Fraud Squad member needed

My business transaction with Edward NKanga is entering the final stages. I’ve decided that I’m going to need to be investigated for fraud – then sent to jail for a lengthy prison term. I need someone who is willing to pose as the fraud squad – potentially requiring a new email address to be set up using hotmail or gmail. If you feel suitably creative let me know and I’ll collaborate with you to bring Tobias Walther Schranner to justice, along with his nefarious companion Mr E NKanga. I may also have a Damascus road moment and tell Edward that I’ve converted to Christianity and no longer feel prepared to go through with this deception – I could tell him that I’m praying for his soul.

Without wishing to bore you too much with lengthy quotes from emails, here are some of the highlights from the last two emails I received, and my responses:

Thank you very much for your response.I do not mind a mobile phone.I will be
vetry happy to get the details from you regarding the investment plans you have
for this funds. I want you to also understand that the most pressing thing at the moment is to get the funds transfered into any of your nominated bank account.I am presently working on procuring the legal document that will present you as the legal beneficiary to this funds.By God’s grace this document will be ready before the end of today.I want you to know that the charges involved in procuring this document will be taken care by me but please note that once i get this documents i will send it to you along with the full contact information of the bank. Further note that once i do this i will be counting on you to seal this transaction because from my calculation this funds should be in your account within seven bank days of you contacting the bank.Before i forget my full name is Edward
Nkanga,i am married with four lovely daugthers.I am presently living in
rue 22 by 39 medina dakar senegal.I was born on july 8th 1964.I will get
back to you with further details and instructions.
Remain
blessed,
Edward Nkanga


He followed that email up with the bank details as promised – and a form letter that I could fill in to send to the bank making my claim.

Dear Tobias,

I am very pleased to inform you that i have been able to procure the legal document which will present you as the next of kin to Adreas Schranner.This document is attached to this mail for your perusal.I want you to now proceed and contact the bank and request for the immediate transfer of your inheritance to your nominated bank account.Below is the full contact information of the bank:

National Credit Services
Tel: +44 704 010 8962
Tel: +44 795 525 8663
Fax: +44 709 287 5848
Email:thomas.wood.ncs@hotmail.com
Contact: Mr Thomas Wood, Director of operation

I complied to his request, adding a lengthy preamble to the letter and making a couple of changes in order to keep any real information out of the correspondence.

Mr Thomas Wood,

I have recently been contacted by a Mr E Nkanga, former assistant to my late cousin Mr Andreas Schranner. He informed me of the untimely passing of my cousin in an accident some years ago. I was unaware of the untimely demise of my relative until very recently. I have spent many years living in isolated wilderness penning my memoirs which I believe contain a story that must be told to the world. The story of my life is an interesting one, and a story which I will share in part with you.
I was born in an Australian grotto called Gundegai, a poverty stricken village famous for its love of canines. Dogs are revered as Gods in this town and villagers often go without food so that the town’s dog population remains well fed and honoured. You may be familiar with the nursery rhyme “This old man” in which Nick Nack Paddy Whack gives a dog a bone before rolling home. This rhyme tells the story of my uncle Nick, (Andreas’ father) who quite literally had to roll home after a dog consumed his leg while he stood – giving him no leg to stand on. This is
just an interesting extract from my memoirs and one that serves to show the closeness of my relationship with my departed cousin.
I no longer choose to conduct my business by pen and paper, instead relying solely on digital technology. I have attached an electronically verified version of my signature which I assure you is the normal business practice within my industry.
I send this email from my off shore assistant’s (Mr Nathan Campbell) account as I do not want the tax authorities to discover the extent of my inheritance until I declare it. Government corruption makes doing business in my country a double edged sword – there are benefits, and problems – for those wishing to work as
entrepreneurs. However, all this is as we say, by the by.


The lengthy cover letter followed an included a section for my details at the bottom:

FULL NAME:Tobias Walther Schraenner
ADDRESS:1 Wadinga Ct
Coonabarabran
TEL NO:+61 132 221
FAX NO: n/a
PROFESSION: Venture Capitalist
DATE
OF BIRTH: 29 Feb 1976
SEX: Not till marriage
MARITAL STATUS: Unmarried
DATE: 12 Feb 2007
SIGNATURE:
TWSfile101.jpg

And to conclude I sent a follow up email to Edward (I should point out that I have never given him my mobile number and I expect him to follow that up – I’ll say the email was obviously lost in the internet’s black hole or something.

Edward,

As you will see I have contacted the bank – and included you in a blind carbon copy – unfortunately due to my accounting procedures I have had to request a bank cheque, I hope this causes you no further inconvenience. I can not have the amount in question appear in my account without going through necessary procedures for taxation purposes.

Edward, I thank you for your partnership in this deal and look forward to a continued arrangement. I am a little worried about the financial institution we are dealing with because I note that the banker in question uses a hotmail account. I have grave concerns that we are both set to be seriously taken to the cleaners (a metaphor for thievery in my country). I do trust that you have conducted necessary enquiries into this situation. Please contact me on the mobile number previously provided to alay my concerns.
Edward, your family sounds happy and lovely, I wish you all the best in your future and pray that your daughters find husbands who will love the lord and provide for them with the same grace and ability that you yourself have.

Senegal is a nation dear to my heart. Your national football team brings me great joy – and also did during the World Cup. I must ask, who is your favourite player? For me it is Pappa Babba “Smurf” Diop. He is a goal scoring wunderkid who will bring great glory to your marvellous nation.

I wait with baited breath for further correspondence from yourself addressing these questions and concerns.

Tobias

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.

5 thoughts on “Fraud Squad member needed”

  1. You really need to request a photo of him with a sign that says something funny.. with a fish or something on his head.

Comments are closed.