Are of course “Security, Security, Security…”, which takes on new meaning when you’re dealing with dangerous international pirates.
The security company has contacted me to help facilitate the transfer of the safety deposit box (stashed with secret cash) into my possession. Their email is all in caps – and it pretty much makes your eyes bleed. It started like this:
“ATTN: MR. JONATHAN CAMPBELL,
WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF THE INFORMATION FORWARDED TO US IN RESPECT TO THE RELEASE AND DELIVERY OF A DEPOSIT MADE BY MR BENJAMIN ROBERT WITH REFERENCE NUMBER (ASV/XXX/ZVXW/AAM56KN) TO YOU AS THE APPOINTED RECEIVER AS CONTAINED IN THE RELEASE APPLICATION FORM SUBMITTED BY MICHEL ROBERT (MR)..
WE HAD ALSO RECEIVED AN APPLICATION RELEASE FORM FROM MICHEL ROBERT (MR)TOO IN REGARDS TO YOUR LETTER AS MENTIONED ABOVE.WE ARE HONOURED TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS DEPOSIT IS INTACT AND SAFE IN OUR SECURITY COMPANY AND READY FOR FURTHER DELIVERY ACTIONS .
WE ARE AWARE OF THE QUEST TO DELIVER THE CONSIGNMENT TO YOUR RESIDENT ADDRESS AND THUS IT IS REQUIRED BY LAW TO SATISFY THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENTS TO LEGALLY AUTHORISE THE RELEASE OF THIS DEPOSIT TO YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY.”
Then, I was to contact some lawyer who suffers from a clear case of nominal determinism…
YOU ARE DIRECTED TO CONTACT OUR ACCREDITTED LAWYER SINCE YOU ARE NON RESIDENT HERE FOR THE PURPOSE OF SECURING THIS PAPERWORK IN YOUR FAVOUR AND TO ENSURE THAT EVERYTHING IS DONE LEGALLY. THE LAWYER’S CONTACT DETAILS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
HUISSIER DE JUSTICE.
16 BP 532 ABIDJAN 16
RUE BOULEVARD DU GABON
ABIDJAN COTE D’IVOIRE.
DIRECT TELEPHONE +22507292581
PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY (OUMAR SANOGOGO ESQ)
What a name. Oh well. I wrote back to the security company.
Whoa Dr Duke, ease up on the caps lock. It makes your correspondence difficult to read.
I am very happy you responded to me. I wonder if you can do me a favour, as we are about to enter into this significant transaction.
Would it be possible for me, as executor and legal owner of this deposit, to arrange for my ward – Michel Robert – to have some personal time with the container. He has some personal items to place in the container, and some to remove. He must have access to the box in complete private before it is released to my care.
I have copied Michel in to this email so that he knows you have my authorisation to allow him to access the box.
Please write to me when this has been completed so I will stop worrying about this transaction.
In the meantime I will contact this lawyer.
The nearest airport to me is the Brisbane International Airport in Australia.
And then to the Lawyer, where I planted a seed for potentially trying to turn him against himself (in the guise of Michel).
Dr Mr Huissier De Justice,
Wow, that’s a great name for a lawyer. Did you change it by deed poll? Can I change mine too…
Actually, that is an entirely unrelated matter to my email.
I am about to remove a safety deposit box from your country and have it transferred to mine. I am told I need some paperwork from you in order to facilitate this.
You’re a lawyer, so I’ll be honest with you, I have some concerns about this transaction. Is it normal in Cote D’Ivor for a man’s uncles to be trying to kill him? My poor ward Michel Robert is terrified by these men who are clearly dangerous. I worry about his safety. Can you reassure me that he will be ok. He wants me to act quickly – and I’m afraid that some of my business commitments in Australia prevent me from engaging in this transaction as quickly as he requires.
In the meantime – I need to secure a change of ownership authority as I am taking ownership of the consignment from my friend Michel’s deceased father.
I trust you will act with discretion on this matter. Can I trust you? I would hope that I can and ask that you keep my concerns to yourself and do not mention them to the Security company.
Jonathan “Nathan” Campbell