A beginner’s guide to making a pun based product would look something like this…
1. Think of a funny and cheap pun based product.
2. Buy a colour printer.
3. Print the lyrics of rap songs on wrapping paper.
4. Sell on the Internet.
Here you go. Rapping Paper.
Have you ever used or searched through stock photo libraries just trying to find the right image for your design? I have. Stock photos are heaps cheaper than photo shoots, and a great way for photographers to make a little pocket money. Good stock photos are awesome. You can search for photos by obvious keywords.
There are, however, a litany of awful stock photos in libraries around the interwebs. This blog, Awkward Stock Photos, exists to record the worst offenders.
One wonders what possible application this image has, and what keywords one would be using to find it: “criminal school girl with walkman and balaklava” is hardly likely to be a common request.
This one is too disturbing to feature in image form – only click it if you can stomach artistic elderly nudity (a bottom) in anatomically impossible situations.
You might not be worried about the Zompocalypse – but not being worried is not an excuse for not being prepared. One of the services we offer here at st-eutychus.com is keeping you and yours abreast with the latest in zombie fighting science, methods and technology.
You can check out some of what we’ve had to say previously here, here, and here.
Today I have collated some hints, tips, resources and how-tos from around the interwebs to aid you in your preparations should the unlikely event of a zombie outbreak occur.
First, the latest in anti-zombie weaponry…
via: Unreality Mag
This list is a bunch of survival tips gleaned from one of the recent seminal Zombie texts, the movie Zombieland.
10- Only pull the trigger if you’re ok with every ghoul within hearing-distance knowing exactly where dinner is.
11- Stay nourished and healthy.
12- Drive safe! (And by that of course I mean drive in a hummer or a large SUV with bars welded to all the windows, and if possible an escape hatch in the roof)
13- If you can avoid it, then do.
This little article has a nice guide to the theories behind surviving a zombie attack – the best bet is to pick a local shopping centre. For the US it’s an obvious choice – because Walmart carries firearms. In Australia it’s less simple. A Bunnings, next to an Anaconda, with a supermarket nearby is probably ideal…
“…scout out all the big box retailers that carry ammo and food. Not too many eh? Tough luck, blue-stater. Someplace like WalMart is ideal, especially with the Garden Center for seed and stuff for longterm survival. A big bonus would be a nearby Home Depot or some such place so you can get plenty of lumber and quick-mix concrete for fortification.
While you’re preparing, always keep in mind locations where people congregate – you’re likely to find lots of zombies there when things turn ugly. Highways, malls, and schools are especially bad. You also might want to mention to your friends and family in passing how well your hiding place could be defended, etc. That way, when the zombies come, they’ll remember you said that and come help you. I don’t recommend telling them you’re preparing for a zombie invasion. “
This piece has a guide to recognising zombies, and more importantly a guide to fighting them.
Here’s a handy guide to zombies in English:
And here’s another batch of ten tips from some zombie fighting experts.
“Choose Your Weapons Wisely: Not all weapons work for all people, and the trendiest zombie-fighting armaments aren’t always the best. When in doubt, melee weapons are a fine tool against the undead, but think twice before picking up that giant hammer. As satisfying as squishing zombie skull may be, swinging the hammer creates a sizable arc that gives zombies plenty of time to nibble at your armpits. GLAZS advises that you invest in a machete, which is cheap, lightweight, and neatly separates a zombie’s head from its bodies. As for ranged weapons, you may want to reconsider that sawed-off shotgun you’re so fond of. Bolt action rifles are both powerful and accurate, without the ammunition restrictions of the close-range shotgun.”
The Chicago Manual of Style is one of the seminal style guides in the world. If you’ve got a grammatical question or are pondering an obscure rule governing the use of the English language (like whether or not to capitalise the E in english, or the names of birds in a tourism brochure) then you should check it out. Especially interesting is the FAQ/Q&A section.
On split infinitives:
“CMOS has not, since the thirteenth edition (1983), frowned on the split infinitive. The fifteenth edition now suggests, to take one example, allowing split infinitives when an intervening adverb is used for emphasis (see paragraphs 5.106 and 5.160). In this day and age, it seems, an injunction against splitting infinitives is one of those shibboleths whose only reason for survival is to give increased meaning to the lives of those who can both identify by name a discrete grammatical, syntactic, or orthographic entity and notice when that entity has been somehow besmirched. Many such shibboleths—the en dash, for example—are worthy of being held onto… euphony or emphasis or clarity or all three can be improved by splitting the infinitive in certain situations. It’s one of the advantages of a language with two-word infinitives.”
Cop that one grammar nazis…
Have you ever been so focused on capturing the perfect shot that you haven’t noticed the obvious – your lens cap is still on. Don’t let those moments go to waste. Maybe start your own version of this Lens Cap On tumblr.
The best/worst dive bar in Brooklyn? YES. You can’t tell, but the jukebox is all Tom Waits records.
SEO1 killed the headline. So says this piece from the Washington Post.
“My biggest beef with the New Newsroom, though, is what has happened to headlines. In old newsrooms, headline writing was considered an art. This might seem like a stretch to you, but not to copy editors, who graduated from college with a degree in English literature, did their master’s thesis on intimations of mortality in the early works of Molière, and then spent the next 20 years making sure to change commas to semicolons in the absence of a conjunction. The only really creative opportunity copy editors had was writing headlines, and they took it seriously…
Newspapers still have headlines, of course, but they don’t seem to strive for greatness or to risk flopping anymore, because editors know that when the stories arrive on the Web, even the best headlines will be changed to something dull but utilitarian. That’s because, on the Web, headlines aren’t designed to catch readers’ eyes. They are designed for “search engine optimization,” meaning that readers who are looking for information about something will find the story, giving the newspaper a coveted “eyeball.” Putting well-known names in headlines is considered shrewd, even if creativity suffers.”
I struggle to decide whether to write headlines for googlers or headlines for my own amusement. I mostly settle for the latter, unless I can’t think of anything punny.
1 Search Engine Optimisation
David Thorne, you’ve heard of him right? The guy who tried to pay his debts with a picture of a spider. Amongst other things (hit the David Thorne tag below for all his hijinks that I’ve previously featured).
You’d think, if you worked with such a renowned internet prankster, he’d be the last person you’d turn to for design help. Which is what his colleague did after her cat went missing. She asked for a “lost cat” poster – here are some of the suggested designs (read the email thread here).
All games actually come from the same place. Did you know that? Don’t believe me? Here’s the shirt to prove it.
You’ve seen the imagery – and now it’s time for the substance. If you’re carrying a few extra kilos (and trust me, I can relate) then this book should spur you on to greater physical fitness. Because we all know that when it comes to God’s love it’s not what’s inside that counts – it’s how good you look.
Chapter One of “Help Lord – The Devil Wants Me Fat: a spiritual approach to a trim and attractive body” is entitled “The Satanic Food Conspiracy!”…
Let me quote to you from the opening paragraphs.
“I don’t see how a really fat person can be a true Christian!”
Normally I ignore such remarks. We all know that being fat or skinny has nothing to do with being saved. But the brother making the statement was so sincere, I thought I’d better hear him out.
“Oh, I replied, “How come?”
See what he’s done here. He’s disassociated himself from the heresy but then given it credence, and indeed, produce a whole book on the basis that you need to be skinny.
“Well, in Philippians 3:19, the apostle Paul speaks of those whose god is their belly. When a person is overweight it seems to me that food is his real master, not the Lord Jesus. Those extra pounds are proof he puts his stomach ahead of the Lord.”
This prompted some soul searching. Our author used to be “large.”
“Then I looked down at the rolls around my waistline. One thing was obvious – I was eating more food than I needed… Is it possible the Devil was using food to weaken the Lord’s rule over my life? Ugh, I didn’t like that idea. Probably because the answer I was getting back was a “yes.”
From what I knew of the devil, food was something he would definitely use. He’s skillful in turning good things to evil purposes… we could consider sex. Here is a beautiful thing God has given us, a drive of the organism to remind us how incomplete we are in ourselves. Just as we need a mate to make us complete in the flesh, so do we need the Lord Jesus to be complete in the Spirit… If Satan has the ability to turn God given drives and turn them to evil, why would he ignore something as vital as eating.”
Here’s the clincher for his argument (and if you read this conclusion with his sex analogy in mind you can understand why he thinks a glass of water is a satisfying start to the day).
“When we’re eating, do we think in terms of what our bodies need? No, we think of how good it tastes or how satisfying it is to stuff ourselves. That’s got to be the work of Satan. He gets us to shift our focus from eating what we NEED to eating what we WANT… Beyond that there seems to be a FOOD CONSPIRACY in our land. Fast food stands are springing up like gas stations. Household magazines are filled with colour photos of delicious pastries and desserts. Everywhere you look it’s food-food-FOOD…
“Most Christians seem to think it [their body] belongs to them; that they can do with it as they please. As a result they pollute it and defile it. We’re familiar with the usual things that defile the body: drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex sins… But most subtle is the way the devil gets us to defile our bodies with food. Many who profess to put Christ first in their lives, deny His lordship with a knife and fork.”
No doubt Keller would enjoy this bit…
“Thus we have Christians who wouldn’t think of lying or stealing or committing adultery, unashamedly going around with bulging bellies. By this they are announcing to the world, “I’ve got another god in my life!” This is in direct violation of the First Commandment.”
The problem though, is Television. If this book were written today the problem would no doubt be all the food ads – but back in 1982 it was the breaks for “station identification”… this was an opportunity to get up to mischief.
“You’re watching TV. There’s a break for station identification. Do you just sit there? No. You ease out of your chair and head for the kitchen. The refrigerator door swings open. You peer inside. Are you hungry? No. does your body need food right now? No. Do you know why you’re standing there staring like that? No…
If nothing is available from the refrigerator you may open a cupboard or two. Some more staring. If you spy something that can be eaten conveniently, you reach for it. If not, you close the door… “I don’t need it anyway” but that’s a victory of the moment. You’ll be back shortly. You win sometimes and you lose sometimes, but the final score is totaled up on the bathroom scale. If you’ve gained weight you are clearly losing the war.”
If you haven’t been offended by this pastoral method before, you probably will be now…
“The devil doesn’t care about fat. He’s concerned with what happens to Christians when they’re fat… in spite of the common notion that fat people are more jolly, the real truth is they’re often more lonely. They make good pals, but not sweethearts. As a result, fat people do a lot of pretending.”
Basically, if you know a happy fat person they’re just faking it. And Satan spends his time helping them weave a fantasy web of self-satisfied delusion…
Except, of course, for those who are fat because of glandular conditions. There’s a disclaimer at the end of this chapter. I would have put this at the front personally… the disclaimer points out that fewer than 1% of the population have this problem and that these people are not the target of this book.
Here are the reasons Satan wants us fat.
Lest you be thinking that this issue is simply limited to your own stomach (and no doubt gluttony does lead to being overweight, as do other factors like poor nutritional education… and the types of processed foods that are part of modern diets…)…
“As far as I can determine we are in those days of “eating and drinking” of which the Lord spoke (Matt 24:37-39). It is one of the signs of the last days.”
The chapter finishes by assuring us that being overweight is just as bad as being an adulterous pastor…
“Some years ago a well known evangelist on the West Coast was shot and killed in a motel room by an enraged husband. The preacher was caught in bed with the man’s wife… But let me ask this: “is it any worse for the Lord to find you in bed with someone else’s wife or husband? Or to have him find you 20-50 pounds overweight?
is because
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
& I don’t want to risk raising the tone above what the usual author is able to maintain.
I Write Like is a cool little online tool that compares your writing style to famous people.
Knowing how you write like is only half the fun, what about how other people write like…
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
His farewell speech was more like a tech blogger:
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!
Who do you write like?
Milk can make or break your coffee. Good milk gives your coffee that velvety texture and takes the edge off any residual bitterness. Bad milk makes the coffee appear thermonuclear – have you ever had one of those takeaway coffees that seems to get hotter rather than colder in your hand?
The key to a great milk based coffee (and to latte art) is steaming the milk properly, or if you’re heating milk for your plunger coffee or stovetop – not overheating it.
When you’re steaming milk using an espresso machine there are a couple of things to watch out for. Firstly, you don’t want to boil or overheat your milk. Milk is best at somewhere between 55 and 65 degrees. After 65 degrees the sugars and proteins in the milk start to break down and you end up with sour, burnt tasting flavours. A good rule of thumb (literally) is to put your thumb against the side of the jug as you steam the milk. When it gets too hot to hold your hand against for more than a second or two (and this obviously depends on how tough your hands are – so you might need to experiment) it’s just right. You can buy a milk thermometer, which is a worthwhile investment until you get a feel for what temperature you’re after. It’s also worth remembering that your milk will actually continue to heat up for a little while after you stop frothing it (before it begins to cool down). So stop a little bit below your target if you’re using a thermometer.
The other factor in good milk is texture. Good milk is like silk. It moves as a cohesive unit and has a nice glossy finish. Silky milk, also called microfoam, is what separates good coffee from bad. To get microfoam you need to manage the way air is injected into your milk by your steam wand. Your goal is to merge the milk and the air seamlessly. If you stick the wand too deep or two shallow it’ll blow air into your milk in a disruptive way – giving big bubbles. What you want is a whirlpool effect in your jug (some home machines can’t get a whirlpool – you might need a smaller jug, or just to focus on motion in the jug not just stagnant milk with bubbles forming). Tipping the jug on an angle towards the steam wand and holding the tip of the wand just below the surface of the milk is a good way to get a whirlpool happening. If your milk screams like you’re killing it you probably are.
Mastering milk will dramatically improve your coffee.
Some tips for getting your milk right:
Well, the big day arrived (last Thursday actually – I’ve been remiss in posting this). I finally converted coffee cherries into a drinkable cup of coffee.
It was a long, slow, process, so I figured it deserved a long, slow pour (I tend to prefer thick coffee produced with a slow extraction).
Check it out in video form:
I thought I’d share with you some tidbits from the newest edition/addition in my library. These are photos from my iPhone.
It’s brilliant. It opens with a statement I can paraphrase as: if you/r friend are/is overweight, not only is it the devil’s fault but you should question your salvation.
I’ll deal with the substance of the argument in a future post – but now I’m going to share with you some of what I think makes this book special – its style.
Some of its illustrations look like Chance cards from Monopoly:
With a bit of high art (which may suggest that the original sin was gluttony not disobedience).
The problem is your sub-conscious. It’s the Devil’s playground.
It’s this sort of advice that will set you on the path to skinniness:
It says: “A glass of water will do you for breakfast. It’s surprising how satisfying a glass of water can be.”
The Devil is an imp in a top hat.
He ends up in web of positive thinking and healthy eating advice:
I’ve only posted less than half the post-worthy illustrations here (and they’re photos from my iPhone). I’m hoping to post the rest in coming days/weeks in better quality and with the kind of analysis you’ve come to expect from St. Eutychus.
I trust you’ll enjoy this journey of self discovery thoroughly.
