Category: Consciousness

Stop with the stupid statii: things that get my online goat

The plural for status is statii. Right? Anyway. I was talking to my buddy Mike. I have many buddies named Mike. And I won’t tell you which one he is. It’ll be more fun, and safer, that way.

There are two types of status updates on Facebook that are guaranteed to raise my ire, three types that I will respond to in anger. Well, passive aggressive snarkiness. Four that make my ears steam. Let me count the ways. Oh Facebooker.

This post should not be read as a personal indictment if you are the sort of person who does this. And if you’re reading this thinking that I’m writing about you specifically, I may well be, but I do love you, and I only want what’s best for you. Think of it as a Public Service Announcement that will hopefully help me to keep on liking you.

My hot wife says this post is a preachy know-it-all rant that makes it sound like I’m some sort of social media guru. I’m not, I’m just Joe Average. Your typical Facebook friend. But I have a blog. A voice. A platform. And I’m happy to use it to tell you what Joe Average is thinking, or at least what I’m thinking. And that’s loving. Isn’t it?

Here are the types of Facebookers that get my goat. And if you’re one of them – feel free to come back at me in the comments.

1. The “Facebook is out to get you” Rumour Miller.

Facebook is a company that makes money by selling its user base to advertisers. Deal with it. If you want to use the platform then you need to get with the program. You are the commodity. You are not the customer (unless you buy ads). Sometimes Facebook will change the way they do business. Businesses do that. They announce these changes. It’s not hard. If you hear a nasty rumour about how Facebook is out to get you and exploit you – it may well be true. But please go to google.com or snopes.com and do a little research. Just copy and paste your chain-letter style status update into google and see what comes up. Chances are it’ll be a hoax. 90% of the time it is. 9% of the time its something that some conspiracy nut has blown out of proportion – and the other 1% of the time Facebook is doing something to make a bit more money. That’s its job. There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

Two friends, possibly connected by mutual friends, who knows – posted the same status update tonight about a change Facebook made two years ago. A change that wasn’t even really a change, and certainly wasn’t the kind of change this conspiracy laden status suggested it was. Sure. Facebook is going to show you if your friends like or interact with a particular brand or advertisement. Newsflash. This is a social network.

2. The Megachurch Wannabe.

I get it. You are the minister, assistant minister, or student minister at a fantastic church. And you want your church to get Facebook attention. We all do. But this stuff sounds better if other people are talking about it. Not the person who is paid to. Here are some secrets. Nobody likes the overly pious memory verse machine. They get hidden. Nobody likes the walking church bulletin who advertises an event every time they open their mouth. You are not Mark Driscoll. You are not John Piper. You are you. Be you. Let Piper be Piper. Let Driscoll be Driscoll (or point out how bizarre his stream of status updates can be and get lots of hits on your blog). A stream of Piper imitators in one’s status feed is annoying and it dilutes the effectiveness of the original.

Don’t talk too much about your awesome prayer life, sermon, Bible Study, worship session, Bible reading, quiet time, anything a bit jargony that is going to make others feel inadequate or your non-Christian friends and family think you’ve joined a cult. Sure. We all want our non-Christian friends to read our statii and know we are ruled by the Lord Jesus. But not posting drunken pictures on Facebook will help with that impression, as will myriad other things. And a couple of updates per day or week, in proportion to updates about what you are actually thinking or doing would be fine. Thankyou.

There are a few subsets of the megachurch wannabe that almost became special categories in this rant. Don’t spread Christian chain status updates about how we want a million people to like Jesus on Facebook, or how if you don’t make something your status for an hour it means you don’t love God. I won’t copy your status. Almost ever. As a general rule. I don’t want to be some sort of status quoting robot. And I love God. I’m sure there are others like me.

The Christian superparent/superspouse. I get it. Your wife is hot. Your daughters are amazing and daddy date worthy (there’s an incredible cringe factor to that term). Your sons are growing up to be real men of God. That’s great. Show us some photos. That’s what Facebook is for. Tell us you’re proud of them. But don’t keep telling me how hot your wife is, or about your plans for an amazing daddy date (seriously. Creepy). We know you love your family.

If you do want to plant a megachurch just follow these ten steps to success.

3. The Oversharer.

I’ve been over this before. But it just keeps happening. Let me state this clearly. As clearly as possible, and with as much love as I can muster.

I DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT THE POO YOUR CHILD JUST DID.

Ever. And your child doesn’t want to google themselves one day and find out that their potty training produced wonderful shapes. Nor that they had a poosplosion on the carpet. In fact. Nobody wants to know. Especially if one day they are going to visit your house and sit on the chair that was once covered by infant defecation. We get that you love your child and that parenting can be a funny and frustrating process. But you don’t need to rub our virtual noses in it.

As a general rule most people don’t want to read about the minutiae of your daily life. There’s a point where enough information crosses over into too much information. Why straddle that line? Why not stay metres away from it. But try not to be so vague you’re completely boring too. That’s too far.

4. The Grammar Pest.

I’ve saved this one until last because it’s actually the one I find most annoying. I cringe at bad grammar, and bad spelling. I don’t understand how, with the advent of the in-browser spell check, anybody can post gibberish in their statii anymore. It’s not that hard. Come on people.

But. To publicly correct somebody, unless they are a professional proof-reader and you are their colleague, is just mean spirited and almost only ever designed to make the one doing the correcting look good. And it doesn’t. Nobody is buying what you’re selling. Nobody. We all see through it. People hated you as a child and scribbled on your face with red pen. We get it. Now there’s a grammar sized chip on your shoulder and you feel the need to make your contribution to every conversation a comment about somebody else’s mistake. Good for you. You will die alone. But your will will be immaculate. Error free. Leaving everything to your 18 cats.

People make mistakes. If you love them you should tell them in private. Not shout it out for the world to see. And if you do that – you better make sure that you cross every t, dot every i and catch every rogue apostrophe before hitting enter. Because if you don’t – I’m watching you. And I’m coming for you. Don’t be a grammar hypocrite for a moment. Grammar Pharisee is probably a better name for these people than grammar nazi – communication is about the spirit, not about the law. Shakespeare taught us that. As did anybody else who deliberately broke a rule for the sake of better writing. Because everybody likes to see a bully get their comeuppance.

March 22, 2011

What is a blog: trying to bridge the generation gap

It is becoming more and more apparent to me, as I talk to people from the pre-blog generation, that there’s a bit of a genre problem when it comes to blogs, and what they are. For me this means I need to tread a little more carefully, lest I say something, under my own brand/name/banner that’ll come back to bite me. This post is going to become part of my disclaimer. Have you read it? You should. Because at some point if you’re going to engage with a text (and blogs are texts) you should be doing it on its terms as well as your own. Context is king.

But there is a lesson here for non-bloggers too – the onus isn’t entirely on the blogger to take people who don’t understand blogs into account. We have to consider such an audience, but we’re not writing to that audience as a primary audience.

Blogs are, by nature, opinionated, personal, and sometimes controversial. They are, by nature, quickly produced, biased, and not peer-reviewed. The more people fail to take this into account the harder life will be for bloggers.

But, on the blogger side of the fence, posts are permanent, googlable, searchable on RSS feeds and site searches, and available to the public.

If we want people to stay accountable about what they write (ie write under their own names), and we want to read what they write, then we need to not hold words that in the past would have been quickly forgotten against people. Or, at least, we need to make some attempt at understanding the genre before we impose our own anachronistic cultural readings on a situation.

Nothing I’ve said has come back to haunt me yet (except maybe one time where I mouthed off a bit about why a particular ministry wasn’t for me). I’ve been pretty careful with what I’ve said, and I’d stand behind it. But that doesn’t mean words can’t be twisted, misunderstood and abused – and at some point, the onus is on the reader not to do that.

That is all.

March 21, 2011

Sydney Calling

So peeps. We’re heading to Sydney for a wedding in a couple of weekends. And we’ve got a couple of days to kill either side of the wedding. Robyn wants to go to the zoo. I want to go to a bunch of awesome cafes, and Gould Books.

Manly are playing on the Saturday night in Cronulla. Which is a pain.

Does anybody have any recommendations for other things we should do? Churches we should check out? Amazing cafes?

I’ve been to Sydney before. I was born there. It’s not like this is my first time. But places change.

I’m really looking forward to the break too.

March 21, 2011

There are times I wish I blogged anonymously

One of my core commitments to taking part in the world of the Internet is that I’ll almost always put my name to what I write. Sometimes I don’t for the sake of humour. Be it coffee reviews or opinions. I will always own them.

Sadly, this means that in times I really, really, really, want to explode into a personal rant, I can’t. So you get vaguery. Sorry.

If I ruled the world things would be different.

March 17, 2011

Happy Blog Day To Me… My blog is five.

My blog turned five yesterday. I thought it was today. But I checked. Here’s my first post. Sure, it has been called a few different things, and things have changed since the old blogger days. But there’s continuity. 4,600 posts of continuity.

I don’t think, when I started out, that I knew what I was getting myself into. Or how much I’d come to enjoy being a blogger.

March 16, 2011

My Life in Albums: 1999: Powderfinger, Pumpkins and an Eternal Nightcap

1999 was a big year for me. We moved to Brisbane. I started year 11 at school. I was suddenly meant to be taking things seriously. And I started earning a little bit more money than the $2 a week we were previously entitled to. So I could afford to buy a few more CDs.

For the first few months of our life in Brisbane we were living in a modernish rental house in Keperra. With a pool. Bells, and whistles. And I remember this song was doing the radio rounds…

Eminem didn’t really do it for me in a big way. I do remember enjoying Cake in that year…

But the defining album for me from 1999 was Powderfinger’s Internationalist. I bought it with the proceeds of an afternoon spent cleaning the fence at our new house (where my parents still live).

I also discovered the Whitlams, properly, in 1999, when I got me a copy of Eternal Nightcap (incidentally, we saw them two weeks ago with the Queensland Symphony. We had second row seats and they were amazing. Playing through Eternal Nightcap plus some more recent hits)…

This was also the year I discovered the Smashing Pumpkins. Thanks largely to my obsessive friend Benny. And my friend Damien who brought me a pirated copy of Siamese Dream back from China. Disarm has embedding disabled – and I think it’s the best song on that album, followed by Soma…

And Today…

This Ben Kweller cover of Today is pretty cool.

March 11, 2011

My life in albums: 1997: The wander year

Everybody has a musical awakening story, and a musical skeleton in the closet. Despite my relatively awesome beginnings, my life in albums almost went off the rails in my first year of really liking music. My sisters and I used to watch Rage on a Saturday morning. And before I’d really discovered the magic of radio we used to make mix tapes by holding the tape recorder up to the speakers.

One of the songs on high rotation on Rage in that year was Hanson’s Mmmbop. Still a catchy little number. Even if Taylor does look remarkably feminine.

My sisters were hooked. This album was on high rotation in our house. All the time. I know all the words to all the songs. My middle sister bonded with her now husband when they sang some Hanson songs together after church one night, their “recessional”, or whatever the song at the end of the wedding ceremony is, was another Hanson song, and at their wedding reception I used the song Madeleine to draw people’s attention back from their conversations to the original proceedings (that’s my sister’s name). Anonymity lost.

But for me, it was perhaps a darker musical year. One week my attention turned to Video Hits after Rage. I remember it like it was yesterday. This song came on. Some guys were walking into a haunted house. The music started. There was thunder. And then there was boy band magic. And some sort of werewolf.

I got on my pushbike and rode down to my sisters’ netball games on the other side of town. In Maclean, NSW. So not far. The song playing over and over in my head.

Am I original? Yeah.
Am I the only one? Yeah…

I saved up my pocket money ($2 a week plus mowing money in those days). And one day, on a trip to the Gold Coast, I think Pacific Fair. I had a look around Toys’R’Us. And a couple of other shops. And then walked into Big W. And came out a changed man. If not for that moment I would not have been bullied at school for a whole year, for thinking that the Backstreet Boys were cutting edge and awesome. I read the liner notes, and most of them thanked Jesus. So they were Christians too. And back then, at the age of 13, I thought Christian music was pretty cool. In fact, a year later, a Christian band called Aroma opened my eyes to rock (listen to the song Maggot here). And from there… well, you’ll have to wait until 1998’s post.

These were the only videos I could find easily and embed…

If I recall, there was a certain very good friend of mine (I won’t name – but he blogs and I’ve linked to him heaps, and he likes Pixar) who borrowed my CD and also enjoyed it.

March 7, 2011

Positive Movie Reviews from my cinephile friend Phil

This may be premature. Because there’s only one post so far. But you should totally check out my friend Phil’s new blog where he reviews movies. He knows all about the fillums. So you should read. Interact. Subscribe. Do all those web 2.0 things. Stalk him.

Welcome to Phil’s All-Positive Movie Reviews. If there’s something I don’t like in a movie, you won’t hear about it. I am, by nature, a pessimist, making this blog something of an exercise against character. I had considered starting a blog of reviews in which I rubbish the rubbish as much as I laud the laudable, but then I remembered that I want to work as a screenwriter and I’ll really be shooting myself in the foot if I start picking holes in the work of people I want to work with in the future. So I figure, if I don’t say any negative stuff, no one can be offended.

Back in the olden days of blogging, when I was a wee lad using blogger and posting on Nathan Goes to Townsville my friend Phil and I started a group blog. Just the two of us. It was grand. It stands the test of time. If by “test of time” you mean “still exists” and it resides, now defunct, at this link.

Phil and I co-wrote the OCC, a little Christian soap opera parody about the kind of camps you go to as a hormonal, post-pubescent young-adult man looking for a wife. I’ve posted it before, but you can find the five episodes on YouTube.

But now, Phil lives in Melbourne and I, in Brisbane. And so. I have to get my dosage of Phil via this blog. Which I heartily recommend. Though that’s like the kiss of death for a blog. Most seem to get a “go read this” link from me and then wane into once a year stiltedness.

March 7, 2011

The McDouble: Peak burger?

I don’t think I’ve ever had a burger as good as the McDouble. Not even a pounder. Except maybe the Cactus Jacks Build your Own Burger in Townsville. But that’s eight times the price.  And I don’t think we’ll ever see a burger that’s quite so good again. Certainly not priced under $2. It’s an unbeatable mix of value and taste. Some burgers taste better but don’t represent value for money. The only burgers cheaper than the McDouble – the cheeseburger (which is, actually, the same price I think) and the Junior Burger (is that what they’re called still?) pale in comparison. No burger in the past, present, or future, looks like being able to match it. This is my fearless prediction. I’m looking forward to the results if people try to prove me wrong.


Image Credit: Gaarawarrgabs
There’s something about the combination of fat, flavour, and texture in these burgers that makes them the item I sit craving between lunch and dinner each afternoon. Luckily I so rarely act on these cravings. Some would say my definition of rarely is broken at this point.

The tomato sauce and onion combo in the “seasoning” department is genius. The McDonald’s food scientists have outdone themselves in understanding umami, or something ephemeral, and yet delicious, in the cheese to meat patty ratio, and the size is perfect for guilt free burger snacking. Even if there’s some cognitive dissonance involved. We’re talking 19.8 gm of fat  and 384 calories (according to the McDonalds product page). I challenge you to find a better calories/$ ratio anywhere in the world – short of eating pure butter.

Delicious.

March 7, 2011

Return to Sender: Why do people keep trying to sell me cars via email?

There’s an NM Campbell out there somewhere who keeps trying to buy cars – and he’s getting annoyed that car dealers keep not emailing him. And then there’s this NM Campbell. Me. Who can’t figure out why car dealers from the US and the UK keep sending me quotes or newsletters. I got another one on Friday. From Medved Ford Lincoln Mercury. The salesperson in question is a Ms Carolyn Hammack-Clark. See her if you want to buy a car in Castlerock, CO.

Here’s the email I got.

So, here’s my response.

Dearest Carolyn,

It is such a long time since I have heard from you (I can only assume there aren’t too many Carolyn Hammack-Clarks running around). I am sorry we’ve lost touch. Do you remember that time we cavorted around the orchard in our pyjamas. Chasing rabbits. Oh, those were the days.

I live in Australia now, actually, I always have. So I’m not sure why I’m receiving emails from this car dealership and can only assume somebody signed up to your database with the wrong email address. You’d be surprised how often that actually happens.

However, it just so happens I am considering putting together an off-road truck race – and I’d be interested to know what sort of discounts you’d offer if I wanted to buy 16 of these trucks. I also want to convert them into amphibious vehicles.

The race I’d like to organise is on the bottom of the ocean – so they’ll need a pretty long snorkel, or perhaps some type of airhose with a flotation device fitted to the pipe to keep it somewhere where there is airflow so that the drivers can breathe. Did I mention that the drivers will be dwarves? They will be. I’m going to call my race the Snow White Cup. I believe in giving hope to the disadvantaged and downtrodden. And as a tall man I thought doing something for the vertically challenged would be a nice gesture.

Could I purchase these 16 amphibious utes customised in this manner – and with some sort of adjustable operations so that short people can both drive the trucks and see over the dashboard. I assume there’ll be some sort of discount if I’m buying a fleet.

Would you be interested in sponsoring the race? I think it will provide pretty good global exposure – because who doesn’t want to watch 16 dwarves driving trucks on the bottom of the ocean. I know I do.

The Medved Ford Lincoln-Mercury Castle Rock Snow White cup has a nice ring to it. Don’t you think.

Regards,

Nathan

March 7, 2011

David Cook’s top 10 tips for preaching

David Cook is the outgoing (and departing) principal at SMBC (Sydney Missionary and Bible College). He’s here today at QTC (Queensland Theological College) sharing his top ten tips for preaching (and other stuff).

Tip one: Learn to shake hands and greet somebody. By the name they give. If they give a surname go with Mr or Mrs. Use names. Don’t just say “hello”… the sound of one’s name is the “sweetest sound in the whole world”…

But that isn’t about preaching.

  1. Have a clear big question – avoids the knowledge dump. Why should I listen to you? Because you have a good answer to a good question. Great questions are answered by the passage and are marketable. You need to show how the text answers that question and why that answer is important to the listener. Every time I get up I answer a question. Opening with “last week we looked at” isn’t really helpful. It is an intro to a knowledge dump. Why do I need to hear this? That’s the question we should open with.
  2. Stress the indicative before you stress the imperative – Liberalism imposes the imperative – it tells you what you should do. And often it’s wrong. The “distinctive difference” between liberalism and Biblical Christianity is that the latter begins with the triumphant indicative – on the basis of what God has done, this is what you do. We need both the indicative and the imperative or we either lean towards license of liberalism. The Bible uses the indicative first. Romans, up to chapter 6, is indicative, indicative, indicative. The first imperative is ch 6:11. The Qu’ran opens with the imperative. This is the distinctive difference between Christianity and every other religion. This is our point of difference. The triumphant indicative. The Catholics have blended the two in an untrustworthy manner. Get the indicative first. Followed by the imperative. Not just what I’ve got to do, but why… knowledge of the verbal moods in Greek is absolutely vital. Be able to identify the imperative verbs. Taste of God through the gospel of God’s grace before you move to our response.
  3. Make the heart of your sermon explanation, not illustration/application – the text has the power. Not your illustration. Better the textual and dull preacher than the interesting but not textual. Better to be both. Don’t rush to illustration before you’ve preceded it with explanation.
  4. Work on your angle – tell me something I don’t know. Don’t just bounce superficially off the text. You must work off the angle of the text, and tell me something I don’t know. What’s the point otherwise? What is my angle here? How can I preach on something you know backwards that gives you a new slant on something? Anticipate the questions people are asking about the text.
  5. The art of preaching is the art of summary – Learn to summarise. You are not saying everything the passage says. You are saying less than the whole. You are making a judgment about what not to say and what to say. The other cardinal rule is that the summary does not interpret. We aren’t interested in what you think – just tell us what is says. Get to the author’s mind – not your take.
  6. Cultivate a close reading of the text – show respect to the text. Avoid humourous populism. Don’t go for the laugh. Get people watching the text. Closely. Use the original languages to check for puns, rudeness, wordplay – figure out what’s going on in the text. And communicate it. Bring passages to life by picking up the little details when they drive your text. Observe. It is there. It is there for a reason.
  7. Don’t be negative – why put barriers in the way. Don’t attack the other guys. Don’t be negative. Be winsome and persuasive. Know what you’re talking about – what is good about x that makes people so loyal to it. Think about the way you sound, and whether you’re looking angry or smiling. Don’t attack, provide a positive alternative. Use simple words and propositions. Repeat them again and again and again. Read good books about persuasion. Don’t confront. Just talk in a winsome way. “The Gentle Art of Persuasion” is a good book. How to win friends and influence people is another one.What is my point? What am I trying to achieve. It is a foolish advocate who insults the person who is there to try the case.
  8. Work hard at the sermons you pay least attention to – the occasional sermons (funerals, weddings, Christmas, Easter, children’s talks etc). These are the sermons that people who aren’t members of the congregation come to. Why do you go easy on the occasional sermons while working hard on the inside sermons. Don’t just preach a stock ball sermon for funerals and weddings. Every person is unique. Prepare a fresh sermon for each person. Don’t let people die alone, that’s not your job as the pastor of your flock. The elderly and disabled are victims of the church planting movement. We’ve discriminated against the people who need us the most. Work really hard at using the children’s talk as a free hit – a chance to summarise your talk in a new way for a new audience to clarify your thinking, teach the children, and engage the adults.
  9. Be Clear – You’re not writing an essay. Don’t preach your footnotes. You are writing a sermon. In a sermon you will illustrate. Repeat. Emphasise. You are turning ears into eyes. You are striving to be clear. Don’t just say one thing. Say it again. And again. And again.
  10. Preach Christ. Preach Grace. Preach Faith. Preach encouragingly.

The relationship between the Big Question, the Big Idea and the Big Answer
Big Question -> Big Idea -> Big answer

Use the subject and the compliment – what is he talking about? What is he saying about that?

Turn the big idea into a big question.

The easiest answer for a preacher to give is to the “how” question – but “why” is much more important if you don’t want to breed superficiality. How to questions are good, but shallow.

John 3:16 case study

The subject looks like God (use the first and the last words) – but almost every passage is about God – so lets go with Eternal Life.

The Big Idea: Eternal life comes through Jesus, God’s gift of love.

Big questions: How can I have eternal life? Is death the end? What will happen when you die?

Format of a sermon

State the truth of the passage -> explain the passage -> illustrate the passage -> apply the passage.

If you illustrate first it’ll be without power. Explain first.

The Pyramid

At the bottom level you are summarising with verse references.

At the next level you are looking at the movements in the passage. Which determine the structure of the sermon.

Next. The dominant picture (from On teaching and preaching with creativity – “the human brain is a picture gallery, not a debating hall”).

Subject and compliment.

 

The Big Idea.

 

The tip is the Big Question.

 

Five Keys to Clarity

  1. Isolate the dominant thoughts of the text.
  2. Structure your material. Don’t hide your structure. Build your sermon around structure. You’re communicating. Don’t be scared of communicating. Use stuff like alliteration and things people will remember.
  3. Don’t use too many quotes. Who cares what John Stott or Don Carson say. This is not an essay. If they’ve said it, it’s probably not original to them – so just say it. Don’t always quote people. Only quote if you can memorise the quote and if the person who said something is particularly relevant or significant to the quote. Ideas are there to be used. Sometimes you can add weight to a quote. But too much quoting is bad.
  4. Be dialogical. Dialogical preaching is very, very important. Have a dialogue. Anticipate questions, and answer them. “Do I hear some of you say” “But Billy, you say…” do it in the form of a conversation.
  5. If you are going to be clear. Watch your vocabulary and grammar. The plural of you is you. Saying youse is not ok. Really. In any context. You don’t want your kids hearing people saying “youse”… sweat the details. Work hard on your grammar and your vocab. Play by the house rules. Dress for the host. Use their version of the Bible.

 

March 3, 2011

Question for bloggers (and blog readers)

At what point in the process of meeting new people do you drop the “I have a blog” or “I’m a blogger” bombshell? Obviously we all blog for attention. Right.

I’m a little self-conscious these days because sometimes people talk to me about my blog(s), in front of people I’ve just met, or people who don’t know I blog, and those people respond in one of a few ways, none good, some will say “why didn’t you tell me you had a blog” or “I can’t believe you have a blog. You nerdo loser”… or then I just feel the need to go into sales pitch mode about why people should read my blog, or some sort of justification about why I blog, or that falsely humble “oh that old thing…” Although, like in the parable of the sower (awesome analogy for blogging) there are some people who become regular readers, who even comment some times, and I like that.

And if I just casually mention my blog(s), in conversation (usually in the form of “did you see on my blog” to somebody I know reads it, or “you should see this awesome thing I found and posted on my blog” to somebody I want to read it) in front of somebody who knows I have a blog and falls into that latter category (the “you nerdo loser” one) then they mock more.

Bloggers: how do you navigate those heady waters? Non-bloggers: how much do you want bloggers talking about their blogs in the real world? We all want people to read what we write right? And we all want to read interesting stuff online right? Why can’t we all just get along.

March 2, 2011

Going social with Facebook Comments

Hey. You can now comment on posts here using Facebook commenting. Check it out. You’ll love it. Or maybe you won’t. For those of you who still don’t have Facebook the traditional commenting options are still available… Try it, and let me know.

Also. Almost 100 people (99 at the moment) like St. Eutychus on Facebook. Are you one of them?

March 2, 2011

Would you like beer with that marshmallow?

The other day, over at thebeanstalker.com (my coffee blog, read it, click some ads – I make money), I did a little experiment with coffee and beer. I bought a proper coffee beer and made my own. It was science. Tastebud stretching science. I like beer. Nothing beats it on a hot summer’s afternoon. I also like marshmallow. And chocolate. But I’m wondering if chocolate-coated beer-marshmallows is taking things a bridge too far (though coffee beer probably is too). Why not just enjoy all these things separately…

But they look so good.

And here’s how to make them. To whet your appetite – here are the ingredients from this recipe.

Chocolate-Dipped Beer Marshmallows with Crushed Pretzel Garnish
Makes 18-22 marshmallows, depending on how you cut them

For the Bloom:
1 1/2 tablespoons (just under 1/2 ounce) unflavored gelatin
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/3 cup (2.5 ounces) flat dark beer

For the Sugar Syrup:
1/4 cup (2 ounces) flat dark beer
1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons (5 ounces) corn syrup or sugar cane syrup
3/4 cup (6 ounces) granulated sugar
pinch salt

For Coating and Topping
10-12 ounces milk chocolate
2-3 teaspoons canola oil, optional – for thinning the melted chocolate
1/2 cup stick pretzels

 

March 1, 2011

A beginner’s guide to keeping pet turtles

Somebody, somewhere (I think it was a guy named Andrew, who I think, based on his email address, was a leader on the schoolies camp I went on – how random that he would be reading my blog ten years later) suggested I blog about having pet turtles more often. I think that’s a good idea. Pet turtles really are the coolest thing since pet rocks. And pet rocks were cool.

They do funny stuff. Like this:

Why you should get a turtle

  • They’re exotic, a little left field, and people (especially kids) love them. They love watching them in the water, and the love watching them run around. Turtles have a funny way of running, with in built comedic value.
  • Turtles are relatively low maintenance (eventually).
  • Turtles are amphibious. Amphibians are awesome. So are reptiles. Turtles are both.

What you should know before you buy a turtle

A hatchling

Our turtles at a very young age

  • There’s really no such thing as a penny turtle. You might remember having one as a child. What you had was a baby turtle that you probably grew out of. Our turtles started off the size of 50c pieces. Now they’re somewhere between the size of a bread plate and a dinner plate. They start small, but grow big.
  • There’s a bit of set up cost involved – you need heat lamps, UV lights, docking platforms, and eventually a big tank. If you get two (which we did) there’s a good chance they’ll fight. And you’ll need extra space. Most of our problems have been caused by turtle fights.
  • Get lots of Betadine. Betadine fixes everything. If your turtle has a wound, a fungal infection, a spot – Betadine will fix it.
  • You can’t tell if young turtles are male or female. It’s a gender lottery.
  • In some (many) Australian states you need a reptile license. You get these from the EPA in Queensland (or whatever they’re now called).
  • Turtles bite. But only really in the water.
  • If in doubt – take them out of the water – they only need to be in the water about an hour a day. They like being in the water. But sometimes their shells need time to dry out. For a long time ours slept in a box, wrapped in towels.
  • The internet is your friend. There are heaps of good turtle resources online. I even bought ours on the internet and had them flown up to Townsville from Brisbane. When I was worried about one of them I turned to the internet for help. One of our turtles, Rosie (short for Roosevelt) was a little more sickly than the other, Frankie (short for Franklin) perhaps because Frankie used to bite her around the neck and take her for a death roll.
  • Get a bucket to feed your turtle in. Turtle food stinks. And feeding them in their tank is a recipe for an incredibly stinky weekly clean up job.

Steps to getting your pet turtle

  1. Check licensing requirements where you live. Organise this first.
  2. Find a breeder – normally there’s enough time between contacting a breeder and getting the turtles to complete the next step.
  3. Set up the tank – you’ll need a dock of some sort (a rocky platform will do), a UV lamp to keep the shells healthy, and a heat lamp to keep their blood warm. A heater in the water is optional. They’ll get on their docks more if the water is cold (this is good for their shells too). You need to set up a tank a week before you put the turtle in it to get the chemical stuff happening properly. Apparently.
  4. Get some food – we use pellets and frozen turtle cubes (fish guts). We’ve tried with some cereal based pellets and they hate them. We also occasionally give them fruit and veggies. Which they seem to like. We put feeder fish in their tank, about 100 at a time. And they gradually disappear. But if you want some fun – kill one and hand feed it to the turtles and watch them go nuts trying to catch more.
  5. Get your turtles. Watch them swim. Enjoy some LOLs.
  6. Check your turtles regularly (especially when they’re young) for little blotchy spots on their shells and skin. These are bad – and should be treated pretty much straight away. Keeping them out of the water a bit will help.
  7. Take them for walks outside (but watch for birds). The sun is good for them.
  8. Wash your hands after touching them when they’re little. Turtles carry salmonella. And trust me. You don’t want that. Buy some of that reptile wash. Trust me. A week of gastro isn’t fun for anybody. They grow out of this after a while – I’m not sure at what point – but I don’t wash my hands anymore.

Some links

March 1, 2011