Who wants to be a millionaire

I mentioned my impending economic influx the other day. I have, in the last three days – won a Chinese Lottery (courtesy of Toyota), been approached by a man from Ghana (who I’ve since spoken to on the phone a couple of times) to take care of some mysterious money, and been offered a share of $15 million from a merchant banker in the UK.

Good times.

I am determined to get my John 3:16 photo by any means – so I also created a new email account and went back to one of the scammers with an offer to take part in a global photography shoot for a Christian organisation.

Here’s what I sent to the British banker…

1st Email

Thankyou for your email dated Monday 29/06/2009.

Unfortunately, at this time, I am unable to help out with your transaction.

I am far too busy with my business to be able to help at this time.

I am busy with a major global contract – and you may actually be able to assist me. I have been contracted to find appropriate modelling talent from around the world to take part in a photo shoot for a major Christian coalition. The budget is large and models will be paid 10,000 GBP for the ongoing rights to the photos.

I am looking for people from countries around the world to participate – would you know any suitable talent in Scotland?

Please ask them to contact me directly. They do not have to be traditional "model" type people – we want, wherever possible, to feature normal people.
Please advise if you may know of anybody.
Regards,

Nathan

2nd Email

Hi Steven, I just wanted to touch base with you after the email I sent you a couple of days ago. As I mentioned, I am looking for people to appear in a photo shoot I am conducting around the globe. I may not have been completely clear with my instructions or details.

We want to produce a montage of images featuring faces of people from around the globe holding placards featuring popular bible verses. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe the Bible – we just want a mix of nationalities and demographics.

We are paying 10,000 pounds to each model for the image rights and ongoing commercial reproduction of these images. If you are interested could you send a sample photo to this address including yourself holding such a placard.

Feel free to pass it on to your friends and family. We are looking for many models so your assistance would be appreciated. We would be happy to consider a finders fee.

Regards,

Nathan

I’ve engaged with correspondence with him from a new email account I set up for that very purpose. He has responded there, but not to my requests. Curious.

The Toyota deal comes with a free car – but I also have to set up a bank account in China – this will no doubt be where I have to fork out dollars.

The UN also contacted me about some sort of payment – but the account belonging to the UN staff member has since been closed. He did, however, ask me to contact a Reverend. So I did.

Dear Reverend Hedges,
Greetings in the name of the Lord.
Our friend Captain James Williams has contacted me regarding the release of funds owing in my name.
He has asked me to contact you with some odd details. I trust that you, as an ordained minister of the Lord, will be able to allay my concerns when it comes to the details requested.
Why do you require information about my home equity situation, why is a PO Box not acceptable? These seem like strange requests.
I am confident that representatives of the UN will always act in good faith.
I look forward to hearing from you so that I can conclude this transaction as soon as possible.
The money will be most welcome by the Christian charities I intend to support.
I trust, brother, that you will respond promptly.

I will share my adventures with my “phone-a-friend” – Dr Paul – upon their conclusion. I’ve wasted about 15 minutes of his time and hopefully cost him some telephone credit in the process. I have asked him to provide a John 3:16 photo.

But my friend Mr Chan has to provide something slightly different.

Thank you for your email. Things are much clearer now. I look forward to receiving the funds – what makes you think that having received the totality of the funds I will pay you your share?

That seems very trusting.

Do we need to enter some sort of contractual agreement to ensure I don’t keep all of it?

I would like to receive some sort of evidence that you are "on the level" – perhaps a photo of you holding a note to me would be appropriate, along with a copy of some identification. I believe this is the best way to approach "proof".

Two photos that corroborate your identity along with something that proves you are responding to my request (the note) seems like the easiest way to prove your identity.
It needs to be a photo that you won’t be able to find readily on the Internet. So the note should contain something that would only have been produced at my request.

I watched Transformers 2 last night. Perhaps you could hold a sign that says "Robot in Disguise".

I look forward to receiving your next correspondence. Please forward through the requirements for setting up an account with a private bank.

I’m hopeful the Transformers theme will be easier to accommodate for these unbelieving heathen.

The author

Nathan runs St Eutychus. He loves Jesus. His wife. His daughter. His son. His other daughter. His dog. Coffee. And the Internet. He is the campus pastor at Creek Road South Bank, a graduate of Queensland Theological College (M. Div) and the Queensland University of Technology (B. Journ). He spent a significant portion of his pre-ministry-as-a-full-time-job life working in Public Relations, and now loves promoting Jesus in Brisbane and online. He can't believe how great it is that people pay him to talk and think about Jesus.