Tag: How To

How I write complaint letters

You may, if you’re a regular reader, be wondering what became of my complaints to Cadbury and Jetstar.

Well.

Cadbury sent me a voucher for $5 to spend on Turkish Delight and Jetstar sent me $100 to spend on my next flight.

This complaint letter thing is fun and rewarding.

Here are my six tips for writing a complaint letter that gets read…

  1. Establish a connection with the company – tell them that you’re familiar with the product you’re complaining about. Being a regular customer who is sold on the brand will give you credibility with the reader – and make them want to help you out.
  2. Find the right person to contact – for the Cadbury one I phoned Cadbury rather than using an anonymous web form, for the Jetstar one I emailed it directly to the Customer Service manager as well as posting it. The more senior the person you address the letter to the better.
  3. Give good details – tell the reader exactly what your experience was from start to finish. Set the scene. Help them to pinpoint the nature of your complaint.
  4. Use the right tone – be polite – don’t complain about rudeness by being rude. Try using humour – it’ll make your letter different to the hundreds of other letters they receive. Be memorable.
  5. Have a call to action – give the company some recourse – let them know what you expect in return for your letter. Do you want a reply detailing what went wrong and what they’ll do to fix it? Do you want a refund? You won’t get exactly what you want without asking for it.
  6. Be contactable – give good details for follow up – you won’t get free stuff if the company doesn’t know where to send things.

Those are the things I do – how ’bout you? What are your tips for writing complaint letters that bear fruit.

How to not get caught cheating

It’s a sad indictment on the state of our cultural morality that most techblogs I subscribe to are using the Tiger Woods infidelity story as an opportunity to help their readers not get caught cheating*. Because, you know, it’s so much harder these days with all the avenues of monitoring people. What if a photo gets put on Facebook? What if you forget to delete incriminating messages.

Here’s how to not get caught cheating in one easy step.

Step 1. Don’t cheat.

It’s that simple. It also works for not getting caught doing all sorts of wrong things. “Do not commit adultery” is one of the Ten Commandments for a reason. It’s not a nice thing to do. You probably shouldn’t. If by chance you’ve googled “how to not get caught cheating” and arrived here – think twice. If you’ve googled it, and arrived here, and you’ve already cheated, go to step 2.

The best way to avoid the surrounding furore, in the event that you fail in achieving step 1 is to take step 2…

Step 2. If you do cheat, confess.

That way the media/everyone you know doesn’t have a field day at your expense. And they don’t feel like they have to dig through your dirty laundry. Full disclosure is the best PR policy.

*I won’t link to the articles – they’re dumb and I don’t want to help anybody in this pursuit – unless you’re cheating at cards… I’m ok with that… unless it’s for money…

How to man hug

Man hugs are pretty awesome. I’ve just been thinking about the furore surrounding the Poe’s Law breach that occured with that Christian Side Hug rap video. It turns out the video was serious – but the origin of the concept was satire.

It used to be that in order for heterosexual males to demonstrate man to man affection they had to engage in play fighting or wrestling. This was a little too subtle. The key to a good, unambiguous piece of man to man affection is to send the right signals during the hug.

This is accomplished using the obligatory three taps, or firm pats, on the back of both parties to the hug. In a group hug – say the hug that comes when celebrating a goal in soccer – these pats are not necessary.

The three pats are said to be non verbal communication for “I’m not gay”… but they are in fact an act of manly testosterone fueled but properly directed aggression.

Here is the rule for hugging expressed in haiku.

Remember fellas
For a successful man hug
Just back slap three times

This easy Japanese poem is the key to more expressive man to man relationships.

That is all.

How to not die

I would like to live a long healthy life. Here is a list of activities I should avoid – that you should too – if you also want to live long lives.

  1. Drive the biggest 4WD you can find.
  2. Don’t ride a quad bike.
  3. Don’t cycle or run on public roads.
  4. Don’t get a pilot’s license as a hobby.
  5. Avoid groups of intoxicated men.

There are more. What are your tips for avoiding an untimely death?

How to get the quilt cover on the quilt…

It seems that despite my wife’s protestations to the contrary I am not the only person in the world who struggles with this activity.


Folding:
How To Put On A Duvet Cover

Google Reader tips #1

I love Google Reader. You should too. Ali recently mentioned that returning to Google Reader after a holiday can be a bit overwhelming. Especially if you sign up for hundreds of feeds.

Here’s my hot tip. Which might be obvious to many of you. If you are drowning in an unread sea switch to “list view” using the link on the top right of your screen. Scroll through the headings, click the interesting ones, star the ones you want to save and then click “Mark all as read”…

You’ll save much time and energy.

I only started doing this this week. It has saved me a lot of wasted time already. I commend it to you.

That is all.

How to find a new favourite band

I really like Muse. I have for years. They’re at that stage though where so many people like them that it’s not cutting edge any more. And if there’s one thing I like being it’s cutting edge… Even my sisters like them now. Despite years of complaining when I played them back when I was living at home… it happened with Powderfinger too. And I probably would have liked U2 once… while it’s sad that my musical taste is so dependent on the taste of others, that’s not the point of this post.

How do you find a new favourite band? I found this post via some bookmarking service (Digg, or Reddit, or What’s hot in Google Reader – I can’t remember which). You can use mathematics to find a new band. And the results look promising.

“Now let’s see. I take a sample of 215 bands including those on top of the Billboard 200 (who are these people?) and calculate an average number of plays per each listener (via last.fm data). All things equal, the higher the average, the the more devoted the band’s fans are.”

Then you graph it…

“Each red dot is a band. Y-axis represents the total number of the band’s listeners, the x-axis represents the average number of listens per each band’s fan, the blue line is the “alien average”. The swarm in the left bottom corner is the “moshpit of doom” – your band is nothing special in the public’s eyes if you are there.”

If a band has a huge amount of listeners then it probably appeals to some common human emotion and everybody can enjoy their songs. If a band has little listeners, but plays per listener (PPL) rate is high, it must mean the band was able to appeal to some sort of less common emotion and the higher the PPL the harder it is to substitute the band by some other band.

This is a graph using Coldplay as the base…

And here’s how you find the music you should try out…

The things you can do with technology…

How to fit in at a pentecostal church

Everyone knows, that apart from my wife, all the really good looking Christian girls go to pentecostal churches.

If you’re a young man hoping to lure a princess away from the Pentecostal Castle to a more moderately expressive church then you need to know how to fit in on your covert visits.

This video will help…

Via David Ould.

Review: How To Rob A Bank

The full title – How To Rob A Bank: And Ten Tips To Actually Get Away With It.

Coming in at the perfect length (an hour and 12 minutes) this bank robbery caper would have been incredibly cheap to produce – it’s the movie Phone Booth would have been if it was a bank robbery comedy, only it’s got the recently departed David Carradine as the mastermind on the other end of the phone rather than Keither Sutherland (thanks Kutz).

It’s clever, entertaining, and beautifully shot. The script keeps things moving, the jokes are well executed. It’s not long so it’s worth a watch.

The ten tips – for those wondering… (with some slight language modifications)…

  1. Decide to rob a bank.
  2. Have a plan.
  3. Have a back-up plan.
  4. Establish clear communications.
  5. Choose your partners carefully.
  6. Expect the unexpected.
  7. Stuff happens.
  8. Don’t get greedy.
  9. Remember, stuff happens.
  10. Hang up and know when to walk away

Mr Fix It

If you’re handy(wo)manning skills aren’t up to scratch and you need some inspiration check out There, I fixed it. It’s truly inspirational.

How to get media attention for your location

I’ve spent the last 3 and a half years trying to get Townsville positive news coverage around the globe. It’s a great place. It’s worth publicising. But, this morning I had an epiphany. Here’s an easy 3 step process to get your home town/city/village some positive media coverage.

1. Win Miss Universe Australia
2. Visit your home town
3. Turn up at your old job at McDonalds with cameras in tow

It’s that simple.

Photography Tips: For extreme beginners

The Interwebs are full of photography tutorials. Most of them are pretty awesome and slightly advanced. Which sucks if you need some sort of remedial tips. Luckily Latvian Ivars Gravlejs is here to help with a series of very simple photography tips for the very simple.

 

20 creativity insights from the brain behind the “best job in the world” campaign

Today I had the pleasure of enjoying lunch with an advertising “guru” – he doesn’t like that term –  so lets call him a leading marketing executive – the CEO of CumminsNitro – Sean Cummins.

He’s the man behind Virgin Blue’s marketing (and indeed their “brand”), the Tourism Queensland Best Job in the World Campaign and other interesting things.

He spoke for four hours in two functions today and I’m going to try to focus on the interesting bits. Things that may be beneficial if you’re thinking about marketing, branding or strategy… I know that lists are great blog fodder – so here we go… (this is basically my notes from the functions). These are in chronological order not order of significance – but I think the most important idea for me was that creativity is not airy fairy – it’s a discipline. Then, shortly behind, was the idea that “genius comes from the prolific” which actually came from Einstein.

  1. There are a whole lot of ads out there shot exactly the same way – and he gave an example of “weird stuff happening on streets” from gerbils in running wheels to walking ATMS – he put together a two minute clip of bits from all these ads in a seamless montage. Finding a point of difference includes the style of your campaign – not just the substance of your product.
  2. We are in the throes of the greatest change in advertising ever – so much so that the man at the helm of one of Australia’s most highly regarded companies told a small business that asked a question to think hard before advertising. Ask if you need to advertise at all.
  3. There’s an old quote from a guy from Proctor and Gamble that says “I know 50% of my marketing works, I just don’t know which half.”
  4. Advertising has traditionally focused on a “push” philosophy where the seller “pushes” their messages onto the buyer – social networking and the changing community mentality means that it’s moved to a “pull” model where people choose what brands to hold dear and pull them to themselves.
  5. The concept of your branding being your logo essentially died when Nike became known for sweatshops –  your brand is what you’re known for, not your recognisable logo. Your brand is more than your logo – it is perhaps best defined as your “aura”.
  6. “The last bastion of the creative scoundrel is to change your logo”…
  7. Being successful in understanding markets and selling products means being an investigative journalist and researching trends and vibes rather than capturing a fleeting moment of creativity and hoping it resonates.
  8. Test things with focus groups – have people who will give you blunt, realistic feedback.
  9. Don’t sell anything off a negative. Find a positive. Don’t sell the reef on the basis that the reef might one day not be here – it opens up an in for lobby groups and the competition.
  10. Paul Hogan once captured the consumer’s intention best (and the way to sell things) when he said you don’t invite people to your house to see the furniture. People are after authentic experiences and interactions – not an icon or postcard perfect photo.
  11. When you’re selling something strategy is more important than substance – you don’t come to a client with an idea for an ad but a strategy.
  12. Sometimes tighter deadlines produce tighter results – “give me an hour and I’ll produce a more pithy campaign than if I’m given a month”…
  13. If a proposition or proposal has the word and in it it’s not single minded.
  14. Twittering is like sponsored stalking.
  15. The movie Australia was an artifice – with no buy in for tourism whatsoever – tacking a $60 million campaign on the end was a gross error in judgment.
  16. Sometimes we need to stop making sense and start acting on ideas to see how far they can go.
  17. Develop a creative habit – or a methodology and discipline for creativity. Figure out how and where you best come up with ideas. Where do you think your clearest. Don’t keep a notepad by your bed (unless writing down your spontaneous ideas helps you get to sleep). Dreams are not when we are at our most lucid. Set a rigid routine around your creativity.
  18. Einstein said “genius comes from the prolific” the more of something you do the more likely you are to get better at it and produce a flash of brilliance. Songwriters may write their biggest hit in five minutes but it will take a lifetime of discipline to produce the ability to do so.
  19. When you’re communicating an idea try to find a one word summary. Consider how you’d explain it when grabbing an innocent bystander on the street – the longer you take the more freaked out they become.
  20. For complex ideas write the concept out in full and then prune. Remove the unnecessary fluff until you’re left with your substance. Follow the epithet “say it straight then say it great” in order to ensure you’re communicating the essence of your idea.

Nacho, Nacho Man…

Homer Simpson spawned a legacy of men wishing they could wear their dinner on their heads with such panache.

Well now you can. Thanks to this little tutorial all things are possible.

How to make Sizzler’s Cheese Toast

It’s winter. Winter in our house means soup. Soup needs bread. The best bread for soup is Sizzler’s Cheese Toast. The best cheese toast is the stuff you make at home. Here’s a handy guide to making Sizzler’s Cheese Toast at home.

I was a Sizzler employee for some 16 months and gleaned some little bits and pieces of information that will make emulating the trademark toast possible (though it’s never quite as good).

I took these photos with my iPhone so they’re a bit grainy.

Ingredients

  • Frozen thick cut bread – and I mean really thick cut… doorstop style
  • Enough butter – softened but not melted to put a 2mm thick spread on each piece of bread you intend to cook (Sizzler’s website says they use margarine).
  • Parmesan Cheese (quantity depends on how cheesy you like things). I used 200g of powdered Parmesan with 500g of butter. You can also make acceptable “pan bread” by skipping the cheese, if you don’t like Parmesan.
  • A frypan heated to around 160 degrees

Directions

  1. Keep the bread frozen at all times prior to cooking – this is seriously important.
  2. Mix/beat/stir the Parmesan cheese into the butter until you have a smooth paste with an even texture.
  3. Spread the butter/cheese mix on the bread – and when done put it back in the freezer, you might think it’s a good idea to store them butter sides together in the freezer. It’s not. Your best bet is to separate them with greaseproof paper.
  4. Heat the fry pan – use either a non stick pan or a pan treated with some sort of cooking spray – oil and butter are out, they’ll throw out the balance. You want a moderate heat, the bread is thawing on the pan and you want the cheese to be a golden colour. I’ve settled on about 160 degrees on the electric frypan and three quarter power on the stove.
  5. Put the frozen bread spread side down on the pan.
  6. Cook the bread on one side until the uncooked side is thawed, squishy to touch, and slightly warm.
  7. Your cheesy toast should now be ready.
  8. Repeat.