bad Christian music

Rappin for Jesus

These guys do “exude some Christian swag.”

But this is not how to make the gospel relevant for the hip hop community. There is so much wrong with this… particularly the bit where a couple of middle aged white people are more than a little bit racist, not to mention that they’re rapping.

Could this be the worst marketing song ever written and performed?

I think so…

The Internet agrees. It’s not the worst song ever though. I can think of at least three that are worse. Here are some candidates:

And then, of course, there’s any song by the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse.

But this, of course, is the worst song ever.

Godly music v ungodly music…

It’s important to know the difference. Apparently. Saxophone jazz is out. Saxophone muzak is in. Because it’s important that church sounds like an elevator.

You know the song “Heart and Soul” that every kid plays on the piano – it’s out. It’s a “Boogie-woogie” song, and thus unsuitable for gospel/worship music. Because it makes the body want to dance.

The Nu-Thang man: Horrible Christian rap and a nice follow up

You know how sometimes I’m forced to post speculative questions like “what were the parents of this kid thinking when they let him make a fool of himself in front of a camera”…

Well. In this case. I don’t have to. Because the guy behind this video has come forward. He’s now a 29 year old lawyer. And he responds to his viral infamy with grace and class.

“In retrospect, I think the performance shows a green-eared, gutsy attempt to passionately perform something I believed in. Does it look a little cheesy 19 years later? Sure. Are my clothes outdated even for 1992? Probably. Did I need an inhaler? A little oxygen would have helped!”

“I don’t think the purpose of the video was to convert people in the first place. Think about it. It’s a Christian TV show being watched by other Christian children…some of whom grew up and are now laughing at themselves for wearing flowery pirate pants.”

If Owl City was a middle aged Christian woman in pink…

They might sound a little bit like this.

This reminds me of a karaoke act at a church concert I was at once. And that is not a good thing…

The subtitle thing on YouTube says:

“A great song with a powerful message! Enjoy!”

Here’s my powerful message. I didn’t.

She has heaps of songs on YouTube. You can watch them all.

This one, perhaps ironically, is called “Your Voice Is My Healing”…

Based on the birth year in her username this is a 67 year old woman. So she should know better. Or perhaps this is what the 66 year old men are looking for these days.

Cee-Lo Sanctified

Christian music fans rejoice! One of the biggest musical hits of last year was Cee-Lo’s catchy number that was far too rude for Christians to wander around singing along to. So here, as a piece of public service, is a Christian version for you to learn and hum along to.

And if anybody asks, upon hearing your humming. You can tell them the gospel as told by this song.

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