Consciousness – Page 43

Daddy-O

Friend Michel wrote a second email overnight – advising me that I am to contact the security company that holds his secret stash. So secret that even his potential killers – apparently his uncles – do not know about it.

Dearest Daddy Campbell,

Please I want you to know that the consignment is still with the security company where my late father deposited it. The security company does not know that the box contains money because when my late father was depositing the trunk box that contains the money with Security Company, he makes it look like the trunk box contains Art Craft / Family Valuables. He did this to protect the money from his greedy business partners and wicked relatives in case anything happens to him. Now they have sucided to poison him to death, I become an orphan and since the sudden death of my father, my uncles have seized all my father’s properties including my father’s only personal account where I get money for my daily upbringings.

Lying to a bank? That can only end in tears. But his uncles do sound nasty. He also wants me to visit him in his home country.

I would also want to know if you will be available to come here in my country cote d’ivoire to meet me in person so that both of us will go to the ministry to get the legal documents and submit to the security company for processing of the change of ownership in your name for easy delivery of the consignment to you. Pls If your work will not permit you to come here, I will negotiate with an attorney to know how we can get those documents on our behalf and submit them to the security company.

But first, I must contact the security company and introduce myself – but by no means should I reveal the box contains money.

I think maybe, just maybe, I will let that little tidbit slip, and then try to cut a deal with the banker for a 20% cut of the contents.

Anyway, I wrote to Mr Duke, the security company manager.

Dear Mr Duke,

I am writing to inform you that I am the legal guardian of an account holder within your institution.

Michel has urged me to call you on the telephone – unfortunately I would prefer my dealings with him, and you, to be treated under the strictest confidence. As I’m sure you understand. I will not be calling you by phone. This is not possible. But please understand that I am who I say I am.

I have attached a copy of the deposit certificate for a collection of family trinkets you have in your secure deposit facility. The item is a metal trunk. I will be organising the withdrawal of this deposit box on behalf of my son, Michel.

Please, can you advise me what documents I must fill in in order to change the ownership of this deposit from the name of my charge to my name.

May 28, 2009

My new son?

Things are progressing nicely with my friend Michel. In his latest missive he has adopted me as a surrogate father. He writes:

Dearest Daddy,

Word alone cannot tell how happy I am to hear that you are born again christian and I am proud to call you daddy. According to your mail, I was born and brought out from a christian family and my late father was one the founders of Catholic Charismatic Renewal Ministry Cocody and it was due to how good my late father are to his people that made his business partners to poisoned him to death.

A Catholic Charismatic? Shock horror. We are doctrinally incompatible. However will we overcome this barrier – we are as two star crossed lovers destined ne’er to meet due to our bitter family feud… if there’s one thing I learned from Shakespeare in highschool (and through having his entire library of works on my iPhone – how cool is that) it’s that insurmountable odds can be overcome, but they often end in death. The next passage gave rise to new hope.

Please be rest assured that the money is my inheritance from my late father because my late father made his money in my country cote d’Ivoire as an exporter / import of Cocoa / caffee and it was out of wickedness and jealousyness his business associates poisoned him to death, I become an orphan, helpless at this age. Please I want you to know that I contact you to help me because I beleive you are capable to assist me live the type of live my late parents earlier planned for me and I want you to know that I never contact you to help me in other to put you in any kind of troubles

His father was a coffee trader. We are joined forever by the fellowship of the bean. I may try to purchase his family’s coffee interests with my generous 15% share of the deal. Which is currently valued at $7.5 million.

He signed out in a manner which was no doubt designed to establish his spiritual bona fides.

Thanks and god bless you for your kind and sincere promises to help me. May our almighty god in heaven reward you and your family aboundantly for the help you are rendering to an orphan like me.

He possibly wasn’t expecting my response:

Thank you for your email – I am glad to hear your father was a believer – that surely makes his passing an easier burden for you to bear.

I hope that you too are a believer – it pays to be right with our maker, especially if there are dangerous people trying to kill you!

I do notice that you haven’t answered my question about baptism. My friends, who are much better with technology, are advising me that you may be trying to commit an act of fraud against me. I tell them that that is not true. I have not given them any information about our transaction. I have simply told them that I will not be available during this week as I seek to conclude our business. I trust you – I believe that you are in all honesty a God fearing man who knows that to act dishonestly will lead to God’s fiery judgment.

My children have made me slightly concerned – what sort of father would I be were I not to listen to my friends – I hope to soon count you as a friend too.

Could you, my son, do three things to verify that you are indeed who you say you are – could you provide a picture of yourself holding a card bearing the words “John 3:16”. Which I think will be an appropriate proof that you are who you say you are – both as a person, and as a Christian.

Could you also tell me what you believe about baptism. This is more important to me than you will understand at your age. When you get to an age like mine you will understand that some issues become important and defining.

And can you tell me what your favourite part of the Bible is – this will, indeed, help to develop the trust between us.

Any photo will of course be shared here.

May 28, 2009

Some of my best work…

This blog has, in some shape or form, been around for a while. 3 and a half years in fact. And more than 1,400 posts. Which is much longer than most of my current readers would realise. I think. So it strikes me that you may have missed some of my sterling stainless steel early work. Which seems a shame.

So I’m going to start digging some out of the archives – or at least linking to them – just so they don’t go to waste.

The one where I solve the Croc V Shark debate by talking to an expert

The ones where try to get the Wiggles blacklisted and take on some Nigerian Scammers

The one with the awesome recipes from my share house days

The one were I get spammed by a bunch of students from Washington State University

The one where we play six degrees of Wikipedia

The one where I pick on a dangerous ninja

The one where I tell the Tractor Joke – and the one where somebody else improves it.

The one where I rant about emoticons.

The one where I took on a crazy Japanese tourist and turned it into a film noir novella.

The one where some people want to build a giant crucifix shaped conference centre.

The one about environmentally friendly dating services.

The one where Craig and I liveblog a Garage Sailing Adventure.

That’ll do. For now.

May 26, 2009

Design brief

I have a new design – that’s obvious for those of you visiting – but for the subscribers you should perhaps stop by and check it out.

Robyn doesn’t like it though – so I may have to change it if I want her posting more often.

Also, apparently commenting is difficult for some people (not the general vibe but a specific) – I think it’s got something to do with the OpenID plug-in I’m using. If commenting has been a problem – can you try commenting on this post without including a website in the website field – that will confirm my suspicions if it works.

Oh yeah, feedback on the design/design issues would be more than welcome.

May 25, 2009

Creatures of the swamp

My employer has committed to raising funds to save an iconic North Queensland wetland. Until recently I thought wetland meant swamp. I was apparently mistaken.

I went there yesterday with some film crews. And took some photos. Check them out here… or if you’re too lazy, here are some highlights…

May 22, 2009

Cross promotions

Wil Anderson just made this bold claim on the Gruen Transfer:

“The McDonalds Golden Arches are now more recognisable than the Christian Cross.”

True or false?

It kind of fails to take into account the historical brand recognition and needs to be more specifically defined.

A little bit of googling suggests that this was either a piece of corporate indoctrination fostered by McDonalds that has now become fact – or that there is an obscure survey that I can’t find from the late 90s conducted in Australia…

Your thoughts?

May 20, 2009

Mens Camp Reflections: Luxury, naturally

Camping may not be my cup of tea (tea is for the weak) generally speaking, but there are some really nice, slightly off the beaten track, camping spots in North Queensland that are worth checking out. So much so that Robyn and I purchased a tent today from Anaconda. Almost half price. 10 man. The size of a small house (or caravan). It’s a very limited tent special, and it was a bargain.

The location for this particular camp was the Broadwater National Park, Abergowie, somewhere near Ingham and the Cardwell Range.

Also, and I didn’t take a photo of myself doing this, camping is infinitely more bearable with the right equipment – a gas stove, a hand cranked coffee grinder, a stove top espresso maker and some freshly roasted Brazilian coffee beans.

May 19, 2009

Mens Camp Reflections: Pyromania

There would appear to be a little bit of pyromania inherent in the male psyche.

Taking photos of fire and playing with exposure settings is an enjoyable outlet for indulging the inner pyromaniac – without the danger of third degree burns.

May 19, 2009

Men’s camp reflections: Glass houses

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you put a bunch of blokes on a creek bed with an adequate supply of stones the group of blokes will throw said stones into the river for no clearly apparent reason.

May 19, 2009

Mens Camp Reflections: Intro

I’ve got a few things that I thought of and jotted down while on Men’s Camp on the weekend. Rather than mash them all together in one big post I’m going to approach each issue separately. Starting now.

May 19, 2009

Design brief

I’m thinking about changing my design again, it’s not that I’m dissatisfied with this one, I just like that I can.

Does anybody have anything they’d like to see incorporated in the new design – or lost from the current one?

May 19, 2009

Anti-pastor

I’m a “PK”. For those not familiar with the jargon it means the child of a clergyman. I can’t bring myself to say “Pastors Kid” – because I hate the word “pastor” as a title. I don’t know why. It just grates on me. I hate it. I will, when questioned about my “PK” status insist that the P is for Preacher.

Is my loathing of “Pastor” unreasonable? I’m sure there’s a Biblical argument for it, but it just sounds a little soft. Wussy. Which I guess in the scheme of things isn’t a bad thing – people in ministry are called to be servant hearted or shepherdly.

I just don’t like it.

That is all.

May 19, 2009

Fade to Black

I trust you all enjoyed my wife’s musings in my absence. If so – please leave a nice encouraging comment so that she’ll contribute more regularly.

While she may have indulged in some typical male caricatures she wasn’t far off the mark.

It is with some sadness that I must announce the retirement of my favourite novelty shirt – the subtle “Black T-Shirt””… It has served me well for many years. Since its purchase from Chermside’s Trade Secret for the low, low price of $9.99 the shirt has accompanied me around the country. Its iconic status recognised by many.

Sadly, the shirt is now a faded dark grey, slightly threadbare, and somewhat permanently on the nose.

Well, it smells ok straight off the washing line – but add any moisture and some sort of chemical reaction occurs, releasing a previously undetectable aroma. A putrid smell. So, with some sadness it will venture out into polite company no more. Farewell, good and faithful servant.

The silver lining to this dark (but fading) cloud is that it reduces the total number of novelty t-shirts in my wardrobe – and thus no doubt frees me up to replace it.

May 17, 2009

Reclaimed

He’s back. Thankfully he doesn’t stink too much.

The fishes are still fine and the turtles are back to their regular routines.

I realise that the weekend isn’t yet over but the opportunities to complete my task list are. So, here’s the report card I’ve written for myself.

1. Hijack Nathan’s blog. A

I briefly considered changing the passwords of his blog and holding them at ransom. That would have been fun – for me anyway. I’m sure some of you out there are looking forward to hearing less of me and more of Nathan. It’s been fun having some virtual friends over the weekend. Special mention goes to my sister and queenstuss for commenting. You made me feel special.

2. Master Greek E

Apparently eating Greek does not count towards learning Greek. This is a shame really, because we’re going to have some tonight. No time for Greek this weekend. I thought about it though.

3. Finish my 1^st grade violin book. C+

Technically I didn’t finish the book but I did make some great progress. And I got a compliment. Nathan’s really looking forward to his little concert.

4. Design an outdoor setting which I could possibly build. B

If the emphasis was on the design I completed the task well. However, I’ve decided that we don’t have the skills, tools or space to build something even as simple as a table. There’s not much you can build with a heat gun and screwdriver. I actually found a webpage with detailed building directions but I didn’t understand 80% of the jargon so I don’t think I’m quite ready for the task.

I love writing report cards.

May 17, 2009

Ninja Turtle Fish Killer

Our pets know me too well. It seems that they sensed Nathan’s absence and thought they’d have more chance surviving in the big wide world all on their own. If I had a video camera and some dramatic music there’s a good chance that the following recount would make the cut for Animal Rescue.

My students are the proud owners of two cute little clownfish named Coral & Reef, thanks to a visit from Mr Moorhead last term. They’ve been on an extend holiday at our house so that I could look after them over the holidays and on weekends until I could find an automatic fish feeder. Three days ago I bought the said feeder from a local pet store and set it up according to the directions. All going well so far. Over the subsequent few days I checked the tank carefully for excess food, of which there was none. Starting to think I’d solved the problem and could return the fish (and silence the nagging) I relaxed a little. Until yesterday. The feeder dumped an extremely large dose of food into the tank overnight which was now lying all over the sand, on the plants and had caused the water to turn a colour somewhat akin to apple juice. The poor little fish were not doing so well under these conditions. I started to panic. I’m sure most people would have, knowing that 27 little people were depending on you to keep their pets alive. Nobody likes a fish killer. My kids have already accused me of being a potential baby nemo killer by buying the wrong sized filter and that didn’t go down so well. I sprung into action, scooping out the fish and excess food, changing and filtering new water, and I began trying to ascertain the problem with the feeder. This process involved scraping out mushy fish food with my fingers and siphoning stinky water, neither of which took my fancy.

During this time, I thought I’d also feed our pet turtles, Frankie and Rosie. Frankie is by far the larger of the two, both in personality and size, and has had to separated from Rosie when he tried to kill her with a ninja death roll. We put the turtles in ice-cream containers for feeding so they don’t mess up the tank. In keeping with his Raphael persona, Frankie decided that he didn’t want to confined to the constraints of the feeding bucket and that leaping out of it, hitting the metal grate and landing the on the top of the buffet was a much better option. Not to be satisfied with the mediocre, Frankie started heading towards the edge of the buffet and a 75cm drop, which is a long way for a little turtle. He did this quite quickly as, contrary to popular perception, turtles are not slow. Thankfully I got there in time to stop him and return him to his tank. He gave me a good hard bite to show he was grateful for my efforts.

Now I have some much happier clownfish, a cranky turtle and fish food and stinky fish water all over my floor.

May 17, 2009