A Mani for all seasons

Right, so I (Bruce) now have ten new friends. And many new opportunities.

First, let me introduce you to Terry Donald – who I affectionately call Tezza.

He offered me 10% of $5 million.

The fund in question is a total of $5,000,000 (Five Million United States Dollars) in $100 bills and stashed in Two trunk boxes and was shipped out of Liberia through a diplomatic means by a security company and they are not aware of the real content of the boxes for security reasons.

That seemed very low. So I negotiated.

Thank you for your email. I am interested in pursuing this opportunity. I believe 10% is not generous enough – I propose 20%. But I am negotiable.

The reply came in all capitals. He obviously had a lot to shout about…

I THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST US IN THIS

TRANSACTION. I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HEALTH BUT I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE ONE THING THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR STILL KEEPING YOU ALIVE AND HAS AREASON FOR EVEYTHING THAT HAPPENS ARROUND US.

…

WE HAVE SET ASIDE 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM TO REWARD YOU IN THIS TRANSACTION AND YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID

15%? I said 20%…

Please don’t use all capitals when emailing me – it is very hard to read, and I want to be sure I know exactly what I am agreeing to.
A life changing transaction would be great. My life is pretty terrible. I do believe that God has his reasons for everything.
How did you know I have health problems?
I must again point out that 15% is not a fair share given that without my help you will not be able to conclude this transaction. I have reconsidered my offer – I will do this for no less than 30% of the deal.

So, I got a little greedy. But that’s the idea right?

Thanks for your email and after much discausions with the family member we have concluded in offering you the 30%.
These families I represent are seriously under financial mess like wise my self I have not been paid for almost 1 year now and my own direct family is also suffering. This is the main reason why the family has decided to go for this money that we have with the security company there in America and also the reason why they have set aside 15% of the total money for you because there must be expenses made by you but not too sure how much, which you have to find out your self from the security company.

I know you may find this transaction unbelievable but my dear, I want you to look around you what set of people will you find? You see the rich and the poor, do you sometimes ask your self how the rich people make there money? It’s just by taking bold steps. I have worked with my Client (Mr. Charles Taylor) the former Head of state of Liberia , I have been in power and know what and how money is made, so my dear please do not let this opportunity pass us by.

Success. But he tugged at my heart strings. That tale of woe was too much to bear. I can’t steal money from these people. I enjoyed his little lecture about embracing risk too…

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I appreciate your generosity in times of economic misfortune with your family.
Having heard about your circumstances I am willing to take just 20% of the final amount.
This offer does sound "unbelievable" – but I’m not one to let that prevent me exploring opportunities.
I will contact the security company. I often do look at the people around me – and I tend to see not rich and poor – but honest and dishonest. I am honest. I will keep my word to you in all things – and expect you to do so as well.
There’s a Latin phrase – Carpe Diem – which means "seize the day". I intend to do so with this transaction.
Terry, there comes a time in every relationship where both parties must demonstrate good faith. I believe I have started to do so by responding, and I will continue to do so by providing full cooperation with your requests.
I must ask that you also demonstrate good faith to me – in the first instance – I would like reassurance that you are a legitimate person, and not somebody out to take me into a confidence scam (also called a con job).
Could you please send me a copy of a photo of yourself and some identification. I will then, at a later date, ask for a further photograph to confirm your identity. I believe one must be careful when dealing with people over the Internet.

From this point Tezza has been passing me off to this security company. And a Mr Mani Kerry.

I contacted the security company, as requested. And Terry started getting a little impatient, and petulant.

He sent me a grumpy email. So I responded.

I’m not sure you understand the difference in time between two countries – I am highly unlikely to send you a response in the early hours of the morning.
I am a business man and need my sleep.
Chillax my foreign brother.
This is the soonest I could possibly reply to your missive.
Here are my details:
Name: Bruce Mark Johnson
Address: 6 Horseshoe Bay Road, Horseshoe Bay, Magnetic Island, Queensland, Australia
Do you require any further details or identification? I will send my documentation to the security company today.
I await your passport.
Best regards,
Bruce.

Tezza hadn’t come through with the documents I required.

He asked me to let the security company know there had been some delay. I’m pretty sure Tezza is the lawyers… so I got all passive aggressive.

Dear Mani, 

My lawyers are pretty slack and haven’t sent me the papers yet. I will have them to you by tomorrow at the latest.

I may have to fire the retards.

Thanks for your patience.

Yeah. That sure showed him.

Mani is from a very professional security company. They even have an awesome gif that they include in their emails.

trucking

I’d hate to keep him waiting.

Tezza finally sent me the papers…

My Dear Brother, in as much as God is on our side, we must definitely get there. Please, it is very important and urgent you contact them now and let me know. Bear in mind that the SECURITY COMPANY does not know what is in the consignment it was declared as personal effects and artifacts for security reasons.

I know that, our Good Almighty God will definitely see us through. Remember that with God, all things are possible as we wait upon his divine favor. I promised you that you would never be disappointed at the end of this transaction.

Ah, a fellow Christian brother. He needs to pass my Shibboleth test…

Thank you so much for your perseverance in securing these documents.

I must thank you, and reward you, for your efforts on this matter. I will pass the certificates on to the security company with due haste.

I am glad to hear that you trust in God – what church do you go to? What is your favourite Bible verse?

I look forward to hearing from you soon my brother from another mother.

So, now Mani wants me to pay to receive my consignment…

Please this is your invoice to commence the delivery of your consignment.  We accept 60% downpayment and upon the satisfactory delivery of your consignment we get our balance.This are the rules abiding with the security house

Demurrages———————————–$2330
DeliveryCharges——————————-$610
HandlingCharges——————————$1240
AdministrativeCharge————————–$170
Insurance——————————————-$350
Total————————————————–$4700

Note: funds should be sent through money transfer preferably MONEY GRAM to our payment receiver office in New York. For safety of your payments receiver’s names are changed periodically.

Receiver’s name-  DONALD ROGER
Address- 154th street New York NY,

Amount- $4700

Please get in touch with us by email with the payment information and for any confirmation or enquiries. Also remember to confirm to us your address and full names where the delivery will have to take place

But sending money over the internets is so dangerous. I must have some reassurance…

Many thanks for this. I appreciate your prompt reply. My full postal address is on the Drivers License attached to this email.
I have some criteria that must be met before I transfer this money to you, I have a policy that requires 100 points of ID before wiring money internationally:
1. Photographic ID – Drivers License, Passport – scanned copies are accepatble (40 points).
2. Valid Credit Card in your name – these details will be tested but no charges will be made on the card (20 points).
3. Any work or student Identification issued by an official institution – (20 points).
4. A recent photograph to corroborate the photographic ID supplied – this photograph must be produced on request as a kind of "proof of life" as evidence. The photo should contain a point of reference to this discussion to demonstrate that it is a genuine attempt to prove your identity. (60 points)
5. A phone call – to +61 407 174 734 – during Australian Business Hours – (10 points)
With regards to point 4 – I have spent the morning working with some clients on a new project they are building for their church. It’s called the Exodus 20:15 project – if you choose to provide a photograph then "Exodus 20:15" would be an appropriate reference (it just has to be written on a piece of paper, nothing fancy).
Thank you Mani. I look forward to receiving your information and identity verification before proceeding with this transfer. I have had the appropriate amount (the full fee) transferred to my operations account in order to proceed with payment. I will transfer the full amount at once to waive transaction fees – and because I trust you.

I await his reply.

August 7, 2009

Links from August 6, 2009

August 7, 2009

Separated at birth…

This probably isn’t the most flattering thing I’ll ever write about my father.

But, in watching the West Wing again I am further struck by the often eery similarities both in distinguishing features and facial expressions between dad and Toby Ziegler. There are lots of things that aren’t similar. But sometimes it’s just scary.

I’m just saying…

August 6, 2009

Lava at first sight

Lava lamps are so last century. They were, of course, big in the 80s. I think I’ve actually said somewhere before that I think Lava Lamps were about the pinnacle of human innovation in the 20th century.

Sadly, they could have been invented centuries beforehand had people not been so reliant on electricity. See, all you need is heat, waxy stuff and coloured liquid. And the heat, well, it can come from tea light candles… and now you can buy a lava lamp 1680s style…

August 6, 2009

Font wheel drive

Some car loving boffins got together and decided to make a font. That’s right. A font.

Here’s a video.

iQ font – When driving becomes writing / Full making of from wireless on Vimeo.

Here’s the font.

August 6, 2009

Links from August 5, 2009

August 6, 2009

Ten plagues for all your houses…

One of the other things I may miss out on this Sunday if pain persists and I’ve seen the doctor is my role in our puppet driven kid’s talks at church.

That would be sad. I have been enjoying being Ernie. As in Bert and Ernie. Children like puppets. It’s a fact.

Children also need to learn about the plagues in Egypt. Because that’s important. Sadly this has been difficult to achieve with puppets. Until now. I give you the “Plague Puppets” courtesy of some Hebrew children’s resource site (perfect for your Old Testament needs)…

August 5, 2009

Cardboard Boxing

I like pugilistic endeavours. I haven’t really gotten into the whole Ultimate Fighter thing. But I would (watching not participating). If I thought my wife would let me… that’s neither here nor there.
Did you know that there’s a “Cardboard Tube Fighting Championship“… no? Well now you do – thanks to here. And it looks awesome. Here’s the official site. Anybody want to organise one in Townsville?


August 5, 2009

Toby’s Mac

Macs are cool. I don’t have mine yet, but already I know this.

I’m playing with Robyn’s now. And I like it. But this belief has been reinforced by a day watching the West Wing (starting from Series 1) – one of the perks of sickness.

I had never noticed this before. But Sam and Toby both write their speeches on Macs. How cool is that.

For all of those people thinking that this title was a reference to Christian music – you were wrong.

August 5, 2009

Putting things in perspective

I am, depending on swine flu, preaching this Sunday morning. I’m doing the fourth woe in Matthew 23. I’m going to use this video as an illustration. If I’m allowed out of bed.

Oh yeah, the doctor said it was too early to diagnose me clinically yet. So I have to wait to see if it gets worse.

Here’s the passage.

“23 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 24 You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.”

August 5, 2009

Blogology

I’ve been, as a result of some ill conceived posts in the last couple of weeks, and heated debates here and elsewhere, rethinking my approach to blogging. A little. Not a lot.

My problems involve a gap in my understanding of this blog and its function, and my approach to posting my thoughts and opinions.

Izaac is experiencing similar reservations much earlier in his blogging career. I’d like to prolong that career as long as possible, because I enjoy reading his thoughts and opinions.

To start with – I repent of the times when I have not been loving in the comments. It’s easy to forget that there’s no non-verbal communication at play and that other people own their opinions and positions much more vehemently than I may.

I love discourse, discussion and argument. I love the free and frank exchange of ideas and opinions. What I don’t love is snide pedantry, discussion free of warmth, and comments just for the purpose of disagreement. Wise people whose company I enjoy most in the real world have indicated that I’m not as pleasurable here as in the real world – both in comments here, and elsewhere. One such person made a comment that offering sarcasm and objections without solutions is pretty hollow. I agree. I was convicted by that. And I think commenters here should be too.

Another person suggested that I need to be more careful that I don’t come across as an arrogant chauvinist. These comments both came from people I love and respect – so thanks guys.

It’s also becoming increasingly apparent that not all of my readers know me in the real world – and that’s exciting on some levels, but also scary. Because observers looking at some of my arguments in comments here and elsewhere may not be aware of the real world relationships at play. It’s just something else for me to be mindful as I write, and others to be mindful as they read.

But, the onus for fixing this “problem” does not rest solely on me…

You, dear readers (and commenters), have a job to do too.

1. Understand the medium.
This is a blog. It until very recently was a blog that bore my name, and as such could not be mistaken for anything but my thoughts and personal opinion. It needs to be read as such. It’s not gospel. It’s often not set in stone. I think of some of my posts as a bit of a journal tracking my thoughts, or an opportunity to flesh out my thoughts. I’m more than happy for you to engage, debate and discuss… but if you insult or annoy me it’s likely that I’ll respond defensively.

2. Play nice
I was pretty horrified a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned the oversharing saga on Facebook and one of my friends jokingly took another non-mutual friend to task for their lengthy response.
I’d like to think that the many people who come here would pay each other a certain degree of courtesy.

The blogosphere is a wonderful place – and it’s great for sharing ideas, meeting new people, networking, etc. But in every society there must be “rules”… Communicate Jesus has a list of “rules” that Desiring God (John Piper’s blog) uses to moderate discussion. I don’t really like them. They won’t really work here because I’m happy for people to do many of the things it rules out (commenting off topic, self promotion etc).

But I have one rule to propose. I am happy for people to disagree with what I have to say. I love discussing things. I don’t like constant negativity. I recognise that I will often say things that need to be disagreed with.

Also, given that my wife, and one of my sisters, are now blogging here occasionally (and I’m happy to throw open the doors to other people who express an interest in posting from time to time) I’m going to treat being nasty to them pretty seriously as is my want as a husband and brother…

So I’m instituting this rule:

If you are going to engage in commenting here you must write one encouraging comment for every two negative comments.

I’m not going to enforce this strictly. It would be too hard to police. But if I do notice a string of negativity I’m just going to edit your comments (because I have that power) to make them say really nice things about me. Or delete them.

Your thoughts? How can we make the online world – and this neck of the woods – a nicer place? What would make you comment more often?

August 5, 2009

Clocking Off

Clocks
Like the Mario thing I have heaps of clocks and watches just waiting to be posted, so here they all are at once…

The Mississippi Clock – available from Amazon – counts the passing of time in the traditional.

Or how about the whiteboard clock – a clock that allows you to jot down appointments so that you don’t forget.

This one takes the whiteboard clock concept to a new level. It automatically wipes out the past…

Some people get up so early that they need to callibrate their eyes. This test pattern wall clock should help…

Sometimes when you wake up you want to be alert quickly, and alarmed, this pneumatic alarm clock will do the trick…

This digital “black and white” clock is digital technology taken to a whole new level. And it’s pretty awesome.

Digital clock: only figures, no case, only the necessary – only accurate time. Each figure has self-contained power supply and independent control, it can be fixed to any surface autonomously. A light sensor will switch the clock to an invert mode: the figures are white in the dark time of day and black at daytime.

Watches

Here’s a spherical pocket watch of awesome.

The problem with the myriad social networks available to divert and distract is finding the right time to use each… that’s no longer a problem with this social networking watch.

Look mum, no hands. This is a ground breaking moment in clock technology… Blue for hours, red for minutes.

August 5, 2009

Unblocking the queue

Thanks to the awesome power of Google Reader I have a stack of things (more than 200) that I have the best intentions to post.

Sometimes these build up, and as you’ll no doubt note from the post of Mario stuff, and the post of clocks, they are often variations of a theme.

This post is all about Tetris. Enjoy.

The perfect Tetris fit out requires perfect Tetris cushions…

Like these…

These Tetris shelves are part of a bigger collection from a pretty clever design firm. They’re the almost perfect modular storage system…

Tetris is so good that it’s captured the heart, minds and skin of fans.

There’s also this salt and pepper shaker created by this clever Flickr user.

Credit for finding these gems must go to Walyou.

August 5, 2009

Super Mario Art

There’s a whole lot of awesome Super Mario Bros stuff out there just waiting to be posted.

To save myself some of the trouble I’m going to compile it all into one post.

Found here.

This vibrating Mushroom Cushion ($US11.99) will give new life to your room.

This Etsy user has a whole stack of bed spreads and other 8 bit inspired manchester.

A game is only as good as its collection of villains. Here’s someone’s take on how the bad guys were cast…

Obviously Super Mario Bros was a good game. And much more entertaining than that video. Good enough to inspire this sort of street art…

Or these sorts of incredibly painful tattoos…

And this sort of painstaking dedication to converting things into Japanese artwork…

This, for those not familiar with the whole Mario thing, is someone’s attempt to get everything turned into a handy graphical representation of a family tree – you can get a bigger version here.

And finally, this is a shirt laying down the life lessons learned from a life playing Mario games…

August 5, 2009

Sticking around

Sticky tape. It’s so versatile. If I’m not using it to hold broken things together – I’m using it for some sort of nefarious inter-office purposes.

You could be using the power of stickytape for so much more. Like inter-office football tournaments. You can buy a roll of this here, and check out the guy who designed it (and the second roll of "frame" tape too)…

August 5, 2009