-over, brewed, filtered… you name the method… is a matter of combining coffee oils with water. The factors involved in the taste at the end are many and varied – but the most important factor in determining whether a cup of coffee tastes good is the beans. If you put rubbish coffee into the process it doesn’t matter how rigorously you apply the science of coffee. You’ll end up with rubbish in the cup.
There are a lot of factors in the humble bean that will effect the taste of the final product. The ultimate goal is to find a bean flavour you like, and to stick with it (or know how changing the different variables will change the end result). The golden rule when it comes to coffee, and the one that you’ll want to keep no matter your preference for taste, is freshness. Freshly roasted beans, freshly ground. Coffee preparation is chemistry. If beans are not consumed within three weeks of roasting then most of the flavour has essentially evaporated (the beans become stale). If they’re not consumed within three minutes of grinding then most of the oils on the surface of your ground particles of coffee will have reacted to the air around them. You want to maximise the contact of coffee oils with water during the preparation process in order to bring the most flavour out of your beans.
Coffee tasters primarily talk about the taste of coffee in terms of flavour, acidity and body (how robust the flavour is, the consistency of a shot of coffee from watery to oily). In a shot of espresso the oils can separate from the rest of the shot to form a coloured layer called crema. This is full of acidy oil and unpleasant to taste by itself, but it also adds significantly to the body.
Here are the variables in the beans, and the steps you can take to maximise your enjoyment.
Freshly Roasted
Unless you’re prepared to roast your own beans at home (more on that later) you have to put your trust in a roasting company at this point. The key to a great cup of coffee is using your beans between about three days and three weeks of roasting (most coffee rules involve the number three). This rules out most coffee beans sold in supermarkets, and even most beans sold by chain cafes (like Gloria Jeans).
Here are some tips for getting freshly roasted coffee:
Freshly Ground
Getting the grind right is essential for good coffee (it’s step two in our five steps). But if you’re not sure about grinding your own beans, the sooner you can get the coffee from the grinder to your cup the better. A good rule of thumb for coffee preparation is that you should spend more money on a grinder than a machine. We’ll cover grinding in more depth as we go – but you’ll get better coffee from a $20 stove top and $150 dollar grinder than from a $20 herb/coffee grinder and $150 machine. You’ll get better coffee from a $20 herb grinder than from a bag of pre-ground vacuum sealed beans off the supermarket shelf, and possibly marginally better coffee this way than if you buy small batches pre-ground from a specialty coffee shop.
Tips:
Roast profile
Unless you’re roasting your own beans this is one of those things you don’t have any control over – and can’t possibly know for sure. Good roasters moderate the heat being applied to beans at every stage in a roast. Temperature control throughout the roast effects the even distribution of heat to the batch of beans and within the bean itself. Good roasters get the most out of their beans by considering the chemical reaction that occurs within a bean during a roast.
The visible signs of the “roast profile,” and the best way to characterise the roast as an end user, comes from how dark the beans are. Generally speaking, the darker the roast the stronger the coffee. As beans roast their composition changes somewhat – the coffee oils move to the surface of the beans as they get darker (they also get shinier as they darken). It’s a bit like chocolate – the lighter the beans, the sweeter they are, the darker they are the more bitter/strong the flavour is. Light roasts also maintain the individual characteristics of different beans (we’ll get to “origin” in a moment).
Most roasters use the “roast profile” to modify the strength of both the caffeine hit from a coffee and its flavour. When a roaster says a coffee is strong they probably mean dark too. Figure out what you like. This is ultimately a matter of preference.
Freshness of green beans
Green bean freshness isn’t as important as the freshness of roasted beans. Green beans can be stored for a few years before roasting. But there is some evidence to suggest that coffees roasted sooner are a big “brighter” or zestier, while they become more mellow and earthy with age. These effects can also be created by using beans from different origins.
Storage
Keeping air away from beans is important. Vacuum sealed, or air tight containers are the best way to keep beans fresh. A simple zip lock bag with a one-way valve is fine. This valve is especially important for very freshly roasted coffee which is releasing gas as it stablilises. A sealed bag of coffee that puffs up between uses is a sure sign that beans are fresh. Drinking beans while they haven’t properly degassed results in a slightly effervescent (and unpleasant) cup.
Many roasters refrigerate their beans and advocate keeping beans in the fridge or freezer – this is on the whole a bad idea. If you do choose to refrigerate your beans it is important to allow them to come back to room temperature before grinding. Cold beans often become moist as they return to air temperature. This moisture is bad.
Blend/origin
The difference in flavour between coffee beans roasted with the same profile is determined by the conditions in which the beans are grown and prepared for roasting. There are heaps of variables in this process like soil acidity, the altitude the coffee is grown at, and how the coffee fruit is dried and stripped from the seeds (which become our beans…). Different origins have different properties which can be appreciated individually as “single origin” coffees or combined to form balanced blends making the most of different varieties. Professional coffee tasters use this tasting wheel to describe the characteristics of varieties of coffee based on taste and smell. Some people think this is a bit like wine tasting or selling snake oil – but it is helpful to characterise coffees based on levels of acidity and sweetness.
Image source: whole latte love
The first step towards better coffee is coming to terms with these factors and deciding what it is that you like in your mug. Once you know what you prefer you can begin to pursue that taste in every cup. And at that point it’s time to move on to steps two to five.
This Saturday night our church is hosting a coffee night with myself and former Di Bella Coffee Roaster Daniel Russell. Here’s the flier. You’re more than welcome to come along – RSVP in the comments.
I’m about to post five posts in a series “five steps to better coffee” which will become the booklet we give out on the night (hopefully). I’ll also do a bit of a dummies guide to home roasting.
If your church (in Brisbane) would like to run a similar night – let me know. I’m sure Dan and I can be talked into helping out…