crime

Self fulfilling business strategy

I’ve often thought that the ideal business “strategy” (though highly illegal) would be buying the only panel beating workshop in a small town and paying a could of delinquents to go on a latenight rampage with baseball bats, or even getting somebody in the town’s transport department to keep issuing grannies their drivers license.

But I’ve got nothing on this Brazillian TV host, and former cop, whose crime show was lacking interesting murders. The solution is not to delve into the historical archives, or to cover the myriad kidnappings and violent crimes throughout South America… no. The answer is to start hiring hit men and then sending camera crews along to the scene.

He got caught because his crews kept arriving before the police. Brilliant idiot. He made the news in Australia because he just died in hospital while awaiting trial.

How to mug somebody

If you’re an aspiring criminal looking to move into the world of person to person transactions then learn from this guy. Mugging is a two step process.

  1. Check for Ninja Schools
  2. If no Ninja schools can be found (which is likely, they’re probably invisible) don’t do it. Just in case.

The coolest thing about this story is that it happened in Australia.

The [three] thieves were assaulting a German medical exchange student in Sydney, but the alleyway where they struck was next to a school for ninja warriors.

One of the pupils raised the alarm after noticing the attack…

“We just ran outside and started running at them, yelling and everything,” said ninja master Kaylan Soto who instructed his students to take action.

“These guys have turned around and seen five ninjas in black ninja uniforms running towards them. They just bolted.”

Fake ID

Rules for public Christianity 101 – If you’re going to put a stupid Jesus fish on your car – don’t put it under a massive advertisement for your fake ID business.

Want faith with that?
Want faith with that?

Clearly the guy behind this business isn’t the smartest cookie in the Cookie Man store (mmm cookie man, incidently Townsville has a combined Cookie Man and Baskin-Robbins the two nicest smelling franchises in the world)… anyway. If you’re going to have a Jesus fish on your car:

  1. Don’t advertise an illegal enterprise.
  2. Don’t swear when a light turns red (in case of lip readers).
  3. Don’t speed.
  4. Don’t partake in road rage.
  5. Don’t tailgate.
  6. Don’t honk your horn.
  7. Don’t extend your middle finger in another driver’s direction.
  8. Don’t talk on your mobile phone.
  9. Don’t cut in front of anyone.
  10. Make sure you give way to pedestrians, let other people in at busy intersections, and let people change lanes when they’re indicating.

These are all reasons not for me to put a stupid Jesus fish sticker on my car. And probably for you not to put one on yours. Here are some reasons you shouldn’t have a Jesus Fish on your car from urban dictionary. If you want people to know you’re a Christian – tell them the gospel. Or wear a good novelty T-Shirt.

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