I’m not really a LOLer. But I thought I’d jump on Ben’s word creating bandwagon. This morning. As I read this post where Ben recounts an incident that led to him receiving the cane in primary school. I snort laughed out loud (SLOL). In a lecture.
That’s the picture that goes with the post. Ben has more reason to hate U2 than I do.
A little while ago now I shared with you this picture from my Nigerian friend Ikenna. I promised to tell you the story behind the picture – and at that stage I was hoping he would provide me with the long awaited John 3:16 photo. But it was not to be. Our conversations have become cold and distant of late – he barely even replies to my emails and when he does they are monosyllabic requests for money. I don’t pay these guys in advance, or indeed upon production of the goods.
For the record:
1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Ikenna first contacted me in April. His first email is included in full below – you might be interested to know that I don’t have an official church website, but I had, in previous correspondence with a couple of other scammer accounts suggested that I worked for a church that was looking for mission partners overseas. These scammers often try to pull theological heartstrings – and I figured they were more ripe for supplying me with a Bible verse themed photo. Here’s what my friend Kenny had to say:
“I am a regular visitor to your church official website and i must acknowledge that your church, from what i read from your website is worth joining and i also wish you can come down here to open a branch of your church because since i got to know your church i have been looking everywhere for a branch of your church but i could not see it, at least this will give me and some other people the opportunity to worship with you from here.
Since i read about your church in a foreign magazine my friend gave to me, i have always wished to become a member and that is why i am writing you. The zeal to become a member of your church is due to the fact that i am convinced that the establishment of your church is a true vision from God and as such, i wish to also be a part of that vision to enable me improve and grow in my spiritual life.
I will like you to let me know what i am supposed to do to become am member of your church and also i will like you to send me some of your church bulletin or order of your church service to enable me follow up in all your church activities from here. may the good lord bless and keep you safe in HIS hands, i will keep praying for the church and also pray that you will find me worthy to accept my request, Amen.”
Well. This seemed like a pretty good opening. So I replied – sowing the seeds of my little scheme to land the photo, I got straight to the point:
“I am thrilled to hear that you have discovered my church. Where do you live? We are currently looking for mission partners in foreign countries who we will generously support as part of our annual Global Bible Knowathon.
If you would like to be a part of this upcoming prayer and fundraising event please send me a photo of yourself holding a sign with your favourite verse of scripture. This photo will be featured in our mission slideshow and will help us to raise funds for gospel ministry in your country.”
He responded quickly. The thing about friend Kenny is that he was so eager to please:
“I was so happy to hear your reply to my mail to you, i must tell you that i really wish to a part of your church. I live in Nigeria and i’m also a Nigerian. As regards the prayer even, i will like to be part of it. I will send you the photograph as soon as possible so that necessary things procedure can be followed.
Thank you and may the lord bless you, Amen.”
I kept on reeling him in, sensing that I might finally have cracked the scambaiting code:
“I am very excited to hear that you will be a mission partner. Please send me the photo as soon as possible so that we can start supporting you in prayer and petition, and through our weekly mission offering.”
But then I didn’t hear from him for two weeks – so I sent him a reminder:
“Is it at all possible that we might get a photo of you holding a sign with a Bible Reference written on it in time for our church service next Sunday?”
His excuse was that he had been sick, and in hospital.
“Sorry i have not written you to send the picture as promised,i have been very sick and been in the hospital but i promise you this i must get this picture before the sunday you talked about.
Thank you for your concern for me, God will bless you.”
This was the first in a string of emails that he sent me without waiting for my reply. The next one included the photo:
“How are you and your entire members of the church doing? I hope the good lord is taking good care of you all. Here is the picture and the bible quotation ( Revelation Chapter 21 vs 1 to 5), it is my favorite and it makes my heart glad and it also make me remember that God knows about my situation at all time. I run a small shop where i sell used clothes and other household things and that is where i took this picture.
I hope the picture gets a positive considerations. May the good lord be with you all in your exhibition.”
And when I didn’t acknowledge receipt immediately I got this one:
“How are you doing? Hope good.
I sent you my pictures yesterday, i hope you got, if you did, please let me know ok?
May the lord be with you, Amen.”
And then, somewhat impatiently, this one:
“I have not heard from you since i sent you my pictures, what is happening?”
Here is my reply – I didn’t want this fish to get away, so I hit him up for a second photo – this time with John 3:16 involved:
“Sorry I haven’t written back yet. Things have been so very hectic here.
The pictures look great. They will be very useful in our mission services. Please can you send me the details for the transfer of moneys raised.
Also, with those details, could you send me another photo with John 3:16 as the Bible reference – “For God so loved the world, that he sent his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”.
Could you underline the words “loved the world” – we believe this shows the importance of mission work.
Once again – thank you so much for your partnership in this matter. May you be blessed richly and abundantly through our friendship.
I apologise again for not replying to you.”
He responded, promising to deliver the goods:
“It’s so good to hear from you today, i must tell you that i was beginning to get worried over your silence since i sent the pictures. How did the service go? Did your church accept the pictures and the quotations? You asked me to give you details for you to send me money, how did the money come about? Please let me know in your mail but for the records, My full names are Ikenna Ukaigwe M. my address is [WITHHELD].
The pictures you asked me to send again, what will it be used for, please tell me, but i will send them ok? Please let me hear from you soon, i will be waiting, may the good lord bless and keep you and the members of your church, Amen.”
I had hopes. This was a bite, not a nibble. So I pulled out all the stops. I asked for personal details:
“I must apologise for the delay.
The money has not been collected yet – it will be collected in a service in two weeks time. Our mission service.
The pictures were acceptable – especially the one with you smiling. You look very happy in that photo, brother.
Brother, the pictures will be used in our mission book to be given to people for praying for other Christians around God’s wonderful creation. We will use your picture on the inside page, the John 3:16 picture will be on the cover of the book.
I will also need you to answer the following questions for a profile inside the book:
Your Name.
Your Age.
What church you are a part of in your home country.
How you became a Christian.
What you do for work.
What you do for fun.
Things that we, in Sydney, can pray for for you, in Nigeria
I look forward to learning more about you brother.”
Then disaster struck. Ikenna got “sick” again:
“I now understand what you mean by sending you the next picture with john 3.16. I want to believe that your church accepted my previous pictures as you said, i sent that picture because i want you and your church to know my best part of the bible but this one is just for the fact that you wish to use my photo for a purpose. I will still send it but i must also apologize for not sending it till now, i have been very sick, but i’m better now.
Expect the pictures and the information’s in my next mail may be tomorrow but brother Bruce i want to believe that my pictures will not be used in anything that will not be to the glory of God.
Thank you and may the good lord bless and keep you all, Amen”
I tried to reassure him:
“We will certainly be using the photos you sent me as indicated, the John 3:16 one is what we’re asking everybody involved from around the world to provide. We want their favourite verse and a John 3:16 one. Sorry I didn’t make this clearer from the beginning.”
And here’s where he pulled the bait-and-switch – asking me to give him money…
“I thank you so much for reassuring me of the use of my picture. But i am having some financial problems in sending you the pictures, my cameras got spoiled last week when my friend took it for a foto shoot, as a result i have prepared the placard with John 3:16 written on it but i have to go out and take this pictures and also scan it before i can send it to you, and this will cost me some money. Can you please help me out in any way.”
I would love to help. Truly. I would. But like any minister I am caught up in the whims of my elders and committees.
“I asked our elders, we can not help you until we have held the mission service, and we can not hold the mission service (to raise funds for you) without the John 3:16 photo.
It is my prayer that you will get this sorted out and that the Lord will provide you with all your labours deserve, and a working camera.”
Ikenna replied:
“I am really sorry for trying to bug the church, i really understand the way things works but i just felt like making a personal appeal on you to help but i didn’t know you will take it to the church, any way, i will see what i can do to make this work but i want you to be sure that i made you a personal appeal and i never intended the church to go against their normal procedures.”
I didn’t want to create any such expectations:
“Sorry Ikenna, I misunderstood. I look forward to receiving the photos. “
It turns out the clothes selling business isn’t great in Nigeria:
“i’m so sorry for not being able to send you the pictures, i am still battling with myself to see that i raise some money to do that, my camera is not yet fixed and things are very tough for me here but hopefully i will send it before this week runs off. i hope it’s not late yet.”
I decided this one had probably run its course – so I put forward a mega-request.
“No, it’s not too late. We run missions collections regularly. As soon as we receive the John 3:16 photo we will be ready to proceed. Oh, and we need your answers to the questions that I sent you for the profile we hand out on the day.
Here they are:
1. Full Name.
2. Date of Birth
3. Where do you live?
4. What is the name of your church?
5. Tell us a little bit about your family.
6. What is your job?
7. What do you enjoy doing with your time?
8. How do you serve your church?
9. What can we pray about for you?
10. What will you do with the money we send you?
And some for our children and youth (they like funny answers)
1. If you could have a special power, what would it be and why?
2. What is your favourite animal?
3. What is the silliest thing you have ever done?
4. How do you know that God loves you?
5. What do people eat for breakfast in your country?
6. What animal would win in a fight – a lion or a rhinoceros?
7. What is your favourite colour?
8. If you see somebody drop $100 on the street do you keep it or give it back?
9. Where is your favourite place to go?
10. If you were God for a day what would you do?
Thanks for your patience Ikenna. We look forward to receiving your photograph. Our last mission collection raised $2,700. People are really enjoying giving generously to our brothers and sisters around the world.”
Kenny stepped up his game too:
“I am still battling with the camera to take and scan the photograph, you may not understand how bad things are for me here but i pray that God will open your eyes to see.
May the name of the lord praise, i believe God can change things for me here.
ukaigwe”
And I sent what would prove to be my last piece of correspondence to Kenny:
“You managed to get the first photo very easily for me, I think you’ll be able to use your initiative to get me this second photo.
I look forward to receiving it so that we as your brothers can do our bit to bring about change in your world.”
If you google Ikenna’s name you’ll find him on Facebook and a couple of other social networks with just a profile picture and no developed legend. He doesn’t really seem like a very competent scammer. Anybody who has read anything about going undercover knows you need a good legend.
This wasn’t my funniest scambait to date – Dr Paul is going to take some beating. But it was my most fruitful.
Brad Towers is the “Lead Vision Caster” for the fictional Ridge View Bible Church – he’s blogging his way through his new career. It’s a journey worth following (Gary has posted links to a few pieces from his blog this week). Here’s a sample – describing his approach on his first Sunday in the job.
“People are going to walk into the sanctuary and it’s going to be pitch black. Suddenly, a beam of light will split the darkness, shining directly onto the worship leader (who I haven’t met yet, but I think his name is Thad). Thad will be playing an electric guitar, and will start playing a guitar lick that sounds like the opening from “Where the Streets Have No Name”.
People will look at each other and be like, “Are we at a U2 concert?”
Then without warning, the band will kick in, and they’ll actually be playing a Chris Tomlin song. At this point people will turn to each other with a knowing smile. They’re not at a U2 concert, this is church, baby!”
More importantly – and here’s one Labor could have paid attention to – is his take on mission statements.
“A mission statement (future leaders, write this down), is like a piece of art or a beautiful symphony. The more you study it, the more you get out of it. It’s not supposed to be hard and fast. You find your own meaning in a mission statement. You create your own mission out of the mission. (That’s an inspirational sentence if I ever wrote one).”
I don’t know what Sous Vide tastes like – but I like the cut of this jib – apparently sous vide cooking is all the rage (using temperature controlled water to cook stuff). I think I’ve seen similar methods on MasterChef. Anyway, Sous Vide cookers will set you back lots of money. A better alternative is to use a beer cooler and little sealable baggies.
So says Kenji Lopez-Alt – the guy who reverse engineered Maccas fries. Here’s an appetite whetter:
“Here’s how it works: A beer cooler is designed to keep things cool. It accomplishes this with a two-walled plastic chamber with an air space in between. This airspace acts as an insulator, preventing thermal energy (a.k.a. heat) from outside to reach the cold food inside. Of course, insulators work both ways. Once you realize that a beer cooler is just as good at keeping hot things hot as it is at keeping cold things cold, then the rest is easy: Fill up your beer cooler with water just a couple degrees higher than the temperature you’d like to cook your food at (to account for temperature loss when you add cold food to it), seal your food in a plastic Ziplock bag*, drop it in, and close your beer cooler until your food is cooked. It’s as simple as that.”
I like this concrete coffee machine – I’ve been toying with the idea of casemodding a two group machine I bought on ebay a few weeks ago (fixing its busted pump is a more pressing priority though…).
Via Yanko Design. It’s just a concept at this stage I believe, nothing concrete…
1. Be an artist.
2. Paint a can of tomato soup.
3. Become famous – perhaps even more famous than the soup. Perhaps even as a result of your painting of said soup.
4. Wait for the soup company to write you a letter with the offer of free soup.
5. Accept the soup.
That’s pretty much what Andy Warhol did.
From Letters of Note (read the transcript there).
They say meat (particularly beef) is less tough if the animal isn’t stressed when it’s killed – and what could be less stressed than a brain-dead undead? That’s right. Zombie Jerky. A new high in the post zompocalypse culinary landscape.
This little beer bottle shaped robot has a nifty secret – his hand is actually a bottle opener.
Stop those drips getting away with this awesome cup and saucer set.
The North Korean football team started the World Cup on such a high note – going down 2-1 to Brazil – that the nation’s cultural apparatchiks decided it would be good for moral if the next game was televised live. North Korean history in the making… but things didn’t go quite to plan. The North Koreans fought valiantly in the first half – but then Portugal put their feet to the North Korean team’s throat – and smashed them 7-0. This was unacceptable. And made Kim Jong Il feel very ronery.
It turns out, by the way, that the North Korean fans who made their way to South Africa were in fact Chinese ring-ins who were paid to be there.
When these players, and their poor coach (who became the fall-guy during the tournament, as players were instructed to blame him for the results – I guess the North Korean administration learned something from the English, Argentinians and most importantly – the French).
Since returning to the Peoples’ Republic of Korea the players and coach have been put through a rigorous process of public shaming at the hands of the nation’s administration. The coach copped the worst of it:
“The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea.
The coach was punished for “betraying” Kim Jong-un – one of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’s sons and heir apparent.”
Julia Gillard is in line (depending on the rest of the election campaign) to be our first elected female prime minister. As far as I can tell the only people more excited than the red heads and the females in the electorate are the atheists – because Gillard is out and proud. She’s not definitely the first atheist PM (as far as the internet is concerned Bob Hawke was an atheist, though he told Denton he’s an agnostic not an atheist). She could well be the first. And I thought there had been a pretty muted response from the Christian community – there were even a couple of great articles (one from John Dickson in the Herald, one from Greg Clarke on the ABC website, and one from Michael Jensen on sydneyanglicans.net) suggesting that it didn’t matter.
But the scaremongering has kicked in in the last few days – and more and more Christians I’m speaking to are expressing concern about the idea that Julia, an atheist, might be running the country. I don’t think that the disendorsed Liberal Candidate from Sydney, David Barker, speaks for all Christians when he says this – but he taps into a scary undercurrent in Christian thinking:
“I’m not anti-Muslim. I believe every one should have their own beliefs,” he said.
“But I don’t know if we want at this stage in Australian politics a Muslim in the Parliament and an atheist running the Government.”
Why don’t the atheists deserve a place in a democratically elected parliament? Shouldn’t the parliament be representative of the electorate. This means 10%, roughly speaking, of our politicians should be atheists. The fact that one rises to the top of their party is a testament to their ability and the faith their colleagues have in their ability to do the job.
I’m wondering at what point people think her atheism will impact her ability to govern. Or her ability to act as the leader of the nation. We don’t have the “Christian heritage” the U.S claims as they ban atheists from holding certain positions in public office. There’s nothing in the Bible that suggests the leaders of our nations should be God fearers (we’re not Israel – despite some people trying to insist that the Old Testament should apply to our legislative body today). The New Testament affirms the government of the day as a government chosen by God – and the Roman empire was perhaps the most anti-Christian regime of all time.
I don’t care that Gillard is an atheist. I care more that she sounds like a character out of Kath and Kim. I’ll weigh up my votes on policy alone. Some of those policy positions may be reached as a basis of the application of my faith. That’s my right as a voter. Even if my vote (which won’t go to Labor at this stage) counts for nothing (or just for one) and Labor retain power I’m not going to sleep poorly knowing that an atheist resides in the lodge. At least she’s open about her beliefs rather than claiming to be a lapsed Anglican – one wonders how much time John Howard has spent in church since losing power.
I think John Dickson’s advice for Christian voters is pretty awesome.
“Christians should be willing to change voting patterns after Christian reflection on particular policies. A believer who cannot imagine voting for the ”other side” has either determined that only one party aligns with the will of God or, more likely, is more attached to their cultural context than to the wisdom of scripture…
…So, what principles guide the Christian vote? First, a Christian vote is a vote for others. It is basic to the Christian outlook that life is to be devoted to the good of others before ourselves. In the political realm, Christians should use whatever influence they have to contribute to others, to ”consider others better” than themselves.”
If Christians are worried about Gillard’s moral compass (using the tired old chestnut that atheists can’t be moral) they should perhaps remember two things – all people, atheist or otherwise, are made in God’s image. I assume that includes some sort of moral compass coexisting with the sinful nature, all people (including Christians) have the capacity to act immorally, and all governments (atheist or otherwise) are provided by God. Even the ones that oppress Christians. We should cherish the opportunity we have to have a say in who rules us – but a vote based on scaremongering, or a “Christian Values Chart” like the one Simone rightly loathes, is a wasted vote.
Hemant “The Friendly Atheist” Mehta questioned the ethics of atheists offering post-rapture pet care (featured here previously, there’s also a post-rapture greeting card service). I didn’t think anybody would pay money for that service – but I misunderestimated the psyche of the American survivalist.
Most atheists in the thread (and I agree) believe the practice is ethical – it is not based on trickery, but rather the application of probability based on one’s presuppositions about the existence of God.
I don’t want to let the atheists languish in this position of being the only people offering post-rapture services. So I am launching the “Lazarus Scheme” based on Luke 16 (see below for some key bits).
For a paltry sum of $5 I will try my darndest to put in a good word for any willing atheists at judgment day. For just $10 I will even memorise a list of your five best good deeds and I will, if the opportunity arises, put them forward in your defence.
Payment Methods
I will accept direct debit payments, and potentially PayPal – but at this stage, payment should be arranged by making email contact (using the email link in the header of this page). I will email you a receipt that will double as a certificate of participation.
Disclaimer:
Let me say, right from the bat, that I have some theological misgivings about this offer – because I don’t think that when the time comes I’ll be able to perform my offered duty, nor do I think it will actually effect the outcome of proceedings on judgment day. I am a protestant (Presbyterian) theological student, I hope to have been a minister of religion for some time by the time judgment day comes around – and if we apply Pascal’s wager and assume that perhaps the Catholics, Muslims, or any other “good works” based belief is correct (just for a moment) then it is likely that I will have chalked up some merit points (in my own tradition these good works count for nothing – in fact, the apostle calls them what could be appropriately translated as used menstrual rags).
I offer no guarantees on this service whatsoever – in fact, I encourage you not to take up the offer. Actively. If, however, you choose to proceed, my conscience is clean because I believe I have abrogated any notion that my efforts will be successful. You may wish to proceed on the basis of balancing probabilities and covering as many bases as possible. Who am I to say no at that point?
Getting a pass from God at judgment day depends on choosing Jesus now.
Bible:
Here’s the key part of Luke 16, a parable Jesus told about two men and their post-death futures. Lazarus had been a God-honouring beggar, while the other man, a rich man, had sat inside his property ignoring the poor man on his doorstep. It’s a parable, which means it’s not a literal picture of stuff that happens, but a story with a theological moral:
22“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23In hell,[a] where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
25“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
27“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father’s house, 28for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
29“Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.
30” ‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’
31“He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’ “
How to tell the internet to shut up
Comments are what makes the social internet go round – but they also are a classic example of the signal v noise aspect of effective communication. Annoyingly long comment threads obscure much goodness. You can, though I don’t recommend it, block comments from almost every site you visit around the world wide web, by installing this code snippet in your browser.
It comes with a warning:
Warning:
The stylesheet blindly hides blocks with IDs like “comments”, which could have unexpected side effects. (I’m told it hides the “discussion” section of Bugzilla installations, for example.) Disable shutup.css if you think you might be missing important page content.
Unlike the guy who wrote this plug-in – I like and value your comments, and would appreciate more of them…
July 30, 2010