A Mani for all seasons

Right, so I (Bruce) now have ten new friends. And many new opportunities.

First, let me introduce you to Terry Donald – who I affectionately call Tezza.

He offered me 10% of $5 million.

The fund in question is a total of $5,000,000 (Five Million United States Dollars) in $100 bills and stashed in Two trunk boxes and was shipped out of Liberia through a diplomatic means by a security company and they are not aware of the real content of the boxes for security reasons.

That seemed very low. So I negotiated.

Thank you for your email. I am interested in pursuing this opportunity. I believe 10% is not generous enough – I propose 20%. But I am negotiable.

The reply came in all capitals. He obviously had a lot to shout about…

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST US IN THIS

TRANSACTION. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HEALTH BUT I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE ONE THING THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR STILL KEEPING YOU ALIVE AND HAS AREASON FOR EVEYTHING THAT HAPPENS ARROUND US.

WE HAVE SET ASIDE 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM TO REWARD YOU IN THIS TRANSACTION AND YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID

15%? I said 20%…

Please don’t use all capitals when emailing me – it is very hard to read, and I want to be sure I know exactly what I am agreeing to.
A life changing transaction would be great. My life is pretty terrible. I do believe that God has his reasons for everything.
How did you know I have health problems?
I must again point out that 15% is not a fair share given that without my help you will not be able to conclude this transaction. I have reconsidered my offer – I will do this for no less than 30% of the deal.

So, I got a little greedy. But that’s the idea right?

Thanks for your email and after much discausions with the family member we have concluded in offering you the 30%.
These families I represent are seriously under financial mess like wise my self I have not been paid for almost 1 year now and my own direct family is also suffering. This is the main reason why the family has decided to go for this money that we have with the security company there in America and also the reason why they have set aside 15% of the total money for you because there must be expenses made by you but not too sure how much, which you have to find out your self from the security company.

I know you may find this transaction unbelievable but my dear, I want you to look around you what set of people will you find? You see the rich and the poor, do you sometimes ask your self how the rich people make there money? It’s just by taking bold steps. I have worked with my Client (Mr. Charles Taylor) the former Head of state of Liberia , I have been in power and know what and how money is made, so my dear please do not let this opportunity pass us by.

Success. But he tugged at my heart strings. That tale of woe was too much to bear. I can’t steal money from these people. I enjoyed his little lecture about embracing risk too…

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I appreciate your generosity in times of economic misfortune with your family.
Having heard about your circumstances I am willing to take just 20% of the final amount.
This offer does sound "unbelievable" – but I’m not one to let that prevent me exploring opportunities.
I will contact the security company. I often do look at the people around me – and I tend to see not rich and poor – but honest and dishonest. I am honest. I will keep my word to you in all things – and expect you to do so as well.
There’s a Latin phrase – Carpe Diem – which means "seize the day". I intend to do so with this transaction.
Terry, there comes a time in every relationship where both parties must demonstrate good faith. I believe I have started to do so by responding, and I will continue to do so by providing full cooperation with your requests.
I must ask that you also demonstrate good faith to me – in the first instance – I would like reassurance that you are a legitimate person, and not somebody out to take me into a confidence scam (also called a con job).
Could you please send me a copy of a photo of yourself and some identification. I will then, at a later date, ask for a further photograph to confirm your identity. I believe one must be careful when dealing with people over the Internet.

From this point Tezza has been passing me off to this security company. And a Mr Mani Kerry.

I contacted the security company, as requested. And Terry started getting a little impatient, and petulant.

He sent me a grumpy email. So I responded.

I’m not sure you understand the difference in time between two countries – I am highly unlikely to send you a response in the early hours of the morning.
I am a business man and need my sleep.
Chillax my foreign brother.
This is the soonest I could possibly reply to your missive.
Here are my details:
Name: Bruce Mark Johnson
Address: 6 Horseshoe Bay Road, Horseshoe Bay, Magnetic Island, Queensland, Australia
Do you require any further details or identification? I will send my documentation to the security company today.
I await your passport.
Best regards,
Bruce.

Tezza hadn’t come through with the documents I required.

He asked me to let the security company know there had been some delay. I’m pretty sure Tezza is the lawyers… so I got all passive aggressive.

Dear Mani, 

My lawyers are pretty slack and haven’t sent me the papers yet. I will have them to you by tomorrow at the latest.

I may have to fire the retards.

Thanks for your patience.

Yeah. That sure showed him.

Mani is from a very professional security company. They even have an awesome gif that they include in their emails.

trucking

I’d hate to keep him waiting.

Tezza finally sent me the papers…

My Dear Brother, in as much as God is on our side, we must definitely get there. Please, it is very important and urgent you contact them now and let me know. Bear in mind that the SECURITY COMPANY does not know what is in the consignment it was declared as personal effects and artifacts for security reasons.

I know that, our Good Almighty God will definitely see us through. Remember that with God, all things are possible as we wait upon his divine favor. I promised you that you would never be disappointed at the end of this transaction.

Ah, a fellow Christian brother. He needs to pass my Shibboleth test…

Thank you so much for your perseverance in securing these documents.

I must thank you, and reward you, for your efforts on this matter. I will pass the certificates on to the security company with due haste.

I am glad to hear that you trust in God – what church do you go to? What is your favourite Bible verse?

I look forward to hearing from you soon my brother from another mother.

So, now Mani wants me to pay to receive my consignment…

Please this is your invoice to commence the delivery of your consignment.  We accept 60% downpayment and upon the satisfactory delivery of your consignment we get our balance.This are the rules abiding with the security house

Demurrages———————————–$2330
DeliveryCharges——————————-$610
HandlingCharges——————————$1240
AdministrativeCharge————————–$170
Insurance——————————————-$350
Total————————————————–$4700

Note: funds should be sent through money transfer preferably MONEY GRAM to our payment receiver office in New York. For safety of your payments receiver’s names are changed periodically.

Receiver’s name-  DONALD ROGER
Address- 154th street New York NY,

Amount- $4700

Please get in touch with us by email with the payment information and for any confirmation or enquiries. Also remember to confirm to us your address and full names where the delivery will have to take place

But sending money over the internets is so dangerous. I must have some reassurance…

Many thanks for this. I appreciate your prompt reply. My full postal address is on the Drivers License attached to this email.
I have some criteria that must be met before I transfer this money to you, I have a policy that requires 100 points of ID before wiring money internationally:
1. Photographic ID – Drivers License, Passport – scanned copies are accepatble (40 points).
2. Valid Credit Card in your name – these details will be tested but no charges will be made on the card (20 points).
3. Any work or student Identification issued by an official institution – (20 points).
4. A recent photograph to corroborate the photographic ID supplied – this photograph must be produced on request as a kind of "proof of life" as evidence. The photo should contain a point of reference to this discussion to demonstrate that it is a genuine attempt to prove your identity. (60 points)
5. A phone call – to +61 407 174 734 – during Australian Business Hours – (10 points)
With regards to point 4 – I have spent the morning working with some clients on a new project they are building for their church. It’s called the Exodus 20:15 project – if you choose to provide a photograph then "Exodus 20:15" would be an appropriate reference (it just has to be written on a piece of paper, nothing fancy).
Thank you Mani. I look forward to receiving your information and identity verification before proceeding with this transfer. I have had the appropriate amount (the full fee) transferred to my operations account in order to proceed with payment. I will transfer the full amount at once to waive transaction fees – and because I trust you.

I await his reply.

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.