Further letters from Edward

Climate Change
Peter Garrett and Malcolm Turnbull, the two great hopes of the major political parties, had a debate on climate change yesterday. I fear the election campaign will be dominated by an issue that is really not Australia’s battle to be fighting. Climate change will probably continue occuring despite our efforts given the meagre contribution we make to global emissions. While our output is high per capita the US, China and India – and even the sheep in New Zealand – have more to answer to than we do. I’m sick of the issue and I don’t see why we should harm our economy by stopping our industries when global climate change will still cause the drought/flood conditions we’re facing anyway. Sure, we have a responsibility to look after the environment – but the government has a responsibility to look after its people. It’s not butterflies and hurricanes people – closing down our coal industry will not have any significant global impact while other countries continue to run theirs.

David Hicks
Issue two on the political agenda is the plight of unconvicted terrorist David Hicks, why he’s any more worthy of public support than any other Australian citizen incarcerated on foreign shores is beyond me. The guy’s an Al Queda insider and will eventually be tried, and quite frankly he deserves to be there. What about the Bali 9? what about Schappelle? I saw a group of protestors standing on a corner today calling for his release. Talk about a wasted effort – what does a protest in Townsville have to do with the plight of an Australian war criminal/terrorist under US control – again, not butterflies and hurricanes… If people want to make a difference why not take a meal to a refugee in one of the Australian facilities – their only crime is wanting the freedoms and protections afforded Australian citizens (slightly ironic) they don’t necessarily want to blow anyone up. That’s a worthy cause and I’m sick of stupid activists who think their voice will make a difference. Actions make a difference – and according to the cliche, they speak louder than words anyway. If you’re that worried about Hicks go launch a rescue mission, I’m sure Osama wants his general back. Hicks is an embarassment to Australia – not because of the government’s inaction but because of his actions, he chose to side with the bad guys.

Speaking of bad guys… my pen pal Edward wrote back to me after I revealed I’m a venture capitalist… for those who missed it, Edward generously agreed to raise my commission to the exact level he’d already offered. I suggested I’d be able to find suitable investment arrangments in Australia for his share of the profits:

Tobias,
Thanks for your comprehensive response.
Meanwhile,i thought you would have send the informations i requested from you such as 1.Your full name 2.Your private telephone and fax number3.Your address4.Your present occupation
Though you said that your email was slow but please remember to
include them in the reply to this mail to enable give you more necessary
information regard to this transaction.
I will be very happy if you will really find a good business where where this fund will be invest in your country.
I will be waiting for your urgent response.
Best Regards,
Edward Nkanga


I replied to his email with the following:

Edward,

I’m sorry I haven’t responded until now. I’ve been very confused. I’m not sure exactly why you need these sorts of details to complete the transaction. I think If I am to give out such personal information I need some assurances that the money is real and that I will receive my percentage. I don’t want to appear greedy but I’m worried by the risks involved and don’t want to be hurt in this deal. My uncle Geronimo, a descendant of a Native American tribe, always said that I should never trust a man named after a prince of England so I am understandably wary. This does seem to be a fantastic opportunity to do business and I’m not completely adverse to taking risks in business ventures. My work as a business venture
capitalist and stock broker means I’m often involved with risky deals. My cousin’s brother’s cousin is an investment adviser and he says the internet is the next big thing when it comes to finding new investment opportunities. I guess that means I should trust you when it comes to doing deals like this. I only hope that you are worthy of this faith that I will put into you. Or I will hunt you down with the vengeance of 1000000 bumble bees. It is in the best interest of both parties concerned that you respond to me as quickly as possible so that we can continue making this deal. But like I say, I need real assurances that you still intend to go ahead with this transaction and would suggest that due to the risks involved in the procedure my percentage should be say 40% of the profits plus a return on future
investments in my country. Changing my name has severely confused a number of my clients and my close family who think I’m stupid to take these measures so early in the process. I believe it is better to act first and deal with consequences later – I tell you this so you know the lengths I am going to to help you out with your business deal.

Tobias

Also – If my request for a larger share of the profits offended you I would be willing to negotiate like all reasonable business men. As far as I can see we are equal partners in terms of the risk but it is you who created the opportunity so I
would be happy with a 60-40 % split.


He didn’t respond to that email, perhaps realising that I am not who I seem to be. I did not want to lose out on this opportunity so initiated further contact.

I’m worried that I have not heard from you since my last reply? I apologise if my lack of immediate trust offended you – but I really must be cautious these days because while the internet brings opportunities like this for respectable people to do business there are those who would use it for less honest means.

Please contact me as soon as possible.
My details are:
Tobias Walther Schranner
I do not have a fax machine and my telephone is currently out of
service – however you should be able to leave a message with my secretary
on +61 132 221
My PO box number is 42
I am a banker/venture capitalist/stock broker for my own private firm.

For those worried that I have provided a career criminal with my personal details, please not that this phone number is the number for the Commonwealth Banks telephone banking service… Edward was no doubt a little confused:


Dear Tobias,

Thank you very much for your response.I have gone through all your email with all seriousness and i very well appreciate the effort you have made in respect to this transaction.

I want you to understand the real essence of this transaction and at the same time give you further details regarding this transaction.With the details you provided i will go ahead and procure the required legal documents that will fully present you as the legitimate next of kin to the deceased.

I have tried calling you on the number which you provided but i kept getting a computer recorded message.I will very much love to speak to you so please i will like you to provide me a direct telephone number where i can reach you.

Meanwhile i will begin the process of procuring the legal documents.

I expect to hear from you soonest.

Remain blessed,
Edward Nkanga


Not wishing to disappoint Edward with his request to hear from me soonest I responded immediately.

Edward, I do apologise – that’s the best number to get me on through my current work with the bank I am unable to provide a further number at this time, hopefully my new office landline will be connected shortly. Would a mobile
number be suitable? Email is probably my preferred method of communication as I am often too busy to answer my phone.

I am preparing some contracts for further investment of your funds in the country and have some opportunities I would like to discuss with you in the future. Please could I also have your full name, address and date of birth for my records.

Tobias


The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.

10 thoughts on “Further letters from Edward”

  1. Nathan, RE: Climate Change Issue: I agree with you. It is a stupid topic to be debating. I believe we need to all do our bit to pollute more so that climate change becomes a valid political topic. Here’s an idea, don’t EVER turn your car off – just leave it running – plus, it does help my favourite charities – “fuel companies”.

  2. haha. I like how you asked for his personal details :P

    The person on the other end can’t seriously think you’re interested, can they? Unless they really are stupid. And you’d think someone who could pull off internet scams like this isn’t completely stupid.

  3. You’re right that climate change shouldn’t be a political issue, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t “do our bit” to cut our pollution, just because we are a small nation. every samll country adds up. We shouldn’t just wait till the big kids stop.

    In regard to David Hicks, you wrote:
    “why he’s any more worthy of public support than any other Australian citizen incarcerated on foreign shores is beyond me.”
    I think the difference is that every other incarcerated Australian oversees has been charged, and is being incarcerated in the nation of their crime. That is, their incarciration is in keeping with the way Australians go about law. In fact, it goes quite against the Australian legal way to say that David Hicks deserves to be in prison, because here, we assume innocence until proven guilty by a court of law. Of course, the evidence we have had reported to us in the media indicates that he probably will be found guilty, but that is not the legal point.
    And the whole idea of retropective crimes is simply unnaceptable.
    So the issue isn’t so much about David Hicks personally, but about upholding the Australian justice system.
    But it shouldn’t be an election issue either…

  4. It’s more about whether or not the “war on terror” can be defined as a war or not. If it is, then Hicks, as an “enemy combatant” can be held without trial for the duration of the war – because a sovereign nation (in this case the US – not really Australia although we’re in the “coalition of the willing”) does not need to release captured enemies to rejoin the fight against them.
    Arguing on the legal merits is a completely different kettle of fish as I tried to point out in a previous post. He can’t be legally tried. But he can be legally held – if this is a war – which will be harder and harder for the US to prove. He could then be tried for “war crimes” but that again is another issue – is what he did criminal if it’s a war, no. So they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Capturing terrorists proves to be a messy business, maybe they should just shoot them and save all the fuss. Do you think the issue would have been as major if Hicks had just been shot in a gunfight as an Al Queda operative? I think not.

  5. In a sense the way a country looks after its citizens is probably a fundamental election issue. The way they uphold law and justice. That’s governmental responsibility in a way that “global” warming is not.
    At the end of the day, when it comes to climate change, I believe God controls the environment, not humans and it’s arrogant for us to assume we have any say over when it rains or when it doesn’t. We’re just called to do our bit in caring for it.

  6. because God controls the environment, that’s why we need to vote for the people that God votes for! I don’t understand why Family First aren’t getting on the climate change bandwagon and arguing that they have a “direct line” to God.

  7. Perhaps everyone with a direct line to God should be praying for rain in the places that need it most (if they aren’t already), irrelevant of whether people vote for them.

    As for climate change, it seems like you’re saying we’re the butterfly in the cyclone, not the one that caused it.

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