I can not believe that there are more than five people in the world who are part of this creepy and crazy movement.
But here you go.
This guy has a mo-hawk.
This guy has a goatee.
Both are completely bonkers.
Archives For heresy
This kid is going to grow up to be a racist Third Eagle of the Apocalypse. The puppet only gets a say about 3 minutes in.
He’s a junior KKK member. No kidding.
Why do these preachers always sound like they’re hyperventilating?
Via Christian Nightmares.
Ok. I’m glad the Wine Barrel guy from Brisbane doesn’t have a monopoly on crazy.
“We have the most revelation of any generation that has walked the planet.”
I can take this “revelation” and leave it… but thanks.
Oh. This explains it.
So, the title of this video on YouTube promises so much, and delivers so little. It ends up being a guy using a Poker motiff and standing in a bar, singing about Jesus while wearing an awful shirt and doing bad Country Music style dancing.
Though, the country style dancing is not as bad as this country style dancing…
And I know what you’re thinking – these videos have been stripped from their original context, where it was probably ok to be dancing like a cowboy and singing about Jesus.
Well, I ask you, were these eyebrows ever ok, in context? The words are ok – but this is a Television commercial for Christianity, and that sort of facial expression has always been synonymous with “crazy”…
At the very least, he didn’t forget the words.
But what you guys really need to inspire you is a Christian boy band (as in kids – as in something like Hanson, but not)…
This is what happens when they grow up. They become a “Christian Crunk Rock Band”… called Family Force Five.
Maybe they didn’t get enough Psalty the Psinging Psalmbook, and his rhythmic dog Blooper.
Maybe we all need some Kerney Thomas, whose seemlessly redubbed televangelist programs are something to rival the Wine Barrel Church in heresy that makes you unsure whether to laugh or cry.
What do you get if you combine backwards masking and the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse?
Hidden satanic messages.
In other news, The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse sent me his book (I asked for it on YouTube). He didn’t personally sign it. But he did touch it. If I can be bothered.
Moving right along, like a comedian whose last joke bombed badly, we’re getting towards the final stages of the “Patristic Period” (which covers roughly 100 A.D to 451 A.D, ending at the council of Chalcedon)… these councils all seem to have to decide the same thing over and over again, first against Arianism, and then against Nestorianism and Eutychianism.
Quick guide to fifth century heresies:
Arianism: Different substance, Jesus is creation, not same as creator.
Apollinarianism: Splits Jesus into divine (mind) and human (body)
Nestorianism: Mary bore Christ not God, different substances. Jesus became God (he was two persons in a moral union.
Donatism: Anything touched by somebody touched by a heretic is tainted. Purity at all costs. Your baptism, and salvation, are ruined by a heretic who transmits his heresy.
Pelagianism: No inherited sin, or original sin, or indeed sinful nature. Works can get you to heaven.
Eutychianism: Christ has one unique nature. Not human. Not god.
Quick Guide to the Councils:
325: Nicea – Against Arianism, Athanasius refutes Arianism, vote is hugely in favour, comes up with the Apostle’s Creed – which bears similarities to creedal confessions from 1 Corinthians 15, through the writings of the early church. Takes two months. Decides Jesus is fully human. Fully god. Of like substance.
381: Council of Constantinople – Jesus Christ is truly human. Just like us. Apollinarianism is refuted by the Cappuccino Brotherhood (Cappuccinos actually get their names from the hoods of monks).
393: Council of Hippo – Affirms Athanasius’ definition of the canon, provides criterion for adopting the books.
431: Council of Ephesus – Jesus Christ is one person, contrary to Nestorianism, which held that Christ was two persons, one divine and one human
449: The “Robber Synod” – Declares Christ has only one nature (Eutychianism).
451 Council of Chalcedon: – Response to Robber Synod, decides that “Jesus Christ is “two natures, the Divine of the same substance as the Father (against Arianism), the human of the same substance as us, which are united unconfusedly, unchangeably, indivisibly, inseparably…”
Here’s how the period plays out in timeline form:
325 Council of Nicea
328 Athanasius is bishop Alexandria
329 Basil the Great of Cappadocia is born, he promotes communal monasticism that serves the poor, sick, and needy.
330 Constantinople founded
335 Martin of Tours, a monk who is famous for his compassion for the poor is born.
337 Constantine’s baptism and death
339 Ambrose, a significant figure in the church whose powerful rhetoric converted Augustine, is born, his approach to OT exegesis was closely mirrored by Augustine, anything that wasn’t pure moral instruction he allegorised, looking for a mystical meaning. Follows Origen lots, and borrows allegory from Philo. Fought against Arianism.
340 Ulfias, a German dude, converts to Arian Christianity and ends up converting most of the Germanic tribes.
345 Chrysostom is born, the father of historical and grammatical exegesis (the good stuff) starts a movement away from allegorical interpretations that had been popular since Clement of Alexandria.
347 Jerome is born, Augustine’s interlocutor, and a massive brain who translates the Old Testament out of Hebrew into Latin, producing the Vulgate.
353 Constantius’ pro-Arian policy boots Athanasius out of Alexandria
354 Augustine is born, Augustine. The world’s first blogger. A prolific writer about church, state, doctrine, education, music… you name it, he wrote about it. Had an interesting, and slightly munted, view of the transmission of sin, and a predilection for bizzaro allegory in interpreting the Old Testament. Otherwise a brilliant thinker who should still be read today.
361 Julian the Apostate gains control, converts to Paganism. Rules for two years, gives the Donatists a chance to return to Rome (causing later headaches for Augustine)
367 Athanasius defines New Testament, naming the 66 books of the Bible in a letter.
370 Basil becomes bishop of Caesarea
378 Battle of Adrianople
379 Theodosius becomes emperor, makes Christianity the official state religion.
381 Council of Constantinople: Basil, Greg and Greg take down the Arians. Again. The council deals with pretty much the same issues, concluding that Jesus Christ is truly human, contra Apollinarianism, which split Jesus into a human body and a divine mind. The Great Cappadocians are the inspiration behind the defeat of Arianism at this council. They are St. Basil the Great, St. Gregory of Nazianzus, and St. Gregory of Nyssa
382 A Roman Council affirms Athanasius’ definition of the canon.
385 Ambrose prevails
387 Augustine’s conversion
393 The Council of Hippo also recognises the canon, providing set criteria for recognition: a book had to be Apostolic, fit in with the other scriptures, and have been of fruitful use throughout the church up to that time
395 Augustine becomes bishop of Hippo
397 A council of Carthage recognises the decision at Hippo. We have a Bible.
398 Chrysostom bishop of Constantinople
400 Nestorius, a heretic, dies. He said Mary was the bearer of Christ not God. He could not call a three month child God. So he said that Jesus Christ was two persons, whose only union was a moral one.
406 Jeromes completes the Vulgate
410 Fall of Rome
411 Augustine starts writing against Pelagianism. Pelagius rejected the idea of sin through Adam, original sin, and a sinful nature. Ruled out grace, suggested works was all that was required. Augustine gives birth to Calvinism, ahead of its time. God’s grace is necessary not only to be able to choose to obey God’s commands, but to be able to choose to turn to God initially for salvation.
418 Synod of Carthage: Makes Pelagius a heretic and his teachings an “anathema”
431 Council of Ephesus: Again, forced to rule on Christology. Jesus Christ is one person, contrary to Nestorianism, which held that Christ was two persons, one divine and one human
448 Leo draws on the work of Tertullian and Augustine to define Christology for the church, writes a tome to Flavian (dude in Constantinople)
449 The “Robber Synod”: Declares Christ has only one nature (Eutychianism). Tries to argue that Christ’s nature is unique. Harks back to docetism.
451 Council of Chalcedon: Affirms Leo’s tome, rejects Eutychianism, tosses out Nestorianism (again), decides that “Jesus Christ is “two natures, the Divine of the same substance as the Father (against Arianism), the human of the same substance as us (against Eutychianism), which are united unconfusedly, unchangeably, indivisibly, inseparably (against Nestorianism)”
455 Vandals sack Rome
476 Odoacer deposes last Roman emperor
I don’t want to present Robyn as an expert on heresy… but here’s her third guide to the heresies of the early church…
If you want a proper summary of Gnosticism I suggest you read this article from the online dictionary of philosophy, before reading the wikipedia entry, and then dismiss anything that isn’t also in the textbook.
Marcionism, the heresy coined by Marcion, holds the dubious honour of being the first heresy identified as such by the church proper. Here’s Robyn’s guide to Marcionism:
Marcion also tossed out the Jewish Scriptures and most of the New. He went with ten chapters of Luke (that he’d edited) and ten of Paul’s epistles.
Some people think Marcionism is similar to Gnosticisim. It really wasn’t. The Gnostics were all about their “secret knowledge” while Marcionism based knowledge on Marcion’s canon. Which prompted the creation of the actual canon.
Marcionisms view of Christ was “docetic” – it denied the humanity of Jesus (and thus denied the Demiurge’s role in the make up of Jesus (the Demiurge was what Marcion called the God of the Old Testament – who he thought existed, but was evil). The Gnostics believed in this Demiurge, but also believed that Jesus was fully human.
In his favour, at least according to Origen, he ruled out the allegorical interpretations favoured by guys like Clement and Augustine, who essentially had the same issues with the Old Testament picture of God (before they allegorised their worries away). Tertullian reckons he was open to allegorical interpretations that suited him.
A guy named Robert Price reckons Marcion was the first to collect Paul’s epistles. This is because Robert Price is an idiot who thinks that Luke, Timothy and Onesimus are fictional characters. And doesn’t think most of the books of the New Testament were written until the second century (if that’s the case you’ve got to wonder why there’s no mention of the destruction of the Temple in AD 70. And why Acts ends where it does. And why John’s letters claim to be written by an eyewitness to Jesus ministry. Yeah. They must have been lying and ignoring some really compelling fulfillment of Jesus’ prophecy about the future of the temple, and forgetting that first century philosophical biographies (which Luke-Acts appears to be similar in genre to) normally ended with, or recounted, the death of the person they were writing about.
Montanism was a new prophecy. A movement that the church eventually decided was heretical. It arose in about 160 A.D in Asia Minor. Tertullian eventually became the most famous Montanist.
Here are some facts about Montanism included in the picture above. See if you can match them.
- Montanus was a “prophet”
- He was accompanied by two prophetesses named Pricilla and Maximilla.
- Pricilla and Maximilla abandoned their husbands to take up this role. The Montanists didn’t think much of marriage.
- They claimed to prophecy directly under the Holy Spirit.
- They were greatly interested in the end times, and kept proclaiming that it was near.
- Pricilla and Maximilla were early feminists, promoting women in leadership.
- They put on public displays featuring displays of fervour, tongues and lots of noise.
- They wrote holy texts, which were circulated and included prophecies written in the first person.
- They paid their church leadership which directed funds away from the church.
- Quintilla was one of the early converts who became influential. She was obsessed about the end of the world.
- Some of their erroneous beliefs included the denigration of marriage, false teaching about the end times, misrepresentation of God in the trinity, and that the heavenly Jerusalem would be in Phrygia.
- They strongly advocated church discipline and believed people couldn’t come back after leaving the church, and they loved martyrdom.
Remember this guy from Wine Barrel Ministries:
Proof that the prosperity doctrine is pretty wacky. And attracts pretty wacky people. Here’s his female at home televangelist equivalent.
Is there a YouTube channel for Christians with tourettes?
Well. World War Three didn’t kick off last week, as predicted by the Third Eagle of The Apocalypse. AKA William Tapley, AKA The Co-Prophet of the End Times.
He explains (you’ve probably already seen this video on Simone’s blog):
I love the use of a ballpoint pen to help us chart where he’s up to in the text he’s reading. That’s production values right there… he advertises a book in each of his videos. I’ve sent him a message asking if I can get hold of a copy.
“As you know. SATAN CONTROLS THE NEWS MEDIA.”
They’re covering up a story of a bomb blast in Iran. Which prevented full scale war.
That’s possible, but I would argue that it’s more plausible that William Tapley is actually the beast from Revelation.1
Here is my reasoning. Were he one of the co-prophets of the end times you would expect him to be one of two witnesses mentioned in Revelation 11:3. If that were the case he would be prophesying for 1,260 days wearing sackcloth. I haven’t seen him wearing sackcloth in any of his end times prophecies. Therefore he is a false prophet. If he is not, then by saying this, I have bought myself a nasty date with fire:
5And if anyone would harm them, fire pours from their mouth and consumes their foes. If anyone would harm them, this is how he is doomed to be killed.
Also, it has been raining quite a bit during his days of prophesying.
6They have the power to shut the sky, that no rain may fall during the days of their prophesying, and they have power over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague, as often as they desire.
And flowing rivers feature quite prominently in his videos – yet none of them feature blood red water. Explain that Third Eagle!
More concerning is the possibility that he is actually the prostitute predicted in Revelation 17:
1Then one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the judgment of the great prostitute who is seated on many waters, 2 with whom the kings of the earth have committed sexual immorality, and with the wine of whose sexual immorality the dwellers on earth have become drunk.”
He is often seated by water (see the video above), and the water often looks different, and he does sound a bit like a drunk, jilted lover when he talks about politicians.
This conspiracy stuff is easy, and fun. You should also check out the comments on the Third Eagle’s videos. They are worrying and entertaining.
1 Please note, I don’t think this is very plausible at all.
Joel Osteen says bacon isn’t kocher for Christians… but turkey bacon is in…
It’s been a while since I managed to post a YouTube Tuesday video this early on a Tuesday. But please, take a moment to enjoy this end time prophecy/hymn/anti-Obama rant. It’s helpfully subtitled. In case you’re watching it in a library.
Via Mike on Facebook.
If you’re in the business of picking church slogans you don’t want to go cherry picking passages willy-nilly. The U.C.C is not famous for caring what the Bible actually says, so it could well be that they were aware that these words actually come from the mouth of Satan when he’s tempting Jesus in the desert.
The tagline reads “if thou therefore will worship me, all shall be thine – Luke 4:7″…
Luke 4:7 in context reads:
5The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world.6And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours.”
8Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’
I reckon verse eight is a better starting point.
Via Nathan Bingham.
