The final phone call (I think)

I got so sick of Dr Paul and Interpol that I decided to bring things to a head.

I haven’t heard back from the Dr Paul character since my last insulting email. But I moved things along with mr Kofi from Interpol. And then he called me. Here’s the (in my opinion) hilarious phone call. He trips up a number of times. It goes for seven minutes. But it’s the best seven minutes of phone call ever. The email he talks about in the phone call is included below. The best bit is that Mr Kofi – the chief of Interpol/Director of Ghana’s Criminal Investigators Department – asked me to send money to the guy who Dr Paul told me was his staff member who "wouldn’t eat my money"…

Dear.

Thank you very much for this money you send but the problem now that i did not give you the information you will use to send it, please i want to advice you now to go western union now change it now will this nams and address onbelow:

1. NAME: PAUL MOUGOR

2. ADDRESS: ACCRA GHANA

my friend go back now change it in western union and get back to me very fast so you fund will deliver to you very fast now. my friend you have to do this very fast because of problem.Am looking forward to hear from you today.

After the phone call – where I’m sure he didn’t get my message – I decided to let him know that the game was up. If he doesn’t get this message he truly is the dumbest scammer ever.

Mr Kofi/Dr Paul/Emmanuel Onyekwere
The game is over. You are too stupid for words.
I am sorry. You have just made too many mistakes. Let me list them.
1. If you’re scamming somebody and they ask for an easy piece of proof – just send it to them. Don’t make stupid excuses like "I haven’t done that before"
2. If you can forge ID and use a fake email address – anybody else can too.
3. Claiming to be a Christian while trying to steal somebody’s money is just wrong. Obviously you don’t actually believe in God. You’ve got hell to look forward to and all the money you’re stealing off innocent people is not going to get you  out of that.
4. If you’re going to bring another character into the picture get someone else to make the phone call – especially if the person hasn’t given your new character their phone number.
5. When you make a phone call actually listen to what the person is saying.
6. When someone tells you they know you’re a thief and then two weeks later writes back to you – you must wonder whether or not they’re just toying with you.
7. When you receive an email – actually read it. Sticking to a script won’t fool anybody.
8. If you’re going to try to steal somebody’s money at least get some real looking ID – photoshop jobs are easy to see through.
9. When someone sends you a Western Union receipt after not having contacted you for weeks – perhaps assume it’s not real. I hope you went into Western Union and looked like an absolute idiot.
And lastly, and this is the big one…
If you’re playing the role of Interpol – don’t send tell me to send money to somebody who "works as Dr Paul’s assistant and won’t eat my money" – which is what Dr Paul Acquah said about Paul Mougour – the guy Mr Kofi is now asking me to send money to.
In conclusion. You are the worst scammer ever. You’ve wasted so much time talking to me. I feel good that you’re not talking to some gullible fool and taking their money. But I suggest that because you are so bad at this you change your ways. Go to church this weekend and tell them that you’re a reformed criminal and ask them to give you some real jobs to do. Get a job washing dishes in a restaurant. You’d be better at every other job in the world than this one. You are THE WORST Nigerian scammer in history.
Regards,
N

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.

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