Hilarity ensues

I know I said at the end of my last post that I’d be posting my forecasts for the year to come in “tomorrow’s” post. Clearly I was referring to tomorrow as an abstract concept… It won’t be in today’s post either – I’m about to go to bed ahead of a very early morning trip to Cairns to drive some Japanese tourism VIPS to Townsville.

As I was making sure I had my head around directions and stuff once I get to Cairns and pick up my hire car I stopped in to check my email only to discover that the site You Have Bad Taste In Music has a new video up where the host with the curiously reversable name “Eman Laerton” has confronted John Mayer fans with a game of teakettle – a truly wonderful celebration of the homophone. Here’s a Youtube example of his previous work…

After a previous post Eman Laerton promised to launch stage 2 of his master plan to capitalise on the emergence of convergence – the use of the internet as a source of media content – the John Mayer effort contains a sneak peak of stage 2 – Church Across America – and while I’m not prepared to endorse the content (because I haven’t seen it yet), it may be worth a look when it goes live.

I also caught a particularly funny television show – Balls of Steel – on the Comedy Channel the other day… The Annoying Devil has to be the funniest character on television… there’s a slight language warning on this one, and my favourite bit is about 4 minutes in…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmJhK3pu_1Y]

March 18, 2007

One year on

Today is the first anniversary of my first post and obviously it has been a particularly interesting year for me. Today marks a year since my second last day in Brisbane – so as of tomorrow I’ll have been a Townsville resident for a whole year. As this is a celebratory post of some kind I’ll use it to reflect on my year and give general feedback on all the goings on… kind of like a report card. I’ll compare my expectations with the delivery – this all feels like some sort of psyhcometric analysis or something. I read a story lately about a business lecturer who is worried about the corporate trend to incorporate such testing in their recruitment strategies. He gives his students a psych test and then hands them a printed results page which 95% of students agree identifies key personality traits – then he tells them they’ve all got the same photocopied sheet.

Reflections and Forecasts
At the end of the year I put out a series of media releases for each division of our business with reflections and forecasts – basically a list of our successes from the previous year and a prediction of future successes – I haven’t gone back to see how our reflections matched my predecessor’s forecasts but I’ll do that with my forecasts from last year’s post:

“So here you have my thoughts on my impending departure: I am simultaneously
excited and nervous (I’m not sure what the adjectival form of the word
trepidation is but I would have used it there, maybe trepidated?)”

I’d say that while I was a little nervous about my relocation last year posts from the last couple of weeks probably suggest that I’m fairly settled up here. And I am. While I do miss friends, family, chuch, outdoor soccer and I’m sure there are other things – they have mostly been more than adequately replaced with new friends, indoor soccer (we’re back to back A-Grade mixed champions), work, and Robyn. Who is the obvious success story of my year.

“I’m really looking forward to starting my new job with Townsville Enterprise, who you can find here.”

Boy was I right on this count. I really enjoy my job. Townsville Enterprise is a diverse organisation representing a diverse region. Townsville is a great city – I may be paid to say that, and I am a bit of a mercenary when it comes to my loyalty in these matters – but it’s easy to sell and I truly enjoy the stuff I get to do for work (helicopter flights, sailing trips, island holidays and lots and lots of food).


“I’m looking forward to meeting new people. I just didn’t think it would be
that hard to say goodbye to old people but on the upside it’s not like I’m dying
and there’s always me in blog form if you miss me too much.”


I have met new and fun people through church, work and various networks of people. And I certainly do exist in blog form. In a year I’ve managed 149 posts – that’s one every 2.4 days and more than 82,000 words filled with ranting, ruminations, stupid theories and updates on my life. That’s about the equivalent of 2 Mills and Boons novels and probably every bit as valuable.

Here’s a bit of gratuitous bragging in list form to summarise the “year that’s been”…

1. Relocated 1465km (by road – but I flew) to Townsville
2. Met Robyn, convinced Robyn I was a nice guy, proposed to Robyn, became engaged to Robyn
3. Generated $35 million of positive media coverage for Townsville – my original target was $20 million.
4. Had a full page story printed in the Financial Review with a byline
5. Broke a story that made the front page of the Courier Mail, scored 5 minutes coverage on Hamish and Andy and went international… about “cat poo” coffee.
6. Consumed an estimated 30 steaks “on the job”
7. Won back-to-back Mixed A-Grade indoor soccer titles
8. Went deep sea fishing on the Great Barrier Reef, flying in a helicopter, sailing on a schooner, holidaying on the island the XXXX ads are screened on, ate crocodile and other fancy things at a $200 gala dinner, stared down a Japanese tourist suffering dope fuelled psychosis and drank a $50 cat poo coffee – all in the name of “work”
9. Set up Donna and Aaron (I’m actually very proud of that).
10. Kept a pet fish alive for a whole year (almost – actually I inherited the fish from Cam Bell, we killed two crayfish – indirectly – the fish actually is mostly responsible for the demise of the second cray) in a tank bought at a garage sale on an early Townsville adventure – along with the Bob Hawke head drink dispenser which now sits proudly on my desk at home. I also killed an echidna…

Forecasts will follow in tomorrow’s post.

March 16, 2007

The Silly Season

Traditionally the “silly season” has been a term loosely applied to the period of time at the end of the year when contract deals are struck and players throw the good ol’ fashion concept of loyalty out the window as they shop and shill their wares to the highest bidder. The silly season extended well into the early weeks of this year with the Steve Turner saga dragging on until everyone was well and truly sick of it – and just when you thought the lowest depths had been plumbed, a story like this one emerges to remind you just how trivial sport can be. That’s right – South Sydney aren’t letting go of Mr Adam MacDougall until he returns a gift to owner Russell Crowe – did Rusty lend him a multimillion dollar condo? a car worth six figures? a poem? No – he gave him a small silver bunny worth $2000 – and he wants it back, or a player he basically sacked won’t be allowed to take the field for his new club.

March 15, 2007

Footy tipping tips for people who have no interest in the game

Some would say that speaking without thinking is fraught with danger – not so, says I. Footy tipping on instinct is a sure fire way to the top of the office tipping charts – but which instincts do we trust – and where do we turn a blind eye?

In my day to day conversations with people from all walks of life – be it the traditional office “water cooler” conversation, or random eavesdropping via discretely planted listening devices I’ve discovered a shared concern regarding footy tipping protocol and how to “back a winner” – While I have a proven track record as a failed tipper – more inclined to tip with heart than head, I am a trained observer and have kept records of a number of successful oddball methods guaranteed to spice up your weekly efforts.

The Inter-Mascot Blood Bath

Method One is the much maligned but highly successful strategy of imagining each match as a death match between mascots. This approach has anecdotal supporting evidence (some would say circumstantial) when it comes to the plight of the aptly inept South Sydney Rabbitohs. (A bunny of course is unlikely to experience success against anything but the most out of comfort opponent, unfortunately the Canberra Carrots missed out to the much more intimidating Raiders.

What must be considered at this point is the “home field” advantage – a Shark (Cronulla) does not enjoy the biological advantage over a tiger (West Tigers) on land that it would in an aquatic setting, while in reversed circumstances the tables turn somewhat – this is a vital consideration when entering your tips. The Storm obviously have a natural advantage over all but the Titans (who enjoy some godlike control over the elements) – however some storms are less serious and deadly than others and certain teams enjoy natural protection (the Eels, Sharks and potentially the Knights – provided their armour is stainless steel – a must for modern chivalry. The electrical conductivity of stainless steel is an issue which would require a more scientific mind). Under this methodology “human” teams (Knights, Raiders, Cowboys, Warriors, Titans) have an advantage over most other teams at home – however will probably struggle when it comes to those who can attack unseen in their home territory (Dragons, Eels, Sharks, Panthers, Bulldogs, Tigers… potentially the Broncos – although stampedes are rare and rodeo related casualties are rarities these days). The Sea Eagles can attack from the air with sharp talons and beady eyed eagerness, but even the humble Bulldog could cause them great pain in confined spaces. The Rabbitohs and Roosters will be lucky to win a game – but that’s probably a fair reflection of reality.

So for Round 1:

The Storm should blow the Tigers away

The Broncos will buck the Cowboys in a bruiser

The Warriors will harpoon the Eels

The Sharks will snap the Panthers

The Sea Eagles will peck the eyes out of the Raiders

The Knights will cut the Bulldogs to pieces

The Dragons will roast the Titans

The Roosters and Rabbitohs will haplessly wander around until either the bunny develops Monty Pythonesque properties or the Roosters get their talons in…

Until next time – happy tipping.

March 15, 2007

Incontinence and death threats

During a recent trip south I discovered that my family no longer take the time to visit my blog because I don’t talk enough about myself. I’m trying to rectify this situation so this post will be all about life in Townsville.

I’ve now been engaged for a week – with a preliminary wedding date set for September, I calculate I have about 27.5 weeks left of being engaged so I plan to enjoy it while it lasts – I plan to only ever be engaged once so it’s a very small window to enjoy such a unique position. The announcement of my engagement hasn’t been well received in all circles – a seven year old student from Robyn’s school is so distraught at her engagement that he’s threatened to kill me – it turns out he was planning to marry her in quite a few years. If it comes down to a mono-a-mono knife fight or something I’m pretty confident I can take him so I’m not overly worried. Robyn tells me he’s a James Bond fan so he may know all sorts of spy moves – so I’m alert but not alarmed.

As a writer with an underlying perfectionist streak I know the frustration of sending documents with embarrasing typos – I occasionally notice incoherent syntax or poor grammar in my press releases after I send them, so it was with great pleasure that I received the following email the other day, followed by a recall attempt that came a little bit too late…

“Lyn also advises that we will only run a market with there is a potential
600-700 passengers. Apologies for the incontinence. I have forwarded
the information to CBD Promotions so they can let the traders
know.”


I thought that was very funny and it’s been a while since I included any toilet humour in my blog.

It’s also been a while since I posted any music reviews so I just want to give a plug for two CD’s I bought recently – Josh Pyke’s “Memories and Dust” is spectacular lyric driven harmonious guitar pop – it’s the first almost perfect album I’ve bought since Muse’s Absolution. I also picked up The Shins “Wincing the Night Away” which is another great album and well worth a listen. They are both heartilly endorsed by this writer.

I’ve just set up the Townsville Enterprise footy tipping comp for this year’s NRL competition – I’m looking forward to teaching my co-workers a thing or two about the might of the Manly Warringah Sea Eagles who I expect to do very well this season. There will be much gloating if I manage to reach the upper echelons amongst a group of die hard Cowboys supporters and apathetic pundits. I will be providing a weekly “expert” form guide to my colleagues which may even become a regular feature on this ‘ere blog.

March 14, 2007

The hows and whys of communication

Sometimes I start writing these blog entries with no actual idea what I’m going to write about… I find it makes for an interesting writing experience – that’s not necessarily duplicated for the reader. Today I thought I’d share a little bit about “the writing process” – or at least, my writing process. This was a decision I made just then. And by just then I mean half way through writing the sentence “Today I thought I’d share…” I decided I’d write about the writing process. I often wonder how other people frame their thoughts – I frame mine as written text – or at least, as text that I would then be able to reproduce in written form. Sometimes as I’m framing these thoughts I rewrite them – but once they’re down on paper I find it very hard to express them in any other manner – this makes me a terrible editor of my own work (except for spelling or grammatical errors – then it’s only pride that gets in the way). There are a number of “stream of consciousness” artists out there – Darren Hanlon, The Streets and others who simply record their thoughts about a particular issue – I would define myself as a stream of consciousness writer – what you see and read is what I think. And how I think. I would say I have a fairly fluent internal monologue which means I’m able to get my thoughts onto paper in written form fairly quickly. I’ve explored the topic of how I think before – this is the applied version – so it’s not completely unoriginal. I’ve been told by some people that they think in numbers and others that they think in images. I think thinking about how people think is essential for good communication – be it in the media, in politics, in teaching or preaching – any communication needs to be focused at the audience at hand – this means a publication for a mixed readership will need to use different language to a specialised niche magazine – this may be obvious, but I think a lot of communicators have missed the point. Based on recent speeches and media interviews I’d say the left is cottoning on to the necessity of clear communication much faster than the right – K-Rudd , Paul Keating, and Barack Obama in the US have all put in sterling communication performances – they all have the ability to articulate a point without resorting to jargon. Since taking on the leadership K-Rudd has demonstrated an improvement in this area – check out this extract from an interview in 2002…

“We are not even to the first stage of UN Security Council resolution setting a deadline for the readmission of inspectors let alone a subsequent resolution, which would then make a determination about whether free and unfettered access had been given.And, furthermore, that article 42 of the council, collective action by the council, would have to be exhausted as well.”

Or this one from 2005:

“In the case of Annette Hurley, the person who has come into the Parliament from South Australia has enormous experience in the South Australian Parliament before coming to Canberra. It’s not as if this person arrives as some sort of neophyte with no experience at all.”

Rudd has to work hard not to isolate the electorate with his prim and proper vocab and it looks like his image consultants are working overtime.

The Coalition have had a few stumbles in the campaign to date with John Howard a notably dismal performer – their star has always been Peter Costello – a few viewings of parliamentary question time will demonstrate his capabilities as an orator – this interview is a classic example of his ability to simplify the complex – and his ability to retort and riposte in the face of the most vitriolic barbs.

At the end of the day – as Benny so clearly points out – while how you say things is important – it’s what you say that really counts…

“I dont like the way Rudd talks. I watch him on umm whats that abc show on at night at 10:30ish…Lateline? But yeh I dont like the way he talks at all. I have grown to hate the word “folly”. To me, yeh he talks smart and proper and all (i meant to sound hicklike then), but to me he almost seems to do it without conviction. To me he still hasnt reached far enough with setting and talking about policy.”

March 13, 2007

War of words

I have a confession – I’m a closet boxing fan. Not a fan of boxing within the confines of a closet – although I’d probably watch that – but a fan of the corrupt world of professional boxing. My love for all things pugilistic was inspired by the Power of One – the third most influential book I’ve read behind the Bible, and the Godfather (how I reconcile the influence of those three somewhat disparate books is a mystery even to me). I like boxing – the way the blood and sweat fly off a man’s face when a bruising right hook lands… it appeals to my inner caveman. So it is with great joy that I read today that two of my former league heroes – Solomon Haumono and John Hopoate, Manly’s Tongan bash brothers from the mid 90s – are considering a heavyweight clash of the titans. There’s something romantic about two lifelong friends (who celebrate Christmas together) jumping in the squared circle (ring) and trying to beat the daylights out of one another hoping to emerge as friends. That for me is what boxing is all about – that and the constant sledging, gambling, corruption, fixed bouts, flamboyant promoters, David and Goliath battles, and rags to riches “I trained in a shed with just a canvas bag dreaming of this day” storylines that go with boxing like things that go together really well (my similes today are suffering from an inability to form corroborative nouns).

If this bout does eventually go ahead my concerns are with the less syllablically endowed John Hopoate – largely due to a new theory I’m formulating linking boxing success with the number of syllables in a boxer’s name. Think about it – As Cassius Clay (4 syllables) Muhammad Ali (5 syllables) was a shadow of his future self. But the theory doesn’t stop there – I’m yet to conduct extensive research but my early studies show that the top 15 WBA Heavyweight boxers have an average of 5 syllables between them (First and Surname only – WBA Heavyweight champion Nikolai Vladimirovich Valuev would be unbeatable otherwise – the fact that he’s 7 feet tall and weighs 150kg is not a factor). Unless John Hopoate (5 syllables) starts billing himself as Jonathan Hopoate (7 syllables) he’s in trouble against Solomon Haumono (6 syllables). Here’s my WBA evidence…

World Title Holder – NICOLAY VALUEV – (Ni-col-ay Val-u-ev) – 6 syllables
1. RUSLAN CHAGAEV – (Rus-lan Cha-ga-ev) – 5 Syllables
2. RAY AUSTIN – 3 syllables
3. SULTAN IBRAGIMOV – (Sul-tan ib-ra-gi-mov) – 6 Syllables
4. SERGUEI LIAKHOVICH – (Ser-gui Li-ak-hov-ich) 6 syllables
5. DAVARYLL WILLIAMSON – (Dav-ar-yll Will-iam-son) 6 Syllables
6. JOHN RUIZ – 3 syllables
7. WLADIMIR VIRCHIS – (Wlad-i-mir Vir-chis) 5 Syllables
8. MIKE MOLLO 3 Syllables
9. HASIM RAHMAN 4 Syllables
10. TARAS BIDENKO – (Tar-as Bid-en-ko) 5 syllables
11. ALEXANDER DIMITRENKO – (Al-ex–an-der Di-mit-ren-ko) 8 Syllables
12. LAMON BREWSTER – 4 Syllables
13. KALI MEEHAN 4 Syllables
14. JEAN-FRANCOIS BERGERON (Jean Fran-cois Ber-ger-on) – 6 Syllables
15. EVANDER HOLYFIELD (E-van-der Ho-ly-field) 6 Syllables

The average number of syllables is 5 – the average for the top 5 boxers is 5.2 – pretty convincing evidence if you ask me – but you didn’t… Even fictional boxers have the edge over their lesser nominally endowed rivals – Rocky Balboa (5 syllables) fought the following – ignoring the Rocky Balboa comeback fight with Mason Dixon (4 syllables):

Spider Rico (4 Syllables)
Apollo Creed (4 Syllables)
Thunderlips (3 Syllables – Hulk Hogan – 3 syllables)
Clubber Lang (3 syllables)
Ivan Drago (4 syllables)
Tommy Gunn (3 syllables)

So there you have it – compelling evidence methinks… But remember – when a TV show tells you “don’t try this at home” they mean it.

March 9, 2007

Engaging in conversation

Readers rejoice – for one day only “Nathan in Townsville” is not a misnomer. I finally have something personally newsworthy to report. As of about 10pm last night I am officially “engaged to be married” – I proposed to my very wonderful and exceedingly beautiful girlfriend (now fiance) on the banks of the Ross River at Thuringowa’s Riverway. This was the spot where I’d asked Robyn out some seven months before. For those wanting all the gory details read on – for those who would rather read about wholesale police slaughter of deranged cows, read here – I rang Robyn’s dad on Tuesday to ask for his blessing and permission to marry his daughter, having secured that I set about planning the occasion. We’re going to my “home town” of Maclean this weekend and I had her vaguely suspecting that I’d be proposing there – she knew I had ordered a ring because she’d given me specific instructions on the type of ring she wanted. I was pretty keen to surprise her though so formulated a plan involving sleight of hand, distraction and all the other elements of pulling off a successful shock proposal. Before I called Robyn’s folks I’d asked her to find out which afternoons her dad would be free for a chat this week. Citing “things to do” I stayed at home on Tuesday afternoon and put in the most nerve wracking phone call of my life. She called that evening and told me that he’d be available for a chat any night this week. Last night we had dinner at her place for bible study, at about 9:30 I suggested we should go somewhere – we got in the car and headed off for an adventure – ending up on a wooden jetty at the new cultural precinct where I promptly bended the knee and popped the question – she said yes.

So that’s my news.

Tomorrow I’ll post my extensively researched theory on the link between success and the number of syllables in a boxer’s name… riveting stuff.

March 8, 2007

An Inconvenient Truth

K-Rudd has been caught with his proverbial pants down on Burkegate. This is an event clearly worthy of “gate” status. More details about MPs from both sides of the fence meeting with the shady former WA premier (and convicted felon) turned lobbyist will probably come to light this week and I’m tipping more casualties following the resignation of Ian Campbell. John Howard wants to make distinctions between ministers and MPs, and leaders and followers – which is fair enough to an extent, but there’s really no need to be meeting with someone like Burke. Lobbying is an interesting kettle of fish. It’s where politicians get their lurks and perks. Doctors get their fancy meals from pharmaceutical companies eager to secure future business – politicians get theirs from representatives of industries, interest groups and professional power brokers who are likewise eager to secure something for nothing (or for a meal – politicians are expected to sing for their supper). Benny reckons lobbying is an essential part of the democratic process –

“I love lobbying. i think its how things should work. lobbying and interest
groups should demonstrate the facts, views and opinions. the members of
parliament should act as mediators and decision makers. the MPs should take in
all the information to make rational and logical decisions. lobbying is part of
this process.”

I agree to an extent but I think professional lobbying probably circumvents the political process and ties up access to politicians from the run of the mill members of their electorate – the fact that my employers work as a lobby group backed by the collective might of our members from the North Queensland business community doesn’t bother me – but when you’ve got a disproportionate amount of funding (lobbying) poured into the exercise by an unpopular lobby group (say advocates for nuclear power) might have a disproportionate impact on the political process.

The political machinations behind Burkegate are fascinating – Ian Campbell’s decision to resign – or the decision for him to resign – was a masterful manoeuvre from Howard. Finding the moral high ground in the murky realm of politics will be an important step in the upcoming elections. If it’s going to be a “morals” debate the Coalition need to have their position on issues like AWB, the Iraq conflict and Hicks firmly entrenched on the “right” side (as opposed to wrong, rather than left) – Rudd probably has the advantage in terms of positioning because it’s much easier to criticise government than to govern. This scandal could go a long way towards undermining his integrity – but it could also burn the government if it comes out that more coalition MPs have met with Burke in the past.

It’s an interesting time in politics with the battle of who cares raging in New South Wales and Debnam resorting to physical comparisons with James Bond. The US race for preselection (it’s not even the real thing yet) is heating up with candidates from both major parties vying to outdo their own colleagues (with the amount of muck they spend throwing around within the parties it’s a wonder that any new stuff comes up in the actual campaign) – my early favourite Barack Obama is polling well and catching up to the “impossible to like even though she stood by her husband in America’s largest sex scandal” Hillary Clinton. The Democrats have the opportunity to make history with their leading candidates a female and an African American male – Joe says the Republicans should kill two birds with one stone by endorsing Condoleezza Rice.

In other news – I tried the spectacular “cat poo” coffee last week, I’m not sure I’d pay $50 a cup, but it’s an amazing brew, so smooth and sweet – without the standard bitter bite of a regular cuppa.

LarkNews – a good source for “Christian News” has been updated – my favourite story for this edition is the debate on whether the word “sucks” is appropriate for church – for those of you who have trouble differentiating between fact and fiction, please note that this is parody.

March 5, 2007

Once upon a time…

Fairy Tales and fantasies have been the staple fictional diet of children for many years. I caught the Brothers Grimm flick in one of my rare moments sitting in front of the TV without watching sport (including wrestling) the other day. The Brothers Grimm were a couple of oddball German professors who spent their time collecting and documenting folk tales and fairy stories for the amusement of the masses. The movie suggests the Grimms were always pursuing these tales in the hope of striking some truth – when in fact they were collecting stories for the entertainment of children.

It seems to me that Titanic director James Cameron is a modern day Grimm. Cameron who made his name directing the “true story” of a sinking ship is currently promoting his latest project – a documentary – on the discovery of the coffin of Jesus Christ. Fact and fiction are difficult to disentangle – particularly through the filters of history and science. Cameron was quick to jump on the Dan Brown bandwagon fueling speculation that Jesus had a family with Mary Magdalene based on fragments of the gnostic gospels.

In my discussions the other day on philosophy, religion and the meaning of life I argued with some intellectual atheists (which is almost a contradiction in terms – intellectually it’s much safer to be agnostic) that my faith hinges not on the science behind the bible but its historicity. There’s an old question meant to encourage liberal theological thought – “If the bones of Jesus were discovered – would this change your faith?” The politically correct answer to that question is “no” – the theologically correct answer is of course yes. The resurrection of Jesus is of fundamental importance to orthodox Christian belief. The Christian faith depends on its historical credentials. Authenticating “history” is an incredibly difficult task – we need to analyse what we read with archeological findings and historical context. The fact is, we really can’t be sure about what happened hundreds of years ago – let alone thousands. We weren’t there to see it, feel it, hear it, smell it, or touch it. Whenever we’re told of something that happened outside our “experience” it should be questioned, poked, prodded and examined. One of my favourite novelists, Robert Rankin wrote a book called the Witches of Chiswick about a powerful group of witches who decided to completely rewrite history at the turn of the 19th century. This idea is clearly fiction – or is it? We can’t afford to rule out every theory or every piece of documented history simply because we weren’t there. Context is king. When considering a claim it’s important to consider motives, underlying social factors… all these tests need to be applied not just to the bible but to every crackpot theory that comes up questioning its veracity. When it comes to the bible – the disciples and early leaders of the church were prepared to die pretty horrible deaths (not just your run of the mill death but you know, being burned alive or eaten by lions) for their beliefs – I’d like to see James Cameron put his money where his mouth is at this point. Neither Buddha or Muhammad – founders of two of the other “great” (numerically) religions of the world were forced to die for their convictions and nobody is out there in public questioning the historicity of their lives. It’s hard to find a genuinely accepted religion where the founder has received material benefit from their teaching (Scientologists and Mormons are no exceptions to this rule). So it strikes me that the assessment of the Israeli archaeologist who investigated the original discovery is probably worth listening to…

“It’s a beautiful story but without any proof whatsoever.”


Although I guess Christianity’s critics would say the same thing…

February 27, 2007

42

I’ve been having some particularly interesting philosophical discussions with friends coming from various camps within the atheistic, agnostic, nihilistic, existential hedonistic camps recently about the meaning of life the universe and everything… Arguing about religion and underlying philosophy can be mind numbing – and while I claim to have all the answers so do they – or they claim to have no questions anyway – a blog I occasionally read on the Sydney Morning Herald (occasionally because on most occasions I’m incredibly frustrated by the writer’s existential agnostic hedonism) has an interesting discussion today that’s worth a look – and perhaps a post or two…

February 23, 2007

Chain mail

Television tabloid journalism sank to an all new low this week – if that’s possible – with Today Tonight chaining a granny to her retirement home cupboard for the sake of a dramatic story. It’s a new low in a series of lows stretching for as long as the ratings war between Nine’s A Current Affair and Seven’s Today Tonight. It’s a battle for the hearts and minds of Australia’s gullible majority who rely on the program to keep informed and educated.

Tabloid programs traditionally rotate about seven stories – the neighbour from hell dispute, dodgy brothers traders being hunted down, consumer protection, how to save money (bargain hunting), shameless network cross promotion, dieting tips, and the emotionally charged plight of a disadvantaged entity who needs “your” help. There’s a Venn like overlap between the categories – but that’s the way they like it.

My friend Benny hates these shows, which regularly compete for story fodder (ala the tit-for-tat Corby drama from the last few weeks), blaming them for all manner of societal malaise. It’s been a bad year for Today Tonight who have managed to sully their already scurilous reputation with a number of well publiscised mishaps on and off camera.

Naomi Robson was at the heart of a number of controversies prior to her decision to hand the hosting duties on to anti chequebook journalism crusader Anna Coren.

The first famous mishap came when Naomi was caught swearing at her producer – the clip made its way to commercial radio and was widely circulated online – causing this apology…

Her horror year is documented here.

This story seems to be an all new low for any “current affairs” programming and the journalist in question should get the boot for being reprehensibly stupid.

Programs like this should not be allowed to wield the influence they do on public debate. They rate through the roof so there’s no real chance of the pin ever being pulled which is a tragedy for the country’s intellectual standards.

Speaking of intellectual standards… English Football demonstrated its capacity to churn out boorish louts incapable of human interaction – Craig Bellamy and John Arne Riise look to have been to the same school of ettiquette as Penrith’s newly appointed co-captain Craig Gower. Apparently Bellamy took to Riise’s legs with a golf club following his refusal to take part in a training camp karaoke competition. It seems that’s just what the doctor ordered with both players on the score sheet in their upset away win over Barcelona. The coach was apparently ready to give Bellamy the flick if he’d put in a sub-par performance – boom-boom-tish.

February 22, 2007

Just Cause

Activism is a funny thing. There are plenty of worthy causes out there to choose from – and I suspect they’re something people hold to with vehement passion. One such activist once told me that the dying pandas were of more inherent value than the child I sponsor – it takes a particular type of person to be that misdirected. I met a guy in the Queen Street Mall in Brisbane who argued passionately that the Australian dollar should be valued based on our gold stocks (this system), I signed his petition so I could read the “free” newspaper he was handing out describing the system – and he rang me about a year later seeking my support – a request I duly turned down. Joe has many causes he believes are worth fighting for – mostly the legacy of George W Bush.

In the last few weeks “pirate” anti-whaling ships have been hassling a sanctioned whale (cuisine) research vessel. I’m not anti-whaling – I think if you can manage to bring in a massive fish you deserve to be able to eat it as is your right in the food chain. During the initial stages of the piracy the Sea Shepherd organisation’s leader President Paul Watson said he’d be prepared to “die for these whales if need be.” And he tried – his pirate ships repeatedly rammed the first Japanese whaling tanker – the Kaiko Maru causing the ship to put out a distress signal and cutting short its valuable “scientific” mission. What made Mr Watson wake up one day and decide to save the whales? Did he read Moby Dick at a particularly influential time in his life? Did he have a bad experience giving a past flame some perfume? What is it that makes people take on a cause with such do or die enthusiasm. Maybe he saw this video…

There is something refreshing about the idealism of these sometimes misguided activists. But really there are just so many causes out there to fight for – the whales, a trial for Australian terrorist David Hicks (ala Dick Smith), climate change, the future of the Liberal Party… there are things that need saving on every corner. How do you split such worthy causes? Is it just a matter of finding a subject that makes your blood boil? Or makes your heart sing? Some time ago Phil and myself offered our services as mercenary protesters (I actually suspect the term “freelance” writing is derived from such a concept). I’m looking to go one better – suggest a topic and I’ll get active for an appropriately proportional amount of my time.

There are some people out there who have chosen to take on the cause of scamming the Nigerian scammers – a story in today’s SMH caught my attention – you can read about it here, or just watch the video below…

I’m not at work today – Robyn had a nasty fall on the indoor soccer field last night and I’m helping her with the first part of the rehabilitation process having sat through a few hours with my intoxicated indigenous friends in the casualty ward of the local hospital. That’s the last time I let her play soccer – she’s thrilled that her swollen ankle now looks just like one of my cankles.

February 20, 2007

Censored

Apparently some students from Washington State University were less than happy having their accidental emails to yours truly posted online. Something about privacy issues, stalkers and the like. I’d post the email I received from the student, and the lecturer – but they would probably feel violated. I have removed names and student numbers from the original post. I don’t like censorship – I’m a freedom of speech advocate myself. Did you know that Australia has no constitutionally enshrined “freedom of speech” we’ve just stolen the concept from the US. Interesting stuff really – censorship can be a necessary evil, obviously certain sections of society need to be restricted from accessing particular content. A lot of Christians are pro-censorship when it comes to areas like the arts without really thinking through the issue – what if one day censorship swung around and tried to restrict religious discussion (ala the “Catch the Fire Ministries” court case on religious vilification) – we can’t have our proverbial cake and eat it too at that point – you’re either with free speech or you’re against free speech.

One person who probably should be censored is Joe. His blog is a fine example of that which we should be seeking to keep out of the hands of innocents. There are probably a number of things that really should be censored like Channel 7’s Sunrise program which last week ran an obviously fake photo of the Strand in Townsville under flood water believing it to be real. I emailed them several times seeking a retraction on behalf of Townsville’s tourism industry and they ignored me. Channel Nine ran the Sunrise story in their news bulletin last night after we got Tourism Queensland to put out a statement about the photoshopped picture. Funny stuff.

I was going to write about political activism and piracy (the nautical kind) but I’ll leave that until this afternoon or something.

February 15, 2007

The final installment

Well readers, I’m sure you’re as sick of reading about my correspondence with Edward NKanga as I am. So I decided to bring this situation to a close. I was listening to a bit of Gomez when inspiration struck. I’d get myself arrested. I created a new gmail account – Officer Max Power can be contacted at corruptioninvestigation@gmail.com. In the meantime I received the following email from Edward, and further instruction from the banker, Mr Thomas Wood.

Dear Tobias,

Thank you very much for your mail.I am very pleased
that you have taken step in the right direction regarding the inheritance
claim.

Thank you very much for the compliment on my family and i
pray that we get to come together and share a very mutual relationship in the
near furture.

Regarding the accept of the bankers,i do not see any
reason for you to worry.I have already told you previously that all modalities
are already in place.My good friend i want you to try as much as possible to
adhere to all instruction given to you by the bank.

Remain
blessed,
Edward Nkanga

The bank apparently requires me to supply the following information to support my claim – does anyone have a spare $US5500 handy?

Requirement for an account activation.
1,Copy of ID or
passport.
2,An amount of US$5,500 for activation.
3,Transfer appraisal
form. Find attached.

Kindly fill attached form and forward to
us. Thus, you are officially advised to effect the transfer of the account
activation charges of US$5,500.00 only, directly to the Transfer Director’s
Account Officer. The payment will be forwarded to you upon your response.

Apparently for just a low, low fee of $5,500 I could have been a multi-multi-billionaire. But it was too late – my time as a corporate fugitive was coming to an end. Tobias was in trouble. I sent this email to the banker:

I have to cancel this transaction – the authorities are on to me – I will be fleeing to the Bahamas – I’ll advise you of any forwarding address. Please help me by destroying all records of correspondence with me.

Yours
faithfully,

Tobias.

And this email to my good friend Edward:

I have to cancel this transaction – the authorities are on to me – I will be fleeing to the Bahamas – I’ll advise you of any forwarding address. Please help me by destroying all records of correspondence with me. I am in desperate need of this help – I fear I may have to turn to violence to solve this problem and trust that you would be prepared to harbour me until this all blows over.

I have received an anonymous tip off that the Australian Fraud Squad have tracked my emails and are presently preparing for my address – pray that I will escape their clutches. I trust that you will find a suitable way to continue with this transaction in my absence.
I suspect that Mr Wood was not all he seemed to be and he may in fact have provided my name to the authorities. I am deeply angered at him and my vengeance will be swift and sure – I have already started tracking his address through IP tracking technology and he can expect to feel the full extent of my wrath in the near future – I hope his untimely demise does not adversely affect your ability to do business with the bank. My private army the Raging Daschunds will tear the still beating organs from his body and smite him with all the vengeance of a school of Piranesi dancing fish. We will not be mocked.

My warm regards to your beautiful family. I am sorry that we never had the chance to meet in person.

Yours faithfully,

Tobias.

Then Max Power stepped in with this email to both parties.

To Whom It May Concern,

We wish to inform you of the arrest of one of your correspondents a Mr Tobias Walther Schranner for the crime of Internet Fraud. Mr Schranner has been charged for launching and participating in several online transactions of a dubious nature. We have every reason to believe that he was intending to lure you into such a deal using the Queensland Scam – a mutation of the famous Nigerian Scam email fraud.
Mr Schranner lures unsuspecting business people into trusting relationships before stealing vital personal information. He has been known to extort or murder his victims in the pursuit of personal wealth. He has vast resources and a personal army of dubious characters at his disposal. We believe he continues to pose a risk to your person even while under guard. Please take all measures necessary to
protect yourselves and stay safe.
If you have had any correspondence with this hardened criminal could you please forward it to this account for monitoring. We believe we have intervened at a crucial time for your safety and warn you to comply to our requests or risk prosecution.

The penalties involved with this particular scam involve the revokation of the licence to practice business and we expect that this Mr Schranner will be prevented from operating further fraud in the future. If we can find the required proof the prosecution are expected to seek capital punishment. Our capital city is Canberra and its prison is legendary in its harsh treatment of white collar criminals.

Thank you for
your cooperation

Max Power,
Special Agent,
Anti-Corruption Squad,
Internet Security Branch 74
Coonabarabran,
Australia

February 13, 2007