My stimulus payment has finally arrived. So I thought I’d express my thanks to K-Rudd via this open letter.

Dear K-Rudd,

Thank you for the very generous gift that arrived in my account today. I am not sure whether it is a “gracious” act – because I do work and pay taxes so it may be “deserved” – but it’s certainly a pleasant interaction with your government.

Many people are suggesting that this payment is a waste of money that should by rights belong to future generations – I disagree. What have those future generations done to deserve the payment? I think we should do more. Future generations should be doing more for us. We’re always told to look after the planet for them – and I notice that you’ve shelved the carbon pollution reduction scheme for another year. Good move.

Spending our kid’s inheritance is all the rage these days – if I was old and had children – I’d do it too. Kids of tomorrow don’t know how easy they’ll have it, and how hard things were for us. They’ll take everything for granted. Shackling them with debt will build resilience and be good for their character.

Here are some other ideas that will help us enslave future generations for our comfort.

  1. I need a new car, the car industry needs jobs – why not get everybody in Australia a new car, or perhaps significantly subsidise cars for us – I’m happy to pay a bit. I know you’ve got that deal with Toyota for green cars – but I don’t want one of them. I want a gas guzzler – how bout a V8 incentive. Future generations don’t really need petrol, by the time they’re around we’ll no doubt have gone nuclear.
  2. The first home buyer’s grant is a good idea, but all it does is drive prices up by $21,000. How bout we take into account the fact that future generations will no doubt spend even longer living at home and give every Australian a house. For free. It might be expensive, but it will create jobs for builders and tradesmen. They don’t have to be luxury houses – but they’ll need lots of bedrooms in order to store future generations.
  3. These future generations will no doubt want our jobs one day, and they’ll be pretty cut-throat and selfish if the current trends are anything to go by – this means my generation will be forced out of the workforce earlier than expected. Super isn’t really going to be worth much in the future – if current trends are anything to go by – so the government should pay us our future unemployment benefits in gold, now. That’s future thinking. And it will help provide jobs for the people who make gold ingots.

I’m sure there are some other great ideas for how the present generation can ride the back of the future generations – we’ve ridden on the sheep’s back for too long. The children are our future – and our present. They’re such a great asset, provided we use them right. I commend you for taking this bold step and giving me all this money.

My wife doesn’t really want to spend it – can you please contact her, you’ve no doubt got our address, we pay taxes – and tell her that spending the money is in the country’s best interest.

I take back all the mean stuff I’ve ever said about you. And I’m sorry I posted that video of you eating your earwax.


Nathan Campbell