Gripping conclusion: Dr Paul and Miss Anna Mensah

Short of things to write about (well other than the queue of things that will fill the RSS feed and Curiosities column in coming days) – I thought I’d give you the conclusion of the Dr Paul saga – from the email point of view – you’ve heard the final phone call already…

After that phone call he sent me one last email, or so he thought…

“Dear.

Thank you very much for our phone discuss today. my friend am try to let you no my explantion but you are go head talking too much.. but my friend all this you are doing will not help you our. my friend just do what i told you very thing will being ok. but if you done want to do that will can stop this deliver.

Thanks

Dr Paul”

He’s still so polite, and after I’d been so rude. But I could tell he wasn’t going to send me a photo – so it was time to play hardball… This response is perhaps “truth with love” – tough love…

It’s too late Dr Paul. You are a criminal. You are trying to catch me in a Western Union Advance Fee Fraud. I am not stupid. Your unwillingness to provide a simple request proves that you are not to be trusted. 

I have told you the conditions under which I will continue the transaction. The ball is in your court.

If you’re not willing to do this then you are a scammer. A criminal. A thief.

You know what my favourite bible verse really is. Exodus 20:15. Though shall not steal.

You are not a very good scammer. Is this your first time? Has anybody ever given you money before? You are low. You are lower than a snake. I can’t believe anyone would be convinced by you – you can’t even get your name straight.

I will be putting your name all over the internet and approaching Yahoo to close your account – I hope I have wasted much of your time and prevent you stealing money from other victims.

A good scammer would have provided the small piece of evidence requested by their target.

You know what you really need. Jesus. Read the Bible. Leave your life of stealing money from innocent people and get a real job. Stop your deceit. Stop your stealing. Repent. You know what waits for unrepentant sinners – the eternal fires of hell.

Jesus loves you – he died for you. Even though you’re a thief and a liar who has no doubt stolen money from many innocent people with your little act.

Probably not the best piece of relational evangelism ever – and that’s when he rang me to call me stupid (the final phone call)…

Perhaps strangest of all was some sort of tag team strategy that Dr Paul began at that time. The “incompetent boss strategy”…

Welcome Ms Anna Mensah, Dr Paul’s much maligned secretary:

“Dear.Mr.Nathan Campbell

It is my pressure to contact you base on the information I got on your fund in Bank Of Ghana. I am Ms. Anna Mensah a personal secretary to Dr. PAUL ACQUAH Governor of the Bank of Ghana. I saw your file on my boss desk, is among three beneficiaries their fund have been

approved as part payment of US$15.7 million in this second quarter of this fiscal year 2009.

However, in your file you have 1% of the total amount of your money, a bill of KNOW YOUR CUSTOMER (KYC) to pay before your fund will be credited into your nominated account. I know too well that for the sake of what you have passed through in the hands of impostors and some corrupt bank officials in the course of getting your long overdue payment, you will not

like to pay any other money upfront.

To this effect Sir, I will like to introduce to you a financier who is very close to Bank of Ghana that will see the release of your fund and pay all the outstanding bill that have been with-holding the release of your fund and he will take 20% of the total money.

Sir, this information is between you and I, if you accept this offer your long overdue fund will hit your nominated account in less than a week pending on how fast you and financier are working out things. I will be waiting to hear your urgent response.

Yours sincerely
Ms. Anna Mensa”

Well, at this stage Nathaniel McIntosh Campbell was on his Christian high horse, and had had enough of this Dr Paul character who wouldn’t provide the photo he was asked for…

“Hi Miss Anna Mensah, 

You need to go back to secretarial school – you can’t even spell your own name.

Unfortunately your boss is a liar and a criminal. I hope he pays you – he won’t pay me, and he certainly won’t provide me with the proof that I have asked for the legitimacy of this deal.

I have no reason to believe that this is not a bunch of lies that you two are spinning in order to steal my 1% payment of the money I won’t ever receive. You ask me to trust you with a payment but you won’t trust me with a photo.

Unrepentant liars go to hell Ms Mensa(h). Remember that. I hope you don’t often steal money from innocent people. “

Yeah. Cop that. After the final phone call I wrote to Anna again, with a bit more carrot, and a bit less stick…

Dear Ms Anna,
I would like to make a formal complaint about the conduct of your superior – Dr Paul Acquah – he has been quite rude to me, he has hurt my feelings, and his customer service was extremely poor. Could you direct me to another employee who can take on my case and pass my feedback on to his boss?
I really think international clients should be treated with more respect. He was abrasive, he did not listen to me and he refused to comply with my requests.
I trust you will act discretely on this matter.
Thanks.
Nathaniel McIntosh Campbell

Perhaps Ms Anna will be the one to come through for me…

Dear.Mr.Nathan
I acknowledge the receipt of your mail. I have noted your words and believe that you will stand on it. how are you my good friend. my friend all you have to do now that you have send me all this infromation so will can start this transfer. my friend i done like the way you talk to me on frist email you sent to me before, but because of love i have on you i will help you.This is the information onbelow you have to send it down fast.
1. YOUR MOBILE
2. YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS
3. ANY OF YOU ID CARD
I am waiting for your responde.
Yours Sincerely
Ms Anna Mensah

Now, I’m not stupid. Some people are worried that these guys are dangerous – and with good reason. I’m unlikely to give them my address or any copies of my ID unless I can be certain that they’re legit. Like the guy in Flight of the Conchords… Sadly, Miss Anna’s love is unrequited.

Dear Miss Mensah, 

I will not be providing any of these details until I am sure you are not criminals. You must do several things for me before I provide those details:

1. Advise what action will be taken against Dr Paul.

2. Provide me a piece of identification – and a separate photograph to collaborate your identity – this photo must be produced to prove to me that you are not either Dr Paul in disguise or a criminal scammer. I would like you to send me a photo of you holding a sign that says "Exodus 20:15".

3. Provide me a written apology from Dr Paul for delaying this transaction through incompetence and being unwilling to meet the set parameters.

Once you have done these things I will send you my address.

Dr Paul has my mobile number – as you have my file on my desk this shouldn’t be a problem.

I live in Cairns, Queensland, Australia.

I will not send you my identification until I can be sure you are who you say you are. You are requesting me to send you money – the onus is on you to prove your identity not on me to prove mine.

Once you have established that trust we can do business.

I told them I’m in Cairns. They need the boost in international tourism that will come from a squad of angry African scammers…

I haven’t heard back from either of them since.

I do have a couple of other scammers on the go – I’ve had to start up a second email account though just to be on the safe side.

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.