Category: Christianity

Reasons for going to church: you (probably) won’t get AIDS

Seriously. What sort of answer was this (in about the tenth second)…

It must be hard to know what you stand for when your minister sounds like a fortune cookie (check that out on Challies), and can’t get the gospel right… on national TV.

Thou shalt not urinate sitting down

That’s right. If you’re a Christian man stand up and be counted… the urinal is the new circumcision…

Speaking of urinals… funny story. I was at the football a couple of weeks ago, and I had a beer. Football beer in plastic cups gives me the hiccups. Two beers consumed within the space of a game gives me the need to use the facilities. So I did. I took my place at the (incredibly efficient Suncorp Stadium) urinal and the guy next to me hiccuped. A millisecond later I hiccuped too. I hope he didn’t think I was mocking him. I’d hate for someone to turn around mid stream at a urinal thinking they had been mocked…

Oh, and if you’re a girl – don’t wear pants – it’s skirts and dresses only. That’s how it was in Biblical times.

Father Abraham had many sons (enough for a dance troupe)

This just should not have happened. Really. This is one of those songs not improved by choreographed dancing.

Swimming with the Spirit

This video makes me want to go to a Pentecostal church, just so that I can run around madly before somersaulting into the baptismal pool.

The future of church music

I don’t want to sound like a total Apple fanboy (I remember when I used to be an unfanboy) – but the iPhone is the future of music in church. Don’t believe me?

The real question is how emo “worship” leaders are going to manage procreation without a guitar to attract the ladies…

Interesting panel discussion on atheism

I’ve got a bunch of things to say about atheism in a later post. But you should watch this video, if you have 30 minutes…

Why I’m not Anglican (or Catholic)

It’s mostly the clothes. To be honest.

I don’t want to look like a Rubik’s cube.

Or a motherboard.

From Bad Vestments.

YouTube Tuesday: The Rock’n’Roll bonanza

Jacob Aranza was right.

Rock and Roll is for Klingons (who Jesus hates).

Even the Catholics are onto you back masking rock stars – I’ve always wondered why “another one bites the dust” made me want to start smoking marijuana:

Crystal ball gazing is going to get you into trouble…

But, Aranza was wrong. There is no such thing as “Christian rock”… this comes in eight parts (I’ve started this at the relevant bit, the background is that this guy is a prophet of true Christianity).


I think this guy also thinks coffee and failing businesses are Satan’s work.


The solution is to be less enthusiastic in our singing.

Understanding Christianese (from the atheist perspective)

This is simultaneously helpful and unhelpful. Given that we believe “I’ll pray for you” actually is a method for caring for people that particular critique is mostly unfounded (though “I’ll pray for you” with no offer of physical help does smack of hypocrisy).

What do you reckon? And are there other phrases we should reconsider?

Thou Shalt Not Kiss (until you are married)

I think that’s the 11th commandment. Don’t watch this on YouTube – the comment thread has been hijacked… although watching it here will give you a good understanding why that’s the case. It’s kind of creepy and emotionally manipulative at the same time…

This guy has it all sorted. (via Jesus Needs New PR – a pretty awesome blog)

Beating the “hell” out of your opponents

Every altar call should come in the squared circle…

Maybe the Pressies should start a federation called the WCF.

The wrestling for Jesus man says they save 10% of their crowd per event. Those are the people sprinkled with the blood and sweat of the wrestlers (but never immersed).

Just ask yourself – who would Jesus fight?

143 things you need to know about in order to teach the Bible

According to Acts 29, a minister should, amongst other qualities, be able to comprehend, and communicate effectively on these 119 issues.

1. Adoption
2. Ammillenialism
3. Angels
4. Apostle
5. Aseity
6. Baptism in the Holy Spirit
7. Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit
8. Body of Christ
9. Born Again
10. Canonicity
11. Common grace
12. Communicable and Incommunicable Attributes
13. Complementarian
14. Conversion
15. Cosmological Argument
16. Covenant
17. Covenant of Grace
18. Covenant of works
19. Covenant community
20. Credo Baptism
21. Deacon
22. Death
23. Decree of God
24. Definite Atonement
25. Demons
26. Dichotomy
27. Disciple
28. Doctrines of Grace
29. Ecclesiology
30. Effectual Calling
31. Egalitarian
32. Eisogesis
33. Ekklesia
34. Elder
35. Election
36. Eschatology
37. Excommunication
38. Exegesis
39. Exorcisms
40. Expiation
41. External Calling
42. Faith
43. Father
44. Final Judgment
45. Foreknowledge of God
46. Forensic Justification
47. Free will
48. General Revelation
49. Glorification
50. Heaven
51. Hell
52. Hematology
53. Hermeneutics
54. Holy Spirit
55. Humiliation of Christ
56. Hypostatic Union
57. Imago Dei
58. Imminent Return
59. Impeccability
60. Imputation of Sin
61. Incarnation
62. Incomprehensibility Of God
63. Inerrancy
64. Infallibility
65. Infinite
66. Intercession
67. Invisible Church
68. Keys of the Kingdom
69. Liberty
70. Limited Free will
71. Lord’s Supper
72. Lordship Salvation
73. Mediator
74. Millennium
75. Miracles
76. New heavens and new earth
77. Officer in the church
78. Omniscience
79. Ontological Argument
80. Original Sin
81. OT and NT Priest
82. Overseer
83. Paedo Baptism
84. Parousia
85. Particular Redemption
86. Penal Substitution
87. Pneumatology
88. Postmillenialism
89. Predestination
90. Premillenialism
91. Propitiation
92. Providence
93. Rapture
94. Reconciliation
95. Redemption
96. Regeneration
97. Regulatory principle
98. Religious Affections
99. Repentance
100. Reprobation
101. Resurrection
102. Sanctification
103. Satan
104. Second Coming
105. Son of God
106. Soteriology
107. Sovereignty
108. Special Revelation
109. Spiritual Body
110. T.U.L.I.P.
111. Teleological Argument
112. The Fall of Mankind
113. Theology proper
114. Total inability
115. Transcendence
116. Tribulation
117. Trinity
118. Virgin Birth
119. Worship

And be able to apply a scriptural argument on the following 24 issues:

1. Annihilationism
2. Antinomianism
3. Arianism
4. Arminianism
5. Consubstantiation
6. Deism
7. Dictation Theory
8. Dispensationalism
9. Doceticism
10. Dualism
11. Evolution
12. Fatalism
13. Feminism
14. Limbo
15. Monism
16. Pantheism
17. Pelagianism
18. Perfectionism
19. Purgatory
20. Soul Sleep
21. The Mass (Catholic)
22. Theistic Evolution
23. Transubstantiation
24. Universalism

This is why I think the Westminster Confession is a good thing. Somebody has done the hard work (mostly) for us.

So how do you score on those 143 items? How would Jesus score (based on his teaching in his time)?

Stupidity, and rumours of stupidity

I’m calling for a retranslation of Matthew 24:6. We’re living in strange times. With strange people. Here are some media stories about public Christianity that have grabbed my attention in the last few weeks.

A UK judge ruled that a Christian sex therapist could not refuse his services to a gay couple.

‘Law for the protection of a position held purely on religious grounds cannot therefore be justified. It is irrational, as preferring the subjective over the objective. But it is also divisive, capricious and arbitrary.’

‘We do not live in a society where all the people share uniform religious beliefs.

‘The precepts of any one religion – any belief system – cannot, by force of their religious origins, sound any louder in the general law than the precepts of any other.

‘If they did, those out in the cold would be less than citizens, and our constitution would be on the way to a theocracy, which is of necessity autocratic.’

‘The law of a theocracy is dictated without option to the people, not made by their judges and governments.

‘The individual conscience is free to accept such dictated law, but the State, if its people are to be free, has the burdensome duty of thinking for itself.”

I didn’t know the English had a consitutional right to sex therapy. Forcing people to act against their conscience in the interest of “freedom” seems pretty odd to me.

But England is pretty messed up, just days later a Christian street preacher was arrested for privately telling (according to the reports) an off duty (gay atheist) police liaison officer that he believed homosexuality was a sin.

Whether or not homosexuality is a sin (I believe it is) is not the point here – whether or not we can voice opinions over things we disagree with is a much more important issue. I’m not sure why an atheist (which the complainant claims to be) would be offended that a God they don’t believe in thinks their conduct is sinful – especially when he defines every person as sinful, and every sin as essentially genetic (an inherited trait).

Things aren’t much better in the US – where a judge just ruled that the cross is a symbol for everybody – not just Christians. Much to the chagrin of atheists and Americans of other religions… here’s a section of the transcript.

MR. ELIASBERG: It doesn’t say that, but a cross is the predominant symbol of Christianity and it signifies that Jesus is the son of God and died to redeem mankind for our sins, and I believe that’s why the Jewish war veterans —

JUSTICE SCALIA: It’s erected as a war memorial. I assume it is erected in honor of all of the war dead. It’s the — the cross is the — is the most common symbol of — of — of the resting place of the dead, and it doesn’t seem to me — what would you have them erect? A cross — some conglomerate of a cross, a Star of David, and you know, a Moslem half moon and star?

MR. ELIASBERG: Well, Justice Scalia, if I may go to your first point. The cross is the most common symbol of the resting place of Christians. I have been in Jewish cemeteries. There is never a cross on a tombstone of a Jew.

(Laughter.)

MR. ELIASBERG: So it is the most common symbol to honor Christians.

JUSTICE SCALIA: I don’t think you can leap from that to the conclusion that the only war dead that that cross honors are the Christian war dead. I think that’s an outrageous conclusion.

MR. ELIASBERG: Well, my — the point of my — point here is to say that there is a reason the Jewish war veterans came in and said we don’t feel honored by this cross. This cross can’t honor us because it is a religious symbol of another religion.

Closer to home, a Geelong church had an Easter publicity stunt closed by police because it was offensive. They were trying to re-enact the crucifixion in a public space. Who thought that would be a good idea? Seriously. I know the crucifixion is important – but in terms of scarring (and scaring) little children in a public place the only way you could create more shock would be to crucify the Easter Bunny and tell them they aren’t getting any eggs.

I know the message of the cross is offensive – that doesn’t mean we have to go out of our way to offend people with it. Like this:

The minister of the church responsible, Sarah Keneally, said:

“When the police stopped it I looked behind me and there were about eight children … watching it and none of them looked distressed,” she said.

“I think it was pretty sad that a Christian group couldn’t express what Easter was truly about for one hour – it wasn’t like we were trying to take over the city or tell everyone they were going to hell.”

She said the group did not get a chance to talk with police before the display was shut down.

“They didn’t talk to us first, they just came and yanked the cord out of our amp and said we had to stop,” she said.

“We got through 40 minutes of Jesus hanging on the cross with two women mourning and instrumental music. I was a bit disappointed we weren’t allowed to have a one-hour demonstration.’

The Bible tells us to go and tell the world about Jesus.

“It doesn’t say to stay in a church and hope that everyone will turn up there because they won’t.”

Ms Kenneally said if the church conducts the same re-enactment next year it would consider cutting out the fake blood element.

“We would probably modify that a bit,” she said.

“We don’t want to, but if that’s what the public are saying, we would if we needed to.”

There’s a big difference between telling the world about Jesus and shoving a gory picture of his crucifixion in their faces.

How to structure your mega church service

This doesn’t really look like any church I’ve ever been to. But then again, none of North Point’s videos look like they come from any church I’ve ever been to.

“Sunday’s Coming” Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

Despite the lack of familiarity this still made me laugh. I think Gary gets the honours for finding this one…

There’s a sequel…

You’ll be thrilled to learn that Jacob Aranza wrote a follow up to his hit tome on Backwards Masking – Backwards Masking Unmasked – he called the sequel More Rock Country And Backward Masking Unmasked it sounds like good blogging fodder, so I’ve ordered it. You’ll know when it arrives.

Stay tuned for my next installment.